So numb to it all.

[Woody79]

Hello,

First time posting here and I don’t usually reach out like this, but.......

So I’ve had (suffered) from Major Depression and GAD since adolescence (I turned 39 in June), been hospitalised for it, lost jobs because of it, there’s nothing here that most of you can’t relate to so I won’t bore you all to death. But lately (over a year) I just feel so numb to everything, to me there is just no happiness to be found anywhere. Like most of you, I slap a smile on my face around people so I don’t burden anyone with my problems, but It’s getting harder to keep the smile there and even harder to pretend that I’m interested in anything.

I just want to curl up into a ball and be left alone............. but at the same time I want to feel better and get excited about life again. Anyway I think I just needed to get these thoughts out of my mind and onto “paper.” Feel free to disregard

[smallwolf]

Woody79,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. I will not disregard you. Like you, I am just another user on the forum that suffers from anxiety and depression and then some. I am listening and reading of the pain in your post. Your post seems to show a person wearing a mask? On the outside everything looks fine, but on the inside, it is a different picture? And you want to show your real self? This is a place where you can show your real self, where you are can post in anonymity. You will be accepted by the people in this community and not be judged.

I have some questions for you (below). Many of which you would be familiar with?

Do you know what your triggers are?
Do you have any distraction and coping mechanisms?
Are you sleeping OK? Good sleep hygiene can help reduce anxiety/depression?
Are you currently getting any professional help? Or not?

Also you will other threads in the forums to help you including...

Three things to be thankful for today - Beyondblue
Grounding yourself, What is it and how do you? - Beyondblue
Relaxation exercises - Beyondblue

Do a google search to find the above pages. As you are probably aware, knowing what your triggers help you manage it. My psychologist has also given me other tools, suggested apps to install my phone (only 2) and a 1 book to read. If you have any questions or want to chat, please let me know.

Sending peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[LavenderTea]

Hey Woody79,

I'm sorry to hear that this is how you're feeling. Sometimes having to fake a smile can be more emotionally draining than just showing people how you are feeling. I'm not too sure what your social network is like, but often, the people you are close to do actually care, and do want to know how you're really feeling.

It sounds like you're having a really hard time, and I can understand that dealing with depression and GAD since adolescence can be tiring. I do agree with Tim, that it might be a good idea to try and revisit some coping mechanisms if you have a few that have worked for you in the past.

There's a really good acronym that headspace use that might help to remind yourself of things you can try - STEER.

• S - Self care: good physical health can influence our mental health, so eating well, exercise, good sleeping habits, and minimal use of drugs or other substances are key things for self care.
• T - Thinking patterns: being aware of your thought patterns is important. Negative thinking loops are tricky, so if there are things that might trigger one, try to avoid it, or distract yourself
• E - Express your thoughts and feelings.... you're doing that one already... TICK!
• E - Enjoyment: While it might be difficult, and may take some extra effort, try to think of some things you've enjoyed in the past (i.e. reading, watching TV, hobbies) and if you feel up to it, try one out. Keep in mind your mood and any changes, a small positive change is something to hold on to.
• R - Relaxing: this might be hard to do especially if you have GAD, but it is still important. Mindfulness, breathing exercise, and just listening to some music are all helpful ways that might relax you.

Hoping this has been helpful in some way!

LT.

[AngelAm]

Hello Woody79,

I understand exactly what you mean. I am going through similar phase, except that I am already locking myself in 4 walls for days before something hits me and I decide to go out for a while. Then it is the same thing again for days. Not healthy at all. I know acting all happy and smiles can be every very exhausting.

Don't worry though. You are not alone. And when you want to be yourself, we are here as your friends because we understand what it feels like. So don't think for a moment that anyone would disregard what you said. We can associate to it.

I would, though, like to suggest something. It is difficult but sometimes, we have to be persistent and head strong. Try to do one small thing for 'yourself' everyday. Even if it is something as small as reading one page of your favourite book, or listen to a song you love. It is very hard to do this most of the times, especially when we are depressed. But try it. And if you can challenge yourself, then take small walks. Fresh air can do wonders sometimes. I don't believe in miracles anymore. But I do believe that we are only given the hardships for which we have strength. And when we reach the other side, we are better that before.

One of my therapists told me something that stayed with me forever. There is an art called kintsukuroi. When a ceramic piece breaks, the cracks are filled with gold. It is not about hiding the flaws, but bringing them to the front and let them have a definition and character of their own. And the result is a more beautiful and stronger object. Think of yourself as that. You are wonderful and you have proven your strength for so long. Keep up the good work. If anything, you have motivated me for yet another day. If you can do it, then I should give it a try too.

I wish you happiness and good health, my friend.

-A