Spontaneous Emotional Combustion

[Girl_Anachronism]

I hadn't posted in a month or so but I am not going well so here I am.  I am alive but most definitely not well. Since it has been a while, I'll try put everything that has happened in a short a description as possible.

•  I am off crutches but still in a knee brace from the  post surgical fall i had a month ago.
• I have been suffering fatigue and other symptoms which i am not sure of the cause of but it has been going on for three weeks now. I have had an MRI and am waiting for the results.I am hoping they find something but i am terrified if what that something could be. I have a doctors appointment Sunday.
• My partner has a dislocated shoulder with little sign of recovery. They are investigating surgery. It is severely impacting her mental health and she has had to defer uni.
• I am 4 weeks behind in uni. I have been to five lectures, out of a possible 30. I have not studied at all at home due to all of the factors above, hospital visits to my girlfriend, driving to the ed with her at the wee hours of the morning. I need to do three units to get paid, but I am worried that i won't be able to catch up. Failing could be the trigger for another year long breakdown.
• My relationship with my partner is strong, but she has her own problems and we are working out how to care for each other and ourselves. We recently moved from a share house with far too many boys and a passive aggressive landlady to a homes west unit of our own. I am writing surrounded by furniture and boxes. This accommodation is more stable and long term, plus far more private which is what we both need.
• A close family friend passed on the 13th. Her death has affected my sister most greatly, but I miss her too. I was unable to attend the funeral because I was too sick to go. I will pay my respects another day. Her death was sudden and unexpected and everyone is sill a little shell shocked.
• Some mornings I wake up and instead of not being able to get out of bed because of physical illness, i can't motivate myself to move. I feel depression licking at my heels, slowly sucking me further under. Having been there before I can recognise it, but don't know how to fight it. 

i am in a bad head space. I know that. I have booked respite for a week, starting Sunday. i feel like I am abandoning my partner just after we moved in but i am stressing so much that I need the break. I need help.

GA

•  
•  

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I did see my OT and Social Worker today. My OT is going to see me in a fortnight, when my psych is on holiday for two weeks. I am seeing my social worker next week. I have texted her but can't talk until office hours.

My partner is in bed, has been all day. I don't know how to help her. She has been smoking inside the house, when I am not here which is against our rules. I know it is her stress relief but i am not saying for her not to, just take two steps outside.

The thing is with her head space what it is, I am afraid to bring it up. I don't know what to do.

I am also struggling with my own urges and my motivation to study. I went to a physics lecture for the first time today and was going OK. When he asked for us to do a brief group exercise I freaked out and left before i went into an anxiety attack. That was with medication. I am going down to the hospital tomorrow to see if I can get something stronger until I see my psychiatrist at the end of the month.

It doesn't help my ex has been nasty about me not finishing my end of the paperwork for the divorce. We can't even submit it until May. I think he is just being childish because this in the end. We don't need to talk after this. I can finally leave him behind. I didn't need his immaturity right now.

 So yeah, different days, different problems

 GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi to all who are still listening,

So it's been a coupe of days. I had a mini meltdown to the end of last week. I freaked out in a lecture when asked to do group exercises. I got the wrong time for a lecture and then was wondering around, with no money to spare. There were books I wanted, but most of all I wanted to have something because I was feeling so bad.

So I stole a scarf from a market stall. Or tried to. The lady running it followed me and asked for it back and I gave it to her. Then I freaked out and found a quiet piece of grass to freak out on. I called my psych and spoke to him. The next day I went to get extra anxiety meds from the  local hospital after doing my budget which i was short 200 for bills i need to pay. Then I  had a meltdown. My partner was there and I couldn't support her in her crisis, for one of my own.

We've talked it out and worked out how to live for another fortnight. I can't drive my car because i can't afford the rego or petrol or insurance. I haven't caught up on study and the maths assignments i had an extension for are over due. I asked for longer but I feel terrible for wasting my maths lecturers time,

On the upside my ex has asked me to do the paperwork solo as he can't handle ending the marriage. He won't oppose it but just can't do the paperwork himself, emotionally. I shouldn't feel like it is a win, but I do. Understand I am ending it and filing the paperwork without these difficulties. I just feel weird that I don't feel upset by this, that I am in the more responsible position. I don't know how to feel.

 I also ran into an ex martial arts students at uni today. If i wasn't anxious enough after the market stall incident. I don't feel welcome, like I am in imposter there. We talked of some things. I gave him my new phone number, for him to pass along to other ex students he lives with. Ex friends i guess, not through a conflict but through my withdrawal from my old life

I read a quote today.

The past does not equal the future.

It seems odd timing that i should then run into an old friend. Maybe the  universe is speaking to me. I don't know. I am still fragile after my meltdown, and out of meds. I go there tomorrow for my appointments with my psych and my social worker, who is helping us with food this week.

Maye I am just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of change. Can you be less tired of change if you are in control of it? Or is it just as exhausting?

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thanx for your latest update – and holy smoke, you’re sure packing a lot in over the time.   Ok, not all of it so good, but there are snippets of “good” there.

The very fact that you are able to come here and unload, I feel is a big positive.   But you’ve also been out and about – and whether you realise it or not, all these things are positive instances of you pushing yourself.

I mean, look at how you were, oh back a number of months ago, you were barely getting out from under the doona.

So I say, try not to be too hard on yourself with all the things you’ve got going.  That’s a lot on your plate there and as a result of having so much, there are things that are required or needed to be done, or paid for, or handed in and this is causing you major stress.  But I say, hey, at least you’re ‘out there’ and having a go.

The ex martial arts student – were you in on that course as a student as well?   Did you know the others kind of well??   Do you think that is something that you might feel ‘ok’ to possibly try again??   It’s actually a very good thing to have in your ‘kit bag’ on so many levels – physically of course, but also very beneficial mentally as well.

And just to finish, you say maybe you are tired.   I think you could be absolutely right with that statement.  As we’ve discovered you’re out there and doing things and all of these things have attached stressors to them – but I say look at the broader picture – of how you are now compared to earlier.  Of you being strong enough and mentally able to fill in those papers re:  the ending of the marriage and that you feel quite fine in doing this.  Another major task almost completed.  That’s the thing GA, you’re out there but not setting yourself little goals – you’re aiming for bigger ones.

So yes, rest up and recharge your batteries as soon as you can – keep eating and drinking well and keep focussing on moving forward – one tiny step after another.

Neil

[Blackruby]

Hey GA

Lectures are always a stressful thing. Don't focus on the fact you had to leave, focus on the fact that you went in the first place. Group work is stressful I probably would have don't the same thing. Also getting to a lecture at the wrong time happens all the time especially when you are doing a full load. It sucks that you had no money though.

Instead of getting something nice were you able to do something nice for yourself instead I know that makes me feel better.

Its good that you have a supportive psych that you can contact when you need to, does he help you?

How is your partner going? It must be hard for both of you to support each other when your both not doing well. Is it getting any easier?

With your car is there anyone who can help?

How are you going with the divorce stuff? it must be challenging to do it all by yourself

Maybe you were meant to run into you ex student. maybe it is the right time to connect with that part of your past.

With feeling tired, we all feel tired when there has been a lot of emotional things going on. or when there is lots of change. hopefully it will pass and get easier

Blackruby

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

The student was from the martial arts class I used to teach with my ex. So no I can't restart the classes, though I want to take up some form of martial arts Just financially it is not possible at the moment. I am on physio for the next two months for my knee, regardless.

Thank you for your post. I will try to take smaller goals. Looking back at my earlier posts, I have come out of the doona. After discussions with my social worker and psych they say the same thing - I need to let go of some of my perfectionism, in order to accept and move forward. I need to accept that smaller goals are good enough, which isn't an easy task. It is like trying to lose a limb i have had since I was a child.

The question now is how to do that.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Blackruby,

My psych is very good and though I can call him, we have boundaries set up which we both respect. It is hard interacting with anyone when you have borderline, and boundaries is one of the challenges he is teaching me to face.He is going to be away for the next two weeks.

 With the car stuff, i don't have anyone I can borrow money off. I feel better not paying and not driving, or my pride does. I have come to peace with that.  As for the divorce stuff, I am doing OK. I am busy with other things so i haven't proceeded but I want to get a grip on uni first, not to mention there is a fee involved which my ex will reimburse.

Maybe it is time to get in contact with them again. I don't know. I'll think about it.It is harder to do things nice for myself. Every monster of mine just keeps saying I am not worth it, I don't deserve it. I have to challenge that, I know.  But that is hard too.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Great to hear back from you – the physio that you’re receiving for the recuperation of your knee is a very important one.  I hope you’re able to continue with it and not miss any appointments, as getting that kind of assistance to manipulate and get strength and flexibility back in key body locations is crucial.

Smaller tasks is the way to go and to try, try try to ease up on your perfectionism will also help big time.   Small goals – jot them down, type them down – ponder on what you might like to achieve;  little ones, constantly.  The more you do it, the more, hopefully it may become habit for you.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

So I took m partner over to he hospital last night because she had severe back pain. We thought it might be a recurrence of an old injury. She stayed overnight, and may be in for the next few days. News this morning was that she had lost sensation in her left leg. She is using a wheelchair for everything in hospital because the pain is too severe and now she can't walk. We are waiting on news this morning for their plan forward.

I am meant to go to a lecture today and then go see her. I am prepared to be her carer, and see her through this. I will be hard given we live in a first floor unit and nothing is really set up for the right height  in here. We can work around that maybe, while finding a more permanent solution, if this is going to be a permanent problem, which we are not sure of yet.

I am trying to function as normal - feed cats, study like i planned, go to my lecture until we receive more concrete news.  It's just hard right now, and I can only imagine her head space. She doesn't like interrupting my uni or needing help at the best of times.

I just don't know.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I’m really sorry to hear that about your partner – sounds like a very awful situation, but one that I hope that the right kinds of tests can produce some kind of answer for you both.  I could imagine that it’d be quite scary to have something like that.

Trying to function normally – those are 4 awesome words.  Yes yes, get to your lecture and focus on that for as long as you can – I don’t know how long lectures go for, but try to steel yourself to be “with it” for as long as you can during this time;   you can always ‘crash’ a bit later on.   Try for as much as you can to keep yourself occupied and for as long as you can – this will help to ease you through the day.

The old little goals routine.

Even back at your home to try to tidy up one room or even part of one room.  Just take it small bit by bit, nice and easily, quietly and you might be surprised at what you can achieve.

Fingers crossed for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

A few tests later and there is good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no immediate need for surgery or anything serious with my partners spine.The bad news is that they don't know the cause or how long it will take to recover. Physio in our home 4-5 times a week.

I finally made the decision to drop two of my units, leaving me with the easiest and most enjoyable one. I don't like myself for having to do it but i have to accept that I am not the person I was three years ago. I don't have the capacities I had three years ago. I keep telling myself and my partner that I have not given up, I am just going at a slower pace. My perfectionism hates me for it. My perfectionism says I am worth nothing.

As I am in a full time carer role, which I do not mind, in fact I enjoy being somewhat useful given the uncertainties of the situation; my partner however can't help but feel guilty about it. We have had long talks about it but you can't help what you feel. We just have to control how we react to those feelings.

She is also frustrated by being trapped in the house. She needs me to help her down the stairs even if I do not go with her. As it is a fact of life, I don't know what to suggest, other than to try and reassure her I do not mind doing that. At her mothers house it a lot more accessible in the terms of the ramps we have fit better, and she can go outside properly.

So still problems. I just feel like we are coping right now. Coping but not living.

GA