So lost, sentimental and almost beyond blue

[Debedee86]

Just want some kind messages of hope, been struggling for years on my own after bad experiences with antidepressants years ago, partner has no time for me,have no friends, need some hope 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I hope I can give you such hope.

I recall an auntie visiting us when I was about 14yo. I said (in relation to life) "what ever happens happens"  to which she replied "No, what ever happens you make it happen". It was one of those moments in my life that in an instant changed my perspectives on my future thinking. However, I remained overall a negative thinker until 26yo when I attended a motivation lecture. You can read it here- 

30 minutes can change your life - Beyond Blue Forums - 154525

So, that event was such a shock I realized the - sky was the limit to my future that I can carve out, not just let luck become my Saviour. But when fake positivity struck me one day I also found out that positivity needs to also be measured and realistic or the disappointment in not succeeding those unreal goals is too hard to bare. So I ended up at around 45yo (I'm 67yo) in a mental position to be as true as possible where I could succeed in any direction I focused on. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar etc and the big challenges came.

What I found with depression, mania and other MH problems is that our safety zone is usually good, home, friends, family, job.. but when we are challenged with finding life without happiness we sometimes need to break away from our comfort zone because we are unaware of the things that hold our happiness back eg toxic people. If we have a toxic family member that brings little to our happiness than we are likely to keep them in our lives through obligation, if we think radically and remove them or can contain them then we could be sparking some happy future times. The following page points that out.

When all is lost....what can you do? Be radical? - Beyond Blue Forums - 47450

So if you read the first page of both of those articles and want to discuss them further including a bit more information as the the circumstances leading up to writing your post, I'd be very happy to chat further.

Thankyou for your courage in posting

TonyWK

[indigo22]

Hi Debedee86,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out for some support. I am sorry you are feeling so low and can understand your need for hope when there seems to be none. I have been dealing with major depression all my life (now in my 60s) and I know it is not an easy road and particularly without meds to bolster you. You said your partner has no time for you, is this due to work or lack of understanding? Friends that understand mental health issues are few and far between, I have discovered who my friends are during a crisis and most failed miserably. It takes empathy and compassion to understand mental illness, two qualities that are sadly lacking in todays society. Things are changing slowly, but not quickly enough to help those who are struggling with feeling isolated and misunderstood. As a suggestion, would you consider finding group therapy nearby, perhaps make some connections in that way? Is there something that you like to do or would like to try doing that could get you out amongst like minded people? Please feel free to post as often as you wish, you will be supported and please know you are not alone, there is a whole community of people here that understand.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi Debedee86

I think sometimes it's hindsight that helps with depression. Being able to look back and analyse the hell out of things can lead to revelations, relief or some resemblance of heaven on earth. To be able to say 'I've managed this depression with so much hard work, a mind blowing level of tolerance and endurance, without a lot of the knowledge and skills required to beat it and I've managed it without people saying all the right things to lead me out of it' puts things into perspective. With such hindsight, there comes a sense of pride in having managed largely alone without too many people raising us in all the ways we desperately need them to. Even if you can't see it, I can see how amazing you are, to be raising yourself.

The search for the right antidepressant can feel like a form of brutal torture and I think more medical folk need to acknowledge this. While desperate for a difference, the 1st can be trialed for weeks to see if it works, only for us to find it doesn't work. Feels like a depressing waste of time. 2nd med comes along with perhaps some horrible side effects (like deeper depression and extreme lethargy/no energy). A major problem when plenty of energy is the thing that gives us a sense of connection to life. Hmmm. 'Stick with it' may be the highly questionable advice. And on and on it goes with all the meds that don't work. I can remember reaching the wrong depressing conclusion, 'I'm so broken to the point where medication can't even fix me'. The truth is every single bit of chemistry we put into our body, from the chemistry in food to the chemistry in liquid (like water or alcohol) to the chemistry in a pill, will have a positive, negative or neutral effect in relation to the chemistry present in our body. In depression, it becomes a bit of a mad/sad scientist scenario, madly experimenting with a variety of chemical reactions, in search of some explosive 'Eureka!' moment we can really feel.

Whether waiting for the right med to kick in, waiting for our partner to make a difference or waiting for something else in the way of relief, one of the things I've learned along the way is a depressing level of waiting is...well...depressing. It was White Knight who came to my rescue during a deeply depressing period some months back. If it wasn't for Tony it could have taken me years to finally hit on the following revelation: While there can be a basic amount of waiting (for a difference in life) or a frustrating amount of waiting or an intolerable amount of waiting, there can also be a deeply depressing amount of waiting. A depressing level of waiting definitely has a feel to it. Managing not waiting, through moving forward, can definitely require a really solid guide who can lead the way.

I think a need to form friendships can gradually grow. One day, we finally feel that need. 'How to go with that feeling?' becomes the question. Another question, 'How to find the kinds of people we can relate to?'. Indigo22's suggestion of a group of people who can relate to depression could lead you to revelations that make a mind altering life changing difference.