Recently Diagnosed

mumunknown · ‎17-09-2014

Hello- I probably wont sound any different to every other new person that comes on to Beyond Blue, but I will share my little bit as well... I am a young mother & wife. Yesterday, I was diagnosed with high to extreme depression & high stress levels. Ive known for years about my depression (well before my children) but I thought it would go away. I am an adolescent victim of sexual & physical abuse. I "fixed" it by suppressing as many bad memories as I possibly could. But, in each year that I get older, I find myself more withdrawn, negative & generally unwell. Ive had my fair share of mental breakdowns in the last few months; unexplained crying, paranoia, angry outbursts, unable to sleep-yet extremely tired, irritable etc But a few recent turn of events pushed me to finally see a GP yesterday & finally get the help that I know I need!! On the 8th of this month, a family member of mine comitted suicide. While we didnt have a relationship as such, his choice stuck in my mind. It really got me thinking... not that I wanted to harm myself but about all those times when ive just wanted to be "gone". I sat with my husband & I asked him in all seriousness 'Is there something wrong with me?' He couldnt answer me with a straight yes or no, instead, he could only give me examples of my behaviour & our conversations (aka my rants) & left me to make up my own mind. I cried & cried listening to just how much & how often I made him & our children feel worthless. I began recalling situations with them all where I knew I upset them & I couldnt explain why I did? Or how my words were someone elses fault. Full of self hatred & confusion, I did what so many of us do & I started googling. I was led to many different questionaires to check for different mental health issues. EVERYTHING kept telling me I have bipolar. This seriously scares the hell out of me as there is history of manic depression on one side of the family & schizophrenia & bipolar on the other. Monday, I woke up & lived out my day in denial like I did for sooo many years-nope-nothing is wrong, im "normal" im just doing my usual, over thinking things... then I woke up in tears yesterday uncontrollably. My husband & babies standing there speechless- watching me sob - with No explanation- I knew I had to do something about this Now! It was really hard to confront this illness after concealing it for years, but I am determined to conquer it & get better to be the very Best wife & Mum I can be!!

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Doolhof · ‎17-09-2014

Dear Mumunknown,

Hi and welcome to Beyond Blue. From what you have written, you are in a really tough place right now, but you have the opportunity to show how strong and courageous you can be. You wrote that you have been to see a Doctor. I am notr sure what the Dr has suggested to you. Have you been told you can request a Mental Health care plan be done by your Doctor and this will entitle you to 10 free visits with a psychologist.

This will help in the ;long run, but I am also thinking that you really need the help now. Is it possible for you to return to the Dr and ask if he can recommend you go to hospital for a few days to get some rest. Maybe even go to your local hospital and tell them you need some help desperately with your mental health.

Sometimes looking up "Dr. Google" as I call it can be a great benefit, other times the information we find and read can mess even more with our heads. I suggest you take the information you found and take it to your Doctor telling him or her of your thoughts and fears.

As Beyond Blue has mentioned to you, there are people available at the other end of the phone to help you.

I'd also like to recommend to you, that if you feel like you are having a real melt down and if you have ambulance cover, ask your husband to call the ambulance, or ask him to take you to the hospital. You may think you can't just go off to hospital and leave the family, but it might just be the best thing you can do for yourself and for them as well.

Unfortunately as far as supporting and helping you goes, I am going to be away from the computer for a couple of weeks. I don't want to leave you in the lurch so to speak when you have reached out for assistance. I hope others will answer you as well and come up with other advice and suggestions. I highly recommend you return to your Dr and if that one didn't help you, then go to another Dr.

Please get the help you need, for you and for your family. I am concerned for you and hope you get the help you need quickly. Thinking of you, from Dools.

white knight · ‎17-09-2014

Hi mumunknown, welcome

Doolhof has highlighted some very good points there.

If you have the faith and the persistence I think life will be better for you in the medium term future. Having any mental illness is a matter of a/ accepting you have one b/ seeking the appropriate treatment including medication and allowing time for that medication to work c/ Getting dosage of the medication correct and any ongoing treatment required.

Once you get going on this you will turn a corner and you will begin to live again and your children will one day thank you, by their comments of how "you used to be".

Some of us here on BB forums have lived with doubt, with the endless doctors visits, therapy, reading articles on the www, had broken relationships and endured the brink where no human should be. Yet, we are here listening to sad souls like yourself and we wonder how we can convince you to take the path we have walked. WE KNOW the likely outcome if you take that path. And by guiding you we also know the domino effect will take place whereby your loved ones will benefit.

Sure, you will always be standing in view of the cliff face you crept up to. But you will more than likely know your limits better and stand further away, that the cliff edge will merely be a reminder of where you were, not where you will go to again.

And I too had a brother and an uncle that took their own lives but there are circumstances that was different than mine. That was them. This is you. It should make you more determined to succeed.

Do me a favour and read as many threads on here as possible. Be as positive as you can realistically be. And focus on the end goal- that being, that one day you'll take your children to the local park, grab their little hands...and run with them into the sunlight...........and you'll hear them laughing aloud.

Hope you keep us in touch. Take care. We are listening

mumunknown · ‎18-09-2014

Thank you for your reply. Next month I have my first psychologists appt and I've started cymbal ya yesterday. Strangely enough, even though this is only day 2 of medication, this has been the first day in such a long time that I can honestly say I don't feel angered. I'm quite fortunate that I have an understanding manager at work and we have organised for time off so plenty of relaxation over here!

i know that my cousins situations are different but his actions made me realise that this illness doesn't just disappear, it needs treatment.

My little family and I are a great and supportive unit so I do know that I am going to be ok, in time 🙂

i will ill take your advice and have a read through many if the other topics here in the forums. I did that a little today and while this may sound a little bit like a saddest... It was kind of relieving to know that people have it as tough- or even tougher- than me. I don't find joy in that at all, so please no one think that, it's just good to know that other people deal with these things too. You get use to isolating yourself or hiding your true self worried about other judgements. In saying that, I think I am my own worst enemy because I place the most judgement upon myself. Hmmm 😕

anyway, thanks for writing me back, and I shall certainly keep in touch

white knight · ‎18-09-2014

Hi again mumunknown,

And dont forget- there are actually some benefits for being mentally unwell. We are commonly creative, artistic, quirky etc.

So many famous people have had mental illness.

It can be costly too. eg I used to fly model aircraft. But, being quirky and inventive I wouldnt fly the stock type. I had to invent my own designs. Like re-inventing the wheel it didnt work. About 40 planes later I got the message to go with the proven designs...but it was soooo boring lol.

Yes, reading some threads here gets things into perspective. Dont be too hard on yourself. It isnt your fault and its a hurdle you just have to manage.

take care mumunknown

Bluedaze · ‎18-09-2014

white knight said:
And dont forget- there are actually some benefits for being mentally unwell. We are commonly creative, artistic, quirky etc.

OMG!

That IS me also

I've been creative, artistic and quirky all my life.

Creative so I can escape from life. Artistic so I can mash over reality.

I CAN NOT! leave anything standard, I always must modify everything, to make it perform better.

I'm allot like the great Robbin Williams and Benny Hill, spontaneous, crazy while crying on the inside. A man in a mask, a mask in a man.

Hang in there mumunknown, there must be a path for you somewhere, you just have to find it, love your nick also, so creative. 😉

Doolhof · ‎18-09-2014

Hi Mumunknown,

White Knight has certainly given you and even myself some different things to think about. This certainly is a great place to share your own story, read about how others are struggling and also how they cope with their illness, and also to be able to give back to the communit here by offering advice, encouragement, hope and dignity to those who are suffering.

I am so happy to read that already you are feeling a little brighter and yo do realise how wonderful your family is. I wish you all the best on your journey. Look forward to the future, try new activities and check out your creative side as has been suggested here.

Thinking of you, from Dools.

Snoman · ‎18-09-2014

Hi Mumunknown,

You seem to have such a great attitude and a great goal: "to be the very Best wife & Mum I can be". Accepting that this won't go away on its own is a huge and valuable first step. Props to you for that.

I am like the dad version, but older. My kids have had a tough time with a grumpy dad, but that has changed as I have been getting better. My wife has struggled too. She has anxiety, so appreciates how mental illness can be so debilitating. Even still, she has struggled with me at times.

Can I suggest that while you are learning more about how your mental health affects you and get ideas on how to cope, manage and recover, you also help your husband. He probably has no idea what you are going through, what to expect, and importantly, how to help.

There is some great info available on this web site for our carers. Go to the top of this page, under Resources, follow to Family and Friends. I found it helpful to read that stuff too so I could better understand what my wife was struggling with. Beyondblue will even post you all this material for FREE in booklet form.

Your husband and kids are lucky to have you! 🙂

Snoman

mumunknown · ‎18-09-2014

Thank you again! Its funny you should say that; Im a photographer. I recently delted my website though as alot of my work was being taken and used in sites like Pinterest and copyrights dont stand a chance.

mumunknown · ‎18-09-2014

Thank you Snoman for your words. Im fortunate that my husband has some idea of how i am feeling. He too has felt the hand of depression and anxiety. He is quite fortunate that it no longer has a tight hold of him, and hasnt required any medicinal support or psychology for well over a year now. Approximately 5 years ago, i spent my days trying to encourage him to get out of bed and spend time with his family. He had injured himself during work, was bullied in the work place and as a result of all these things- had no job and lost his livelihood. I know that if it werent for our love and patience, he wouldnt have pulled through. He is helping me with my physical activities, training me with light cardio etc and change of diet. I have found things like guided meditation to help me relax at night time - or anytime of the day really, and I have started to purchase some things to get me excited about using my camera again.

Im considering keeping a small journal just to document my feelings? Ive never done that before, and im wondering if it will aide me with my memory as well, this illness has made me incredibly forgetful 😕

Thank you for sharing a little of your own experiences with me, I hope you, your ife and your children find your eternal true happiness you all deserve.