So down, so confused

Lost89 · ‎21-02-2017

Hello online community. This is my 1st post so yay for me, I suppose this is a good step.

Where do I begin? I have suffered from depression and anxiety since my teens and it has been an up and down battle ever since.

I have been in a loving relationship for over 6 years now. My partner is what dreams are made of, supportive, understanding, loving and will do anything for me.

Lately though I am so depressed and anxious, I can't even get off the couch. I don't sleep, I don't eat and I have zero motivation. Yesterday I couldn't go to work, which makes me more anxious as I had to call in sick (gotta love the power of anxiety hey?)

I try to zero in on my thoughts to try and work through them, but they are going so fast I don't even know what they are. I feel so guilty as I have completely removed myself from my partner and I can see that im hurting him. How can he love the half version of myself?

I feel so lost and unfulfilled, like I've wasted my prime time. I guess I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

Anyway, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I guess I just need to hear that im not alone, not crazy and there are others out there that feel the same.

Thank you and stay strong!

Quercus · ‎21-02-2017

Hi Lost89,

I'm so glad you posted and reached out for help. Reading your words I felt like you were describing how I felt for the last three years. Its only now that I have medication and relief I feel like myself again.

I loved how you wrote you just need to know you're not alone or crazy because that's a very easy thing for me to give you. You are not alone. There are so many people here who have gone through or are experiencing the same things as you and want to help you too.

You mentioned these feelings aren't new to you. Have you talked to your GP or a psychologist? If not it would be a really good idea to make an appointment.

Anyway welcome to BB and I hope this helps you even just a little.

pawsy · ‎21-02-2017

hello Lost89 and welcome . jeez these feelings are a biatch arent they? you are definitely not alone and you are definitely not crazy. i feel *exactly* like this too: 'I feel so lost and unfulfilled, like I've wasted my prime time. I guess I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.' it is really difficult to feel lost and unfulfilled. it is really difficult to feel like i dont know myself. im so glad you posted. there are lots of folks here whose stories, kindness and good humour can help. virtual handsqueeze sent your way, and i hope you keep posting. from pawsy

Lost89 · ‎22-02-2017

Hello and thanks for your replies and kind words. I have made an appointment with my GP. I think i need to review my medication as I feel like what I'm on just isn't helping

Thank you for the verification that I'm not alone and crazy. It's 12.41am and im lying here, with all the typical 'relax' techniques... calming music, deep breathing, essential oils- you name it i'm trying it. I just cant sleep, my legs are so restless, I just can't stop moving them!! I'm so tired yet so wired, I'm hungry yet neaseus, I'm hot yet cold.

Anyone have any tips for these sleepless nights?

Forever grateful, your friend lost89

geoff · ‎22-02-2017

hi Lost, if your partner is able to accept that you can't sleep then do you need to move away from him, I realise that you may worry about him and how this is affecting him, and that's not what you want to do, but that's anxiety.
Remember that some people are able to get a night's sleep if they have anxiety, but they wake up feeling as though they haven't had any sleep at all, so the outcome is still the same, so maybe change bedrooms, take the clock out, because that's what you are watching and cursing everytime you look at it.
What you are thinking about is everything you are worried about trying to solve the world and all it's problems, in other words all your troubles, trying to seek new information that may stimulate you, but nothing happens because there is always something there which blocks any of this, and then you worry about why.
You can't solve any problems at night, such as why you are feeling guilty for your partner.
Depression and anxiety go hand in hand, however there could be one which could be more dominant than the other, and this is what your doctor has to decide on, and then review your medication. Geoff.

Lost89 · ‎22-02-2017

Hi Geoff, thank you, I actually tried sleeping in the spare room not long after I posted, I eventually got a few hours zzzzz but not many. I am indeed very blessed with my understanding partner.

Hanging out for my GP appt next week to try and sort this out!

Thanks everyone for all the advise and kind words

Quercus · ‎22-02-2017

Hi Lost89,

Not being able to sleep is awful. I hope you get some results with your GP soon.

My psychiatrist told me some people react differently to antidepressants so when I couldn't sleep he got me to take the tablets at night instead. It didn't work for me but maybe you could ask your GP about that? I wish I had some answers for you but I'm in the same restless boat (maybe Geoff is right and I should ask about my meds too!).

I tend to try to sleep and if I'm tossing and turning then I get up and leave the bedroom and do something quiet (read, draw, have a herbal tea) for a while then try again later. It doesn't work well but it's better than laying there disrupting hubby and freaking out that the kids will have me up at dawn and I need sleep.

If you find something that works please feel free to share I'd appreciate it.

Take care of yourself, hope the doctor has some suggestions too!

Lost89 · ‎10-07-2017

Guess what everyone?? I guess it all got too much for my amazing partner and we have split up. I am dead inside.

Quercus · ‎10-07-2017

Hi Lost89,

Sorry to hear that you feel so low right now. It probably doesn't help you to feel any better but we are all here hoping you can get through this horrible time and keep reaching out for help however you can.

Do you have friends and family you can ask to help keep you busy? Got an appointment booked with your psychiatrist? It's time to be gentle on yourself and make your health priority number one.

I won't ignore the fact that a partner leaving is absolutely devestating maybe even more so when you worry if your MI is partly to blame. And I am sad that you have to go through this.

But I hope you are able to acknowledge that just because he isn't able or willing to stick around for you that doesn't mean you aren't worthy of being loved. Even with a mental illness and all the issues and baggage that comes with it we are still worth loving. Just wanted to remind you of that.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to vent and talk as you wish. We're here in your corner.

pawsy · ‎12-07-2017

Hello dear Lost89,

I too am sorry to hear you are suffering a break-up. Very painful business in my experience, and i would quite understand it contributing to your feeling of being dead inside. I'm so sorry ... I dont want to say anything glib like 'this too shall pass'. I feel pretty dead inside too, and it's such a sad thing to have. I'm not sure what the solution is ... I just hope time heals, for both you, me ... and everyone else here (and elsewhere) suffering inner-death. i hope we heal and come back to life, but no incisive tips for how to do it, alas. big hug from pawsy.