Stay at home mums and mental load

[-Tee-]

First time reaching out here.. not sure what I actually want to achieve, but I'm hoping writing things out may relieve some tension.

I'm a full time at home mum of 3 who like many other, I'm sure, does NOT stop. 

I have a high needs family, with little family support and a lack of friendships I feel I can be open with. I'm home a lot on my own and whilst I'm happy to hold the fort, mental load is often draining, there's always something to remember, something to do or someone to attend too. 

In the past I've been very closed off and often hid my feelings, but these days I try my best to be open and have clear communication. It feels good to say what I'm thinking and whilst I feel heard, I don't feel like I'm understood. I can be pretty clear with saying I'm cracking, exhausted and need time alone to recharge, but the rest of the households feelings and needs seem to trump my own. I've tried putting myself first, but then I find I'm left with more pieces of the puzzle to pick up when I return, so I feel like it's a never ending battle. 

Most days I feel like a ship sailing in the night. I know I'm not alone out there, does anyone have suggestions of how to make life that little bit easier? Having appointments and therapy is not an option, because getting away from the house or having more than 5 minutes without little people in tow is too hard. 

[therising]

Hi -Tee-

Such an incredibly challenging job, being a stay at home parent. While some of the challenges are obvious, some are far from obvious, such as learning how to manage our self under a whole variety of circumstances (including how to take better care of our self). Being a stay at home parent can be so tough and tormenting and exhausting at times. From one mum to another, my hat goes off to you as you face what I've found to be the hardest job I've ever come across.

I've found a good partner is key, whether that partner comes in the form of a spouse, a friend, a family member, member of the community or someone else. A bit of effort from everyone means you're not trying to do just about everything yourself without some form of relief once in a while. It doesn't pay to be a people pleaser at times. At times, being demanding is the only way to achieve what you need to, which is often going to be something that doesn't win you points for popularity. Of course, a lot depends on everyone involved, such as how much free time our partner has, how old our kids are, what community resources are available etc. Depending on how old your kids are, playgroup even for a few hours a week can be such a relief, with a chance for our child or children to develop a little socially. The free time is a bonus for the stay at home parent. If the kids are older, it can then be about becoming the manger of the household. 'Okay, child 1, your job is this. Child 2, your job is that. Child 3 (if they happen to be a baby), your job is to be fully dependent. Thoughtful partner, these are your jobs outside of work and some free time...'. You become the manager who has to also manage free time for yourself, while being open to negotiation when it comes to roles people are prepared to take on or not. 

While my little ones are now 17 (boy) and 20 (girl), I've found a lot to be a real learning process. I've learned from some mistakes, such as trying to do just about everything myself and the side effects of that. I've learned that if certain boundaries aren't set early, people in the household continue to expect way too much. There have been hundreds of lessons along the way so far.

One thing we have to learn and practice is saying 'I can't tolerate the way things are heading, something's gotta change'. A lesson I learned much later down the track involves accepting 'what's better than nothing' (when it comes to help). What's better than nothing, in some cases, just isn't enough when we're reaching breaking point. Occasionally we deserve to feel 'a significant difference'. It's such a beautiful feeling 🙂