Shattered by negative comment.

[yarnartisan]

I'm coming out of a major depressive episode, due to a series of stressful events beyond my control with work,family,life in general.Been trying so hard to avoid negativity of others at work and either ignore/ let snide comments slide not to be over-sensitive.

But today at work,it was a wierd day anyway.Then I was sent to cover someone for what I was told would be an hour.  Teacher A,whose class I was working in was annoyed ( though not with me),as she wanted me to do small group work. I told her I'd be back in an hour .

Firstly, I got sent to the wrong room, felt like an idiot becuase the class was empty. Rang back to check for the right room number (being a typical depressive?GAD asumed I'd got it wrong)only to find out that it was the person who'd sent me there had got it wrong.

Feeling very wrong-footed already, went into a class I'd never been to before, to  have that teacher really snap at me in a very terse patronising tone, about something very minor, in front of a parent and  students. Even when I explained why I'd made the error, she continued to make a big deal out of it.

Then the staff member I was relieving didn't come back for 1 3/4 hours, so I felt guilty about that. It was outside my control, but I felt bad, went to apologise to the teacher whose class I'd left, but couldn't find her.

By now, it was the end of the day.I went back the office I share with a workmate, who I usually download to. But she was in an intense conversation with someone, that they quite obviously didn't want me to hear.

So grabbed my stuff, went home and am left feeling really down and with that choked throat , want to cry , but can't feeling.My Queensland father in law had a great saying, (  no offence intended to anyone, it's about the sentiment expressed not the subject) that perfectly fits my mood "Some days, you could far kick a nun down the stairs"

Why is it some verbal arrows pierce your 'mental armour' ,hurt so much, shatter your self esteem and carefully reconstructed confidence??

If this was anyone else I'd be saying ,"Don't worry about it , it's her problem not yours". Why, can't I believe that myself,

Does the self-loathing,feeling of inadequacy,over-sensitivity ever get better? Is it always going to be one step forward, two back? I'm just so over the endlessness of ' emotional triggers' at the moment.

Am dreading going  to work tomorrow, possibly running into that particular teacheragain, plus having to explain to the teacher whose class I'd left.

Yarnartisan.

[white knight]

Hi Yarnartisan, welcome

Sensitivity can have strong connections with depression. I'm a top example. But as you havent mention that "D" word I'll leave that well alone.

As I have been the most sensitive person I've ever known I have been bullied even up to 2 years ago and I'm 59yo. What happened 2 years ago that turned me around? Well I havent lost my sensitivity but I've found ways to combat other people's unreasonable and attacks. Fight back instantly. These people offload onto us and leave us with their problem. That isnt our fault if we are left in circumstances that is not our fault. They should, as in your case, in the first instance, seek out explanation. A fair go. Instead they intend to leave you with their venting anger and if they are successful then they are happy chappies.

Fight back instantly. To do this pre-empt their response. But firstly get in first. eg Sorry Martha it wasnt my fault Mary sent me to the wrong class" Then Martha might straight away seek answers from Mary not vent it all to you. If Martha explodes before you can explain then ignore her. Just ignore her as if you are being bullied.

Do not seek her time. Do not lower your high standards. Do, care for your mental well being and stand tall.

Tony WK

[marjay]

Hi Yarnartisan

Sorry to hear about that horrible day at work. I do understand how you felt; I'm afraid if it had been me while I was still trying to recover from dramatic life events I would have cried  in front of the bully and then, to displace THAT major embarrassment I would have made the situation worse by getting hysterically angry. I have many memories of such scenes, to my shame.

In answer to your question of "does it get better" ... a resounding yes is the answer. It does take time but putting a few positive things into place will have you feeling strong again. You have made a very good beginning by posting on these forums ...you will be understood here and not criticized.

You probably know all the things you can do ... meditation, exercising, eating well, talking to others (professional or friends), cognitive Behavioural therapy etc etc. I personally found that all have been beneficial to me (well, the food thing didn't actually ever happen ... all the stuff I find tasty is not conducive to good health). But it doesn't happen overnight. Perhaps start with something simple ... self-talk is easy to change. You may not initially believe what you are telling yourself, but eventually it will get deeper into your inner self.

One important aspect of that is to use only positive messages with a positive tense. For example, instead of saying "I will not get upset" say "I am always calm" or something along those lines ... whatever works for you. Keep it short and simple, and say it over and over whenever you can, especially if you have some quiet moments or when you go to bed. The mind really is a sponge, it will soak up whatever we put into it.

I also found it effective to imagine myself shielded by a suit of armour ... word arrows bounced off and boomeranged back to their archer. That one works better when you've had some forewarning of an attack though (it takes a while to get into that heavy suit). 

It would be lovely if that teacher who was so rude (to parents and students too, because they had to witness her poor manners) apologised to you. That may not happen (except in our dreams, probably) ... but reflect on this .. inside every bully is a small and very frightened child. You may then be able to face her again with compassion instead of fear.

I really do hope today was a better day for you.

Cheers, Marjay

[pipsy]

Dear yarnartisan.  Well, for a start, none of the above WAS your fault.  However, that doesn't help.  With the 'bullying' teacher, you can't obviously distance yourself, but instead of letting it 'get to you'.  I would (next time you see her/him), smile sweetly, like nothing's happened.  When and if similar situation happens, wish her/him, a 'great day' say it with a smile.  Nothing puts bully's at a disadvantage more than when the person they're bullying doesn't 'rise' to the occasion.  Let everyone see a happy, smiling face (even if you feel like spitting).  On your own, cry, throw tantrums, work out your frustrations, then, next day smile as though nothing's happened.  The bully winds up looking the biggest idiot.  It may take quite a bit of time, but, believe me, in the long run, you'll come out on top.

When I was at school (too long ago too say), we had the typical 'school bully'.  It was a girl, (who as it turns out) had a miserable home life.  My surname was Holmes, I was called by this girl (you guessed it, Sherlock).  I complained bitterly to mum, she suggested 'ignore it'.  Mighty hard (almost impossible).  I ignored it, one day we were having assembly after lunch.  The assistant principle was giving notice to all concerned about detention.  This girl was whispering (extremely loudly) hey Sherlock, what do you say.  I ignored, this seemed to continue.  At the end of the principles talk, he suddenly said , would the girl calling out for Sherlock, please come forward to say why she wants him.  The girl went beet red, I had no more trouble.  Silence is your best weapon.  The bully always gets 'payback'. 

Footnote:  The bully had to apologize in front of the whole school.   

The depression will lift once you start feeling more confident.  If they see how upset you are by the bullying, this will make it 10 times worse.  Bullies love watching their victims squirm, that's why they continue bullying. 

BB is always here, too if it gets too much.

[yarnartisan]

thanks White Knight for your support. You alway give good suggestions that make practical sense.

Your right, sod 'em, I can't change them but I can change how I respond to them.

I'm still learning at this self-care thing but joining BB was definently the best thing I ever did.

As far as standing tall I promise to try hard, if only metaphorically and mentally as at 5ft2in, it ain't gonna happen physically. Maybe I could carry a box to stand on and if all else fails throw it at them. 🙂

Many thanks again,

Yarnartisan.

[yarnartisan]

Thanks for your help and support Marjay. I really liked your comment

One important aspect of that is to use only positive messages with a positive tense. For example, instead of saying "I will not get upset" say "I am always calm" or something along those lines ... whatever works for you.

That struck a chord with me and I'm going to try it out . I had a better day at work today.

Regards,

Yarnartisan.

[yarnartisan]

Many thanks for your response and advice Pipsy.

Take care of you

Yarnartisan.

[white knight]

I'm 6 foot tall, my mother is 5'2". I'm scared of her. It's all got to do with control of your emotions and confidence.

Make these suggestions your focus now. And defend yourself.

Thankyou for replying.   Tony WK