Reflecting on my Depression and what it did to me

[Beetle]

HI all

Im still a new bee but i found this forum very very helpful and have posted some threats already and replied to some. I was diagnosed last week with severe depression,anxiety and stress. now the meds really kick in and they blow my mind.

I would like to share my experience with them since ive never been on meds. I am on a strong brand new SNRI which is also used as a pain killer.I expereince sideeffects and they are unpleasant. But they finaly took away my suicidal thoughts, the constant worry, my constant stressing about things. I feel on them like i am in a warm fuzzy relaxing oasis. I am so glad that i finaly gave in to accept help. I dont know about you all, how you go with your meds, if they help you or not and give u side effects. I expected nothing and got what i wished for: relief from my busy brain.I feel like my mind opened and I can see the kindness and support and care other poeple offer me. I can see now 3D wheras i feel before I looked at everyhting in 2D.Its like someone took away a glaswall around me and allowed me to live.

Even if this drug is toxic to your liver makes you dizzy and nauseated, i rather put up with that than havinmg to live in a fishbowel being disconected and isolated from everything.I feel the disease had taken away the real me, and killed of the kind sensible caring person i once was.Today I realised what a stress head i must have been. I stressed about everything. I worried that it may rain if the washing is on the line,i worried about using too many gigabites and blow out my telstra bill, i worried about not getting a job , not being able to sleep if i have a coffee at 16.00 or that i fail an assignemnt which I havent even written.I also made an elepahnt out of nothing. I could fly off the handle for little stupid things. I broke out in tears if the coffee tin was empty and became suicidal if i got a big bill. At the end I was really bad and was speeding.bad speeding. I feel I would have killed myself or others within the next 4 weeks if I would't have gotten those drugs.Before I agreed to them i went to councelling, i walked every day, ate healthy and tried to talk things through with friends. But all those measures seemed not to do anything. I wonder now if I am one of those people were therapy just doesnt work because the basics, the chemicals were never right in my brain. I dont want o use that an excuse, but as long as i can remember I was different, anxious, sad and preoccupied with the 'what if" question and OMG drama.

How are you all going? have people have simiar expereinces.?

[Chris_B]

Hi Beetle,

I've found that medication and therapy together have worked well for me.  Medication 'calms the waters' and gives me a good sense of perspective, and then therapy gives me the tools to cope with the kinds of things you describe above: complete over-reaction to there being no coffee for example! 

I've been taking medication for quite a while now, and I can still remember the huge difference I felt at the start.  It was quite a shock for me, because I felt 'normal' in a way I hadn't felt for a good few years before that.  It was a realisation that I had been depressed for much longer than I'd realised before I'd finally sought help.

These days, my psychologist is probably my biggest help because I'm learning new things and how to break negative thought patterns that have been going on for years.  The meds just go on doing their work in the background, keeping the ship on a (mostly) even keel.

best
CB

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Online Community Manager

[Beetle]

HI Christopher

Oh thanks for your reply.:) Its good to know how other people react to meds and if they too have this 'aha' effect when taking drugs. Like you i also realised now after suffering so long that i must have been depressed a loooooong time. Even though i say i strugggled for three years, thats when it got really bad and the suicidal thoughts crept up.every month a bit more and stronger. Even though I was so reluctant to take drugs I am relieved now that i finaly caved in and started them. I feel now that they may become my best friend, like you said to enable me to do propper therapy without completly losing the plot.So I talked to a councillour today and have an appointment next week.My uni councillour was the best one and I would say she saved my life by pushing me to see the GP ( i now it sounds cheesy saying someone saved ur life..but .....)I hope other people share their expereince too which i feel is very helpful.

Beetle

[MaryG]

Hi Beetle, I'm glad you are finally getting some relief. I too have just started on a type of SNRI meds. I have never taken any before either. I am only 2 days in and other than a little nausea and an occasional feeling like I'm a bit distant and maybe a little "high" I haven't seen any real change. It is too early I suppose as I hear it takes a while to really work. I am very agitated and I thought it was anxiety before, but now its almost like over excitement on the edge of panic. I hope this will pass soon...I felt like this just before taking the drugs.

I am seeing a psychologist and my GP says that the drugs will help with that process too. My last three or so years have been when I have most been aware of my depression, but like you I suspect it has been there for most of my life. I just didn't have a label for it and it didn't debilitate me to the extent it has in recent times. Just finally getting help and surrendering to letting people help me has been the best decision I have made for a while. Hope you keep getting better and I'd be interested to hear more about how you go with the drugs. 

Mary 🙂

[Super_Nurse]

Hi Beetle.

Where you describe over reacting to small stresses (no coffee for example) That's me!  My Son (6) and I use this term loosely 'stresses me out' But this last week I've really started thinking more about my reactions to his actions and whether or not they're justified.  And, dare I say it, most of the time they're not. I stress about whether or not my washing will get wet too.  And I remember when I was postnatally depressed (vaguely, it's all a bit hazey now) that I wouldn't leave the house unless my baby was asleep because 'what if' he woke up and cried, and people would judge me as a bad Mother because my baby was crying.  If he woke up while we were out, I'd dash home just in case.

I've suffered depression before.  And this past week I've felt a few of the 'symptoms' creep up on me.  So today I took a day off of work, went to the GP and went 'right, I never want to be that unwell ever again, lets nip it in the  Because I have a greater awareness of myself now, and coupled with working in the medical profession, I know what to look for.  I've been on medications before, and the two I have tried previously were not my thing, at all.  Sure, they helped me not 'lose my s**t' quite so much over little stuff, but they also made me feel numb.  I couldn't feel happy either!  Sure I wasn't feeling sad, but I wasn't feeling anything!  And I didn't like that.  I'm sure there's a medication out there that's right for me, and I'm determined to find it, if that's what I need.

That's been my experience with over reacting to situations, worrying unnecessarily about 'stuff' and medications.  Hope this helps.  And good luck to you 🙂