Start of my journey for help

[Easy_D]

So I'm writing this to give myself something to do.  I know I should change what I'm doing - get out of the house, go to the gym, do something!  But if I wasn't writing this email I would be sitting on the couch thinking.  This has become a dangerous past time of mine.  Now that I am unable to even think about doing any of my uni work I have time on my hands.  This time that I have is very unproductive.  I can't think about all the things I should  be doing and how I just can't  do them.  This is excellent fuel for my depression.  It gives me all this evidence as to why I am so useless and bad at life and lazy and not worth the air I breathe.  Because, at the end of the day, I don't want to be here.  It's not like there is a place that I do want to be either.  I don't want to be anywhere.  I don't want to exist. 

So why haven't I killed myself?  It's something I have put off a few times.  The first time that I realised that I didn't particularly want to be here was a very strange experience.  I didn't consider myself suicidal.  I didn't really consider myself to be anything.  I just wished I wasn't me and I considered ways to end it - but I never did.  I guess things never got that bad.  That was when I was 19.  Last time I was depressed I decided to make a change and go back to uni.  I told myself that if I still wasn't happy after that then I could go for it and finally end it.  In between these times I have been depressed on and off.  It has been going on for 10 years.  Now it's back.  Again.  And it's worse.

Then something really annoying happened.  Someone in my extended family committed suicide.  This was also very sad, don't get me wrong, but the strongest emotion I have felt about this was annoyance.  Why?  Because now I know first hand what it's like to watch family and friends after a loved one has committed suicide.  It is the hardest thing to understand for them.  If it was cancer or an accident or something else a person's brain can justify and understand.  But when it's suicide it's like this person has basically decided that their friends and family aren't worth sticking around for.  Or at least that is what it feels like to be friends and family.  I know this is not the case.  If I was to kill myself it would be for a plethora of other reasons but I have stuck around so long because of my friends and family.  Certainly not because I enjoy life.  Now, the annoying thing for me is that suicide isn't even an option any more.  Not after seeing how horrific it is to those left behind.  So this escape plan that was there if things got really really bad has been removed.  And I have to find a way to keep on going.  

I started throwing myself into things that I enjoyed.  Exercise, spending money, chocolate.  I soon noticed that I wasn't really enjoying these things I was just taking a time out in between feeling miserable.  I found myself craving to be around people so I wouldn't feel so alone.  But more and more it seems that whenever I'm around people I am just disappointed that I am unable to connect or even interact like a normal human.  And I feel like they should be able to see how messed up I am.  That they should ask me if I'm OK.  But they don't.  I feel like I have to fake it because surely I am already dead inside.  I feel like I'm probably pretty great at faking it, too.  

I have realised that I can't keep going like this and I am ill equipped to even help myself any more.  And I'm not even able to consider suicide anymore.  Geez!  Something has to change - so I asked for help.

Open the friggin floodgates.  It turns out I had been doing a splendid job of ignoring exactly how bad I had been feeling.  Now that I'm in the process of getting help I have been unable to ignore these feelings anymore.  All of the things I have been trying so desperately not to feel are roaring around my head.  It's funny how it hits me.  Every so often I am overcome by a wave of sadness and hopelessness.  It is horrible and distracting.  It makes it impossible to complete even the simplest of tasks.  This wave is accompanied always by the thought that I wish I wasn't here.

But here I am.  And I sure hope this is rock bottom.  

PS. I have seen the GP, been prescribed anti-depressants and I see a psychologist in three days.  I don't need people to tell me to live and blah blah blah.  I'm putting this up here because if others who feel just the same as I do read this they will know they are not alone and maybe gain the courage to find help too.

[wetpatch]

I just found this site, and wanted to chat to someone, i found this post. Well written. I can empathise with almost all of this. I also like having the suicide option, but could never do it to the people who'd be upset. I like to think I could do it and have it look like an accident if it came to it. I don't expect it'll ever happen, but its calming to have your options back.

Also, rock bottom can be just as liberating. Try writing a list of things you can do - climb a mountain, volunteer, sell your furniture, travel, join singing lessons. The good thing about rock bottom is that if you don't enjoy them - you lose nothing!

Logically, you are not dead inside, else, whence comes the sadness? The cravings, the care for loved ones? 

[Hayley]

I know how you feel, I understand it because I feel it too, Thanks for sharing your story. I admire your honesty. Do what's right for you whatever that be. I don't think another can say don't kill yourself so I'm not going to say that to you. Nor can they judge someone for doing it. A person that chooses to do that doesn't see there is another way. I think when you get to that point your not thinking about anyone else your fighting to stay alive in that split second of a moment and not everyone comes out of that to see another day. This in only my point of view but thanks for your post.

[ModeratorA]

Easy-D

Rock bottom sounds pretty miserable. It is great you have organised some support, your GP and Psycologist. How did it go with the psychologist?  Clearly you are not alone, others here have experiences similar to yours. Thank you for sharing with the   forum members. Keep the courage going, and keep seeking help. It sounds like you may have been here once before with depression, so you know it can pass.

Let us know how you are going.

The moderators

[Easy_D]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for reading/commenting.

I saw the psychologist yesterday and that actually went really well.  Much better than my GP visit (he was horrible and that sent me into a bit of a melt-down!) but I was nervous before the appointment.  She was really nice and easy to talk to and we have a plan in place with some goals set.  

It hasn't 'fixed' me but I have gained a little hope.  So that's good.  I did get home and get stuck in another funk.  I've just been experiencing these intense waves of depression that hit.  Not too fun.

There is something surprisingly empowering about being open and honest about depression. Looking back now, I'm not too sure what I was worried about. Why did I take so long to confide in someone? I guess I was worried people would judge me or treat me differently. I finally told one of my friends via text message and was blown away with their response. They were understanding, concerned but most of all really cool. I was really proud of my friend for how they reacted. Ahhh – relief. It seems like something small to tell a friend but for me it was huge. And as soon as I received that text back a massive weight was lifted. They asked a few questions and told me that they were there if I needed them. Then told me about a caramel slice they were eating like what I had told them was no big deal and things were still normal. I'm learning more about this illness and I think that is most of the battle. The more you find out the more normal you feel. I'm less embarrassed as I once was as I am beginning to understand depression and how it affects me. Awareness is curative. Well – not quite, but it's helping.

Also, my friend was very surprised to hear I was suffering from some pretty severe depression! I didn't think I was hiding it that well but apparently I was. She had no idea.  

So I'm still here and still getting help, though every day it seems there is a new battle.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Mr Easy,

I found out a friend had depression/alcohol issues today on email and I'd known the guy 15 years.    The BB site seems to draw out things from people in a way that a normal conversation wouldn't.  Once you cut out where to park, which table to sit at, what to order, whether the waiter was snooty or not, how long the drinks will be, etc, then chat about depression might be hard to tackle.   So maybe a text is good for that kind of thing.  Instant, honest and you don't have to worry about the cheque.

A good psychologist will stay with you for a few years.   I'm still in touch with one I met 10 years ago (although I changed to someone closer).   If anything, it seems that the family are the main culprits for accepting ANY type of illness.  "That's not a broken arm - I saw you jiggle the thingy when you got the kit kat out of the machine".    Just remembered on psych admission I had when my dad turned up and stood by the bed.   Finally he tells the staff there's nothing wrong with me and leaves.    I was in my 3rd month of a 9 month manic admission !  Too sedated at the time to take this visit in but the staff had a good laugh about it with me later.

So keep your sense of humour and hand me that caramel slice.  Doctors orders !

Adios, David.