Today I awoke feeling exhausted again for no reason. This is a familiar feeling, only it has worsened again over the past few months. I know this way of life, I have battled and thought I had won... but it seems that the feeling of rapid heartbeat and quick anger can never truly be forgotten. A simple morning as many other before, my loving partner holding me, the kids being kids as they argue about nothing every morning.
Then there is me, swirling and churning inside my head. A thousand thoughts colliding and rebounding off one another. I can't hear anything and it feels like I am falling...
Yes, I remember this daemon. I remember it well.
For years I tried to blast it away, drinking and smoking until sleep finally took me. Then I got clean. Clear, calm and collected. Relaxed.
Today, for the first time in a long time. Today I feel it on my back again. Crushing the life from me. Was it ever truly gone? How can it be back?
As I look into the loving eyes of my partner, she is always there. Ready to catch me, but how do I tell her about this infection? This metaphorical cancerous entity that has one hand around my heart and whispers destitute into my ears? How do I tell her that I feel this way? Why do I feel this way???
Life is good to me, I work full time, have a partner who loves me and kids that see me as a role model. My family is great. We have always had a roof over our heads and never missed a meal... but this pressure on my head is killing me. I can't go through this again and I do not wish to put them through it either... Emotions never were my strong point, but I feel great love and appreciation for them. Losing them would be like losing my own soul.
If I knew how to ask for help normally, I would. I have tried the tablets, but they fixed nothing. I have tried counselling, again they fixed nothing. This has been fluctuating on and off for the best part of 20 years, I can't go through this again.
