Somewhere along the way I lost my sparkle

[Poppycorn]

Hello! Not sure how to start... I feel like my life got stuck at some point and I run out of motivation to change it. I live quite comfortable, thanks to my husband. He is amazing and does everything he can to cheer me up. But I often feel sad and feel like I'm wasting my life, thinking about everything I could be doing, but I don't have the energy...We have everything that we need but we could be better financially. We have some debts so there isn't much spare money and I feel bad that I'm not helping. Sometimes, the only productive thing that I do in a whole day is a load of washing. I've been living in Australia for 6 years, the only job that I could get since then is sales assistant. I've applied for hundreds of jobs and never got a successful outcome. I had a career before, I used to have confidence that I could achieve things, but now I just feel like I'm dumb, I'm boring, I'm inferior, I'm not good enough. I'm currently studying a Master and I constantly feel that everyone is smarter and they are taking the course way better. I'm struggling to focus on my assignments because I have a lot of anxiety and worries about failing. I also feel that I don't belong, that I am the "spare" friend. I never had too many friends (still have some good ones overseas) but I feel like I'm not good in terms of building strong friendships. I'm 35 and I'm feeling completely lost and that I didn't do anything significant in the past few years. There are some situations that I feel sad to remember because I couldn't feel the plenitude of the moment, even if it was something really great. I was feeling empty. I find it hard to stick to a routine, get into hobbies, be motivated to exercise and finish whatever I started. I'm just tired of doing things the wrong way and not doing my best (or not doing enough) to achieve things. I still dream with a better version of myself, living with purpose and sharing the weight of the responsibilities with my husband. I look my photos from 5 years ago and I was glowing, I miss being that person but I don't know what can I do... 

[therising]

Hi Poppycorn

I feel so deeply for you at these crossroads in your life. Which way to go? The feeling of not knowing and even the feeling of not being able to move in any direction are a couple of feelings that be so tormenting and even depressing to some degree. So, it's not just about direction, it's also about 'Why the heck can't I move?'.

I've found what can sometimes help, for a start, involves identifying what's in my nature. Kinda like 'Is it in my nature to be able to see, hold a vision in the way of what I can imagine for myself when it comes to the way forward? Have I been a seer in the past but for some reason my ability to see isn't working right now?'. Another question, 'Is it in my nature to feel deeply and easily, to be someone who's typically able to feel for others or myself and is able to get a feel for situations etc? Have I been a feeler in the past but for some reason my ability to feel and feel the best way forward isn't working right now?'. And another, 'Is it in my nature to hear, when it comes to the kind of inner dialogue that offers answers to questions I can struggle with at times, for example? Have I been a hearer in the past but for some reason it's as though I've lost my ability to hear in all the best ways'. Just for clarity's sake, I'll elaborate on that last one. It's that kind of inner dialogue that can sound like 'You need to begin looking for the kinds of things that are going to start making some difference'. Perhaps that's the inner sage in us speaking. 

So, if it's in your nature to see, to feel and to hear, that's the kind of stuff you just don't lose. It can seemingly disappear for a time, for one reason or another, but because it's in your nature it's something that never leaves you. In order to see, feel and hear in high end ways (when it comes to a vast emotional spectrum), I've personally found there needs to be enough energy with which to do it. From my own experience, I've found being a bit of an 'energy detective' can go a long way. While there are a lot of different forms of obvious energy input that we're designed to absorb and process, such as sunlight, oxygen (involving some effective breathing techniques), water, good food, restorative rest (sleep, relaxation etc), social excitement etc, there can also be a lot of less obvious factors that can get in the way of us being highly functional and excited. A visit to a good GP (energy detective) can make a difference. Whether they're detecting chemical energy deficiencies (iron, b12 or other energy zappers) or detecting energy zapping sleep disturbances (sleep apnea, insomnia etc) or something else, it's their job to detect why the physical energy's not there. On the other hand, a psychologist can detect what kind of mental energy can be interfering with our way of life, such as depressing inner dialogue, energy zapping beliefs, mind altering traumas etc that can stop us from experiencing highs. Then there are soulful kinds of things such as what skills and knowledge are worth working towards developing in the way of a more soulful kind of high energy existence. And then there can be a combo of all 3, physical, mental and soulful.

As far as all that kind of energy goes, I tend to look at it from the perspective of different levels: I can feel high, grounded or under ground (in a depression). While 'high' can be about excitement and feeling our self in some incredible natural flow, 'grounded' can feel maybe safe or comfortable but won't necessarily have us excited or in the flow. Grounding can be important at times, especially in times of stress. 'Under ground' is a whole other story, with a wide variety of factors involved that can take us there. Not being able to feel our own energy (aka 'life force', 'high vibe', 'zing' or 'sparkle') is definitely one of the things that can take us there. In depression, there remains a soulful longing for that high.

[Guest_54900814]

Hi,

I understand where you're coming from and it's not a nice feeling. I'm of similar age 32.

Do you work? Or would like to work?

Feels like you're missing something in your life to have a meaning/purpose.

Did you come from overseas? Which country? Did your hubby bring you to Australia?

Depending were you live can also change how long it takes to get a job.

Congrats on doing your masters. This is an achievement. 

I've been the spare friend too, it's hard to find genuinely nice people who just get you. Stay strong, someone will come along.

Have you tried engaging with activities in your area? Catch up with people like you? Try meetup. 

Hope this helps 🙂