Relapse in to addictive behaviour

[criss]

Hello, I've had a difficult weekend where I relapsed after a long term recovery of a gambling problem I had developed. Needless to say I felt crushed, ashamed of myself and very isolated as I find it extremely difficult to talk anyone about it and especially as I hide it from my family who aren't much available to me and don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to share this ugly side of me and have struggled with this alone for a long time. I have sought help on gamblers helpline and do the 100day challenge on going as it has been a tremendous support. My issue tonight is; after the initial painful grief of lost money and shame I have pulled myself together and again trying to learn from what went wrong.

My triggers are very much loneliness, stuckness, anger/frustration perhaps at times at not be able to get a grip on how to get passed this stuckness. I do everything I can within the confines of work commitments and life. I try to keep busy, see people, reach out. I don't know how else to think. Last year I came off medication for depression and I was fine. Today I rescripted and started them again because I've noticed my mood drop and sway like it used to. The pressure and stress of trying to control things that are out of my control has been overwhelming.

Okay so I decided to revisit the idea of throwing myself in to work again. I always have but recently I've been trying to relax more and take time out. I'm realising that for people like myself work can be a comfort and a saviour and I want to reassess my perception to this. I'm also starting a class once a week for a couple of months as a distraction and see how I go. Hopefully in a few months I will be back on track with these measures I am putting in place now. Short term goal to lift me up. What do I do about constant anxiety and restlessness when at home..I cant even watch the news any more it's all the same and negative. 

Thanks for listening all. And take care.

[james1]

Hello criss,

I'm sorry to hear this weekend was a tough one, but thank you for sharing. I understand you feel a lot of shame about gambling and really struggled with it alone for a long time. It must've been tough to come and share online, so I wanted to say thank you for opening up with us, and I hope you find it helpful.

I understand from your post that, as hard as the gambling problem is, you're also really finding it hard to deal with loneliness and feeling stuck. Some of the ideas you are trying sound like they're really well thought out ways to try and combat this. Going to work and setting small goals could really help address some of these feelings, and hopefully the medication and seeing people can support you throughout this. 

My own experience with depression was really up and down, but looking back, I can see how each time I felt worse, I could apply more techniques or had a better understanding of what happened. Perhaps that's also what's happening here, so please feel free to post here whenever you want. It's tough to go about things alone, and I wanted to assure you that you're not alone in how you feel.

James

[therising]

Hi criss

To lift yourself up is to raise yourself. Life's definitely tough when we've relied on adults to raise us in a number of ways up to a certain point in time, when we're young, and then it can feel like one day you suddenly find yourself dropped smack bang in the middle of crossroads having to do a lot of it yourself. 'Which direction do I go in? Where am I meant to be heading? How do I recognise the best way forward? Where the heck have my guides gone? When I was younger, everyone told me what I should be doing, where I should be heading' etc etc. It's a tough gig, raising our self and finding direction.

Can relate to what James mentioned about facing depressing periods and how they develop you in certain ways. The desperation and/or determination to raise yourself out of them pushes you to become more conscious of how you tick while finding new strategies for managing who you are and who you're going to become. Would be nice for the heads up, to be told earlier in life something like 'Self development can be an extremely challenging road to navigate. At times it will offer inspiring uplifting revelations filled with varying degrees of enlightenment and at other times it will be downright dark and even soul destroying'. It's the nature of the road. I think, it's typically during the dark times where we forget how far we've actually come. With a little light shed and clear hindsight, it can suddenly appear pretty impressive.

Would be so nice to have someone say on occasion, at intersecting points in our life 'If you take this road, it will lead you in exactly the right direction'.

[Reventon]

Hey Criss,

Thanks for being so open and vulnerable. I don't have a gambling addiction, but I am a poly-drug addict who avoids his awkward feelings by diving into work, so I can relate to a lot of what you've shared. Gambling and the dopamine delivery of random intermittent reward is shockingly similar to cocaine and risky sex on a neurochemical level... but that's a conversation for another day.

I'm working through my sh*t too, so the perspective I'm coming to you with isn't "This is the one source of truth!"

My perspective is more "This is some stuff that's helped me and I hope helps you too." 

One thing I've learned the hard way is that the thing that causes you the most discomfort is often the thing that you will derive the most value from... in this case, just sitting with yourself. No task, no distractions, nada. Some of your language from your post is very similar to my internal monologue when I'm on my own.

Don't get me wrong, healthy relationships are a great thing, so is learning new stuff. But when you're only doing these things as a distraction from how you feel... that isn't healthy. 

Take my advice with a grain of salt. The purpose of exposure is to gradually and in a controlled fashion expose yourself to the thing that stresses you. If the thought of being on your own pushes you to fear of relaspe or leaves you feeling too anxious, then please don't do anything unsafe. If you need a friend to help you by being nearby while you do some soul searching, then organise that by all means. 

But it sounds like the part that you're struggling with right now isn't the helpful strategies... you've hit those on the head. It seems like the real challenge is getting comfortable with and accepting yourself just as you are.