Persistent Depressive Disorder

[Outside observing]

Struggling again. Mostly with fatigue. A few weeks ago it was more the persistent thoughts about dying but now its just - i don't think i belong in this world. I don't have any energy either. I really had to force myself to visit my parents on Christmas day. I ended up being OK, but I had to push everything down. So I'm either surpressing everything or feeling like crap. I really just want to be normal. Just normal. Get up in the morning and be able to just smile and get on with my day. But everything is a drag, a long drawn out drag. I used to take anti-depressants but haven't for several months now. I have seemed like a normal person in the past and was able to fake it, but I've never really been a happy or sociable person. Anyone else here with a persistent depressive disorder? Do I have any hope?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there 

I can definitely relate to the feelings you’ve described, although I have episodic depression. I’m dragging myself through a mega low at the moment and hoping to get to the other side soon. May I ask how long youve been experiencing depression? Do you have good days/periods? I’d like to think there is hope - if you can imagine what it’s like to not feel depression then I’m guessing you’ve experienced it before and can get there again. 

[Outside observing]

I've had depression on and off (more on than off) since I was at least a teenager, probably earlier to be honest. I've had double depression (acute on chronic) about 5 times. I'm 48 years old now, so I've had a bit of experience of it. I know when things are really bad, as opposed to being merely grey. I am in the dark grey at the moment. Not fully black. When I am like this I tend to not do the work I need to do which increases the risk of slipping into the black. So writing here is part of the work.

[sbella02]

Outside observing,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I hear you, particularly the part about having no energy, as you've expressed it. Recognising how you're feeling is an important step in the process of healing, and I'm proud of you for having the courage to acknowledge what you're feeling and share it on the forums with us.

Firstly, Lifeline is an incredible resource if you're struggling with particularly invasive negative thoughts, and you can reach them on 13 11 14. Likewise, our own Beyond Blue site has a 24/7 online service to point you in the right direction for receiving further help:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor

Healing is a journey, and it's certainly not a linear one. There will be some times that feel better than others, and sometimes the worse periods last for longer than we anticipate. It's okay not to feel happy all the time, that's very normal. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions as they come to you is also important, no matter how uncomfortable they may be. I've found that having a journal to keep track of my low moments can help me better understand my feelings and thus pinpoint how I can overcome them where necessary.

Have you had the chance to chat to your GP or a psychologist recently about how you're feeling? It may be therapeutic to chat to somebody about how you're feeling, that's what I've often found can be beneficial in therapy.

Interacting with others is difficult enough on its own, let alone if you're struggling with something internally. As somebody who is often quite self-deprecating and cycles in and out of low self-esteem, I've often been told to remember to be kind to myself, and speak with yourself as if you're talking to a loved one. As humans, we tend to be super critical of ourselves, and it can be difficult to remember that we require the same love and nurturing as anybody else we may encounter.

I hope you can find something within this advice that resonates with you. Take care, and feel free to continue talking with us. You're not alone, and we're here to support you on your healing journey.

All the best, SB

[Outside observing]

Hey Sbella,

thanks for the support.  

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are experiencing a tough time with depression, that would be difficult. Why did you stop taking your meds? Was that to do with side effects?

I know it can be hard to pull yourself up when you are in the thick of depression, but a certain degree of motivation to ask for help is needed. Do you have a mental health professional you could talk to about this? Could you talk to your parents or family too? I am sure they think you belong here.

There is definitely hope! Keep your head up, you will overcome this, trust me! You need to ask for help - no one is expecting you to do this alone but yourself.

I hope things improve soon,

Jaz xx

[Outside observing]

I ask for help but everyone underestimates just how much pain I'm in. I just manage to have a shower everyday. I have no idea why my partner is still with me. I just want to not exist. I just want to disappear.

[therising]

Hi Outside observing

A depression's such a brutal thing, especially when filled with greys and blacks and little to no light. I feel so deeply for you as you face such a painful torturous longing to feel the light moments.

I've faced both long term depression from late teens to 35 (managing the greys and blacks) and periods from 35 through to currently at 52. In hindsight, there's always been good reason for each depression. What they all had in common involves my ability to feel what's naturally depressing.

From my experience, what's naturally depressing is not being able to experience relief, joy, peace etc for years on end. The way this wears you down over time is deeply depressing. It creates a sense of desperation, despair and exhaustion that's indescribable. A depressing level of sleep apnea and B12 deficiency is depressing. The way they start to alter quality of life and internal dialogue is brutal. Also found the following depressing: A marriage where your partner doesn't care to make much of an effort, miscarriages and being told by people 'You should be over it by now', being left alone to work things out, no one caring to feel how you feel, self medicating with alcohol, being shut down and put down, the news, a depressing lack of direction and self esteem, depressing self limiting social beliefs etc.Took me decades to finally work out I have the ability to feel what's naturally depressing. I can feel the grief that comes with my dad's worsening dementia and I'll feel when he dies. I'll deeply feel when my mum passes, as she's one of my closes friends. I'll continue to feel because it's in my nature. I'm a feeler.

Depression's turned me into a detective. While I was always led to believe low energy levels are simply a part of depression, I've come see low energy levels as being a telling sign instead. Whether they're the signature of some chemical deficiency, a toxic environment (including people in it), depressing beliefs/mental programs that have become impossible to live with, a soul destroying lack of inspiration, a serious lack of energy input or grief, each one has a signature/feel to it that's telling. The challenge is to find out what the feeling's telling me. To do this, I have to gain a greater sense of what I'm feeling. Suppression's not good for detective work.

[Outside observing]

I think I know what is causing it, though. And there's not much I can control about not being able to have kids, or my parents being old and failing to acknowledge any of their shortcomings. I have work to do on the weekend. I don't want to do it, because I don't want to be criticised, but if I don't do it then I will be criticised more. I guess I will have a shower and do some work. I resent that this is my life. I resent that no-one cares. I am a resentful person I guess. And not likeable. Deserve my fate. If I was a peppy positive person then I wouldn't be like this. I am not. And I actively dislike peppy positive people. They make me think of robots. I wish they could feel the way I do, to be honest. Actually, no, nobody deserves to feel that way. Except for me. I am most comfortable hating myself and wanting to die I suppose. Why would anyone want to help me? They certainly don't help. No one wants to help me. I guess I'm not easy to help.

I used to take anti depressants and operated like a smooth machine and survived. But they took away my sex drive and they took away emotional authenticity. Maybe the best I can hope for is to be like a machine, be a good girl and do my work and get the occasional crumb of human acquaintanceship. Nothing too deep, mind you. Nothing satisfying to the soul. Nothing that you would really want. What really is the point of that? What is the point of living like that? At least there is authenticity in my depression and self-flagellation.

[therising]

Hi Outside observing

I believe all parents should become conscious enough to respectfully apologise at some point. I've apologised to both my kids (20yo gal and 17yo guy). I've told them most of their perceived 'faults' are either my faults, their father's or faults we inherited from the generations that came before us. A couple, 'Just do as you're told' and 'Don't challenge me'. I'll rephrase, 'Behave mindlessly as we condition you to never question' and 'Never challenge people in your search for reasoning. Never push them to open their mind'. My husband refuses to find fault in himself as a parent.

Some folk are definitely triggering. While I still struggle with criticism to some degree, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I gradually learned to read the nature of the critic, as opposed to feeling too much of what they say. If someone was to say 'You're hopeless. You're so stupid', I'd wonder 'Who in their right mind would say such a thoughtless thing? Aha! A thoughtless person'. If I wish, I can ask them if it's in their nature to be so thoughtless. Who would say 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up'? An insensitive person. Up to me if I want to ask them what led to them to become so insensitive. Funny, while a person can dish out this advice, watch them become highly sensitive when you seriously challenge them. Perhaps they should 'toughen up'😁. If it wasn't for our sensitivity, we wouldn't be able to feel the impact of thoughtless insensitive people. We wouldn't know who we're talking to.

Always felt a strange kind of comfort in depression unless it was of a pitch black kind. Never knew what that comfort was 'til recently. I was feeling life the way I was meant to be feeling it. I was feeling the true nature of challenging, degrading depressing people. So, I was feeling 'correctly'. There was nothing wrong with me. The real problem was I never challenged them until my inner intolerant cow came to life and the people pleaser in me was led to take more of a back seat. My inner cow's a feisty one.