Severely depressed boyfriend is constantly ‘busy’

[maddie_faye]

I have posted this under relationships but since this is also related to depression I thought that I’d put it here to get more advice.

my current boyfriend and I have been together since late September/early October 2021. I had not long come out of domestic violence and now have ptsd as a result, as well as a pre exisiting anxiety condition. My partner also opened up about having a depression diagnosis and I suspect he also has cfs, but was well at the time. The first 2-3 months he was fine mentally then around month 4/5 he started to go down hill but was able to pick himself up, however, since March he has being in a severely depressed hole. We used to see each other every 1-2 weeks, since his depression has gotten worse we only see each other about 1-2 times a month. he is also a full time mechanic and we live an hour away from each other too so doesn’t help. I’ve often struggled with trauma based thoughts since getting into a healthy relationship despite having evidence to prove those thoughts wrong, hence my diagnosis of ptsd (as that is a symptom) and what it’s cottoned onto over the last few months is that it tells me that we’ll never see each other again, he doesn’t love me and things will never get better with his depression. When I do see him next in person, whenever that may be I will try and talk to him about how I’ve been feeling about his depression and hoping he gets some help like I am for my mental health. Despite other people including my psychologist and worker telling me the complete opposite to what my mind says it’s still really hard to deal with and my worker actually has said that this is a trauma response. But I really do hope that my boyfriend gets help for his mental health as it is really quite bad and I don’t like seeing him like this.

[maddie_faye]

Yes - I’ll definitely try to keep an open mind and see how things go.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear maddie,

I am pleased that you had a positive experience with your boyfriend...

I think you are one very beautiful person...being their for boyfriend, when you yourself are struggling with your mental health....being their for him, is all you can do...

But...Yes always a but sweet lady...Please take good care of your mental health the best you can...you are a very important person to a lot of people...

My kind thoughts and care

Grandy..

[maddie_faye]

Thank you - yesterday had a positive influence on us both.

[maddie_faye]

I will continue to update this thread occasionally, as i find it a healthy way to vent about stuff- particularly mental health and relationship related things.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear maddie,

It’s a great idea to post your updates and thoughts here, whenever you feel to do so...We are all here for you to listen and help support you the best we can...

I hope you have a beautiful day today..

Stay warm and be gentle to yourself..

Grandy..

[maddie_faye]

My partner isn’t much of a texter and I’ve noticed in the last few months since he went into that depressive episode and has made himself super busy as a coping mechanism it takes him a while to reply to messages and they’re generally not big reply’s. Since we saw each other on Monday we’ve texted a few times but not a whole lot and he does eventually get back to me but it takes him a while to do so and unless it’s something related to cars he doesn’t generate check his phone .

[maddie_faye]

I have another question, would his mental health and him working full time affect him being able to take me out on dates? Before he got into his depressive episode we used to go out on dates and we haven’t been out on one for a while.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear maddie,

I know when I’m not in a good place with my depression...I don’t want to go out anywhere...especially into crowds...not sure but a nice night or day out together...could be if:-

Maybe, if you could organise a date night..get some food you enjoy and drive to a quiet location...maybe you could sit in the car or sit on a beach, park, a nice bench looking over a nice peaceful scenery, or a lookout and just quietly sit together and enjoy your food, in the peace and quiet you’ve found and in each other’s company...

Do you think your boyfriend would be open to this type of date...

Kind thoughts sweet with my care..

Grandy..

[maddie_faye]

Thanks for responding, generally when I see him he’s absolutely exhausted so we mainly sleep together and cuddle (if he feels like it) and that is something I absolutely love because we are together and very close. We used to do stuff like that more frequently but since his depression got bad we haven’t really done that and I spoke to my mum about this and she said that there is something wrong and that couples go through periods where they don’t really go much and also add in his depression and working full time.

atm I’m more focused on us seeing more of each other rather than going out on dates but I thought that there might be a connection with that and mental health.

[geoff]

Hello maddie_faye, the answer to your question is probably so, he could be taking advantage of working fulltime to cover himself from asking you out, plus he would be too tired.

To organise a date where you both go out, means showering, dressing up and actually getting there, sometimes this can be too much if you're suffering from depression, it certainly was the situation when I was struggling.

Geoff.