Screwed up in the head with emotions that I don't understand

[isitjustme]

Well I just don't know where to turn, so I thought I would just write here...

I have come to the conclusion that it is easier to be that strong person than it is to be the broken person.  I am struggling with myself with the tears and then being so angry at myself for being the way I am feeling.

My husband stays clear of me at the moment, and my kids just don't understand what is going on in my head.  The only time he comes near me to comfort me is if I start to spell it out for him how I feel or if I burst into tears.  He waits for me to spell it out that I hate myself!! 

It is hard enough to admit to myself that I am screwed up in the head with emotions that I don't understand. Then having to admit to others I am screwed up.  All I know is that there is a part of me inside that is broken and it makes me sick to the stomach.

Doctors on thursday can not come soon enough.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear is it just me ? (definately NOT),

The time we need the most support and family members sometimes say "But I didn't want to interfere" or "I didn't want to upset you".      Maybe you'll have to get used to explaining how you are - husband, family, GP, counsellor, psychiarist, neighbour, extended family, etc.   Where does the explaining end ?

Most GP's & counsellors carry tissues.    You might not be able to "fix" everything but it's amazing how a little help can go a long way.   In your own time.

Adios, David.

[isitjustme]

Thank you David for your reply.  

Well surprise surprise back on meds.  Now time to shop for a psychiatrist... was given 3 recommended by my doctor.  So let the phone calls begin tomorrow.  

My husband is there but not there.  I am not one to keep spelling it out and say hey I am not doing ok today, or, just give me a cuddle.... etc. I shut down and stop saying anything.  Because after 15 yrs of being together and knowing what the other is thinking you would think he would know that I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP or keep repeating myself.  

And yes David I know I can not fix everything but I know that I need a little help to get back in the drivers seat of life. 🙂

[geoff]

dear Isitjustme, depression is an illness, it doesn't mean your broken, maybe damaged or out of line, and the general theory is that if we see a psychiatrist, we call them shrinks, and then referred to as being screwed up, these are just acronyms which people call them.

Your husband is there but it's like you can see straight through him, in other words he's only half there, and this applies to a lot of people who we try and explain our depression to, are they listening to us or does it go in one ear and then out the other, so it doesn't register for them, then we have to keep telling them.

Your comment intrigues me 'it is easier to be that strong person than it is to be the broken', but with depression this seems to be a wish, rather than reality, however we can pretend to be strong, but we aren't. Just thinking aloud. L Geoff. x

[bdihealth]

Hi isitjustme,

Your husband is displaying normal husband behavior.  

At the risk of inflaming you.... if you are "angry at yourself" there is a good chance you are lashing out at those around you.  I have seen the "depression/anger" cycle in some of my friends and it is very destructive to a friendship. 

 If you want your husband to do something then tell him.  Don't expect him to be a mind reader.  Communication is critical.  Tell him how you feel (he can't see inside your head) and what he can do to help.  Be as specific as possible.  As a husband I've had the phrase "just be useful and do something" yelled at me.  That doesn't narrow the parameters of expectation at all and just makes me pissed off.