Rebelling against life

[Dana90]

4 hours ago

I am really struggling again . It was a very bad year last year where I seriously thought of taking my life . There is so much shame for me to not be ok . It’s like another failure . I have had depression my whole life off and on . I can be doing great and then suddenly fall into a very dark whole . It only lasts a couple of days but feels like a lot longer . So I am ok and then I am intensely not ok. It’s within that space that it is really scary.
I am very tired of this pattern year after year .I am 53 and have been holding on a long time . I have been to psychologists , meditations and psychiatrists but this darkness always returns . It feels like I have no control when I comes back . I have to say I am very depressed by the world I live in . Especially by the widespread cruelty to other animals. It’s too much to bear knowing what I know about this subject let alone everything else that is going on . I really don’t know how most people can be ok ? I guess I am too sensitive for this world . I wish I was ignorant. 

[therising]

Hi Dana90

I imagine you've always been a deeply feeling person, given how long you've been struggling. Being a 52yo gal, I wish someone had have said to me decades ago something along the lines of 'You will live your life with the ability to feel so deeply and so easily and you'll need to know how to manage that'. Then maybe after that they'd have given me lessons, strategies and skills when it comes to this ability. The way it tends to actually go, in reality, is...suppress, ignore, face confusion, depression, anxiety etc, when it comes to trying to feel our way through life. Putting it mildly, it's bl***y horrible, not knowing how to feel, not knowing how to use such sensitivity to our advantage.

I think, when it comes to feeling our way through life, would be handy to know how to switch our feelings off when we need to (not feeling the degrading words of others, even in the slightest), how to turn the volume down on a feeling, how to balance feeling with analysis so that we can easily analyse our feelings in favour of greater self understanding, how to feel more or turn the volume up, how to get a sense of whether we're feeling physical side effects, psychological ones or even soulful or soul destroying ones or all of them at once. Even figuring out if what your sensing are your own feelings or they belong to someone else is a skill. Kind of like getting a sense of someone else's heartache. Feeling their heartache is was connects us to them in such a compassionate and loving way. Feeling a love for many forms of life, including the life of an animal, comes with its challenges for it is said that the true extent of our love for someone or something can be reflected in our sufferance at times.

The world is truly blessed to have you in it, someone so beautiful and so sensitive. Could you imagine a world where everyone was insensitive. What a terrible world that would be.

You are a gift. You have a gift ❤️

Btw, if you're a bit of a reader, a good read is 'Sensitive Is The New Strong', by Anita Moorjani.

[Dana90]

Thank you therising for your kind words. It’s true what you are saying , one does need a lot of self awareness to navigate when one is such a feeling person . There is the thinking that we should not get attached or ( not even give them much attention ) because we are ultimately not our feelings..which has some merit too . What do you think ? I sometimes feel certain though there is truth to be found in our feelings . I do my best to be wise but I am not at home in this world and doubt I will ever be . I want to use my time wisely though .
Thank you for referring that book I will look into it . ❤️

[therising]

Hi Dana

I find feelings to be so incredibly telling, which is one of the reasons I've come to trust them over time, as opposed to trying to ignore them or suppress them. There is a truth to be found in our feelings, I completely agree. What that truth or revelation is can be so hard to work out at times.

Personally, I'm a major 'cycler'. If you can imagine a clock face

• At 12, I'm all good. Life is good and even great at times
• Quarter past rolls around and I can feel myself becoming down while a period of self questioning begins. 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?' etc etc
• By half past I can be deeply depressed and still questioning. The internal dialogue takes a dark turn and I become convinced there's no way out of it
• Somewhere between half past and quarter to, I can become resentful of others in my life, intolerant and angry. The anger's not big but it's definitely there. Whether it's directed toward myself, others or both, I can feel it. As the questioning ramps up (which now includes questioning the nature of those around me and not just myself), I tend to become somewhat reclusive while going deeper inwards
• At quarter to, I hit on a major revelation that is typically mind altering in some way. The revelation leads me to understand myself and others better. Life begins to improve and
• by 12, I'm back to where I started

It's an interesting cycle for I've found I don't simply go 'round and 'round through depressing or potentially depressing challenges. As I go around, I'm also cycling or graduating up at the same time, through the process of greater understanding. So, you could say the cyclic nature of challenge raises us. It gradually 'wakes us up(wards)'. Being stuck between half past and quarter to can feel like hell on earth. While these days I can make it through a challenge cycle faster, at one point I was stuck in the most depressing part of the cycle from my late teens through to 35. My mind altering revelation took more than a decade to finally come to me in that case.

I've found it makes a major difference to have someone in my life who's a 'fast tracker'. Instead of being stuck in trying to make better sense of a challenge, a fast tracker can help us make sense of it much faster. A fast tracker can come in the form of a psychologist, a counselor, an intuitive friend (who can get a feel for what our challenge is really about) and so on.

[Dana90]

Wow!! Thank you the rising . I am glad to hear your take on feelings .  I also appreciate how you have described the progression of the journey you are on .. furthermore  it’s hopeful as it’s not simply a repetition for you but with the understanding it becomes so much more . 

I can relate to the shift in emotional states with time . Its interesting the thing of time as when I am in a depression, I can really get stuck in a moment and time brakes . 
Self awareness is so important ( which you have a lot of )and having that relationship with yourself where you can really listen to yourself is vital . I should be more mindful to this .

I don’t have a ‘ fast tracker’  in my life but would like one . I am tired of being an unhappy person and I really want to experience joy . 
I really need to make some big progress as I am very tired of not ‘ getting it ‘ by that I mean not understanding life or myself enough to experience lighter joyful states of being …

Thank you for taking the time to share your journey with me . ❤️

[therising]

Hi Dana

It's a strange yet simple thought 'I don't know how to live'. If a happy person says it, it's seen as a perhaps a philosophical statement worth some thought but if someone in a depression says it everyone gets incredibly worried (understandably, btw). It remains a valid statement, either way. How do we do what we've never been taught to do - live with, through and beyond the circumstances we face? How do we live when no one's shown us how to do it? I suppose this is where the world of self help books comes in (little manuals on how to do it) or the world of YouTubers who've got some of it figured out (based on their experience) or the world of physicians, psychologists or spiritualists. With the opportunity to gain snippets of information on 'how to live', it kind of feels like a puzzle slowly (very slowly) coming together. We don't have to accept everything we read or hear, we just have to find the pieces that serve us.

Yesterday, I was led to think of a quote I'd once heard: 'Lose your mind and come to your senses'. What led me to recall this quote involved a mother's day gift from my daughter. She'd bought me chocolates and a reed diffuser. She'd chosen the diffuser very carefully, getting a feel for a scent I'd find joyful. She's got great senses. When I opened that bottle and closed my eyes, I felt a sense of sweetness, happiness and peace. I lost my thinking mind and came to my senses - my sense of smell and the ability to sense or feel whatever emotion moved through me. Based on the fact I've felt moments of sweetness, happiness and peace in my life, I knew those emotions and how they felt and there they all were, combined in a bottle, in a loving gift so carefully considered. When my daughter gave me that gift, I felt her loving me.

It's so hard, in a depression, to sense anything other than our hardship, desperation and sadness. To sense beyond such things can be so challenging. To come to our senses becomes a skill.

[Dana90]

Hi The rising ,

Apologies I only just saw your post . Thank you again for writing . I relate to the question of how to live your life , I have often thought that I don’t really know and like you said we are not taught nor was it ever discussed how to live a good life . But now I am reminded that I have some idea finally as I am reminded of what matters to me and one of the important things is helping animals . I remember how good I felt when I got a dog that was living in a small cage out or the staving one I found a new life for. Those moments feel live a glimpse into how to live my life that gives back to me as well as making a difference to those souls . I will do more of that because I feel so much of my life has not been lived I have only been filling in time . 
It resonates with me your beautiful story of your mothers days gift . It’s true we all live too much in our heads and because of that we can miss so much . So glad you had that lovely experience. 
I find that so much is transient in life . People come and go even love  in family relationships fade . I think that if we did live our lives more consciously connected perhaps with a different focus then the love that we are capable of giving and receiving would stay strong …then there wouldn’t be so much loneliness and that dreaded feeling of BEING so alone . 

[therising]

Hi Dana90

I think a lot of people find their purpose through what brings them joy. You can feel a calling and when you answer that call there's a sense of connection and satisfaction. Animals are so blessed when someone finds their purpose in service to them. You have a beautiful soul.

I really get that 'filling in time' factor. While it's the nature of life to wait for things (people, experience, appointments etc), I never knew how depressing waiting could become 'til I felt it at that level. I had no idea there was such a thing as a depressing level of waiting, something I'd woken up to within the last couple of years. It can feel like passing the time on occasion, until something amazing or life changing happens. Waiting and hoping for something great to happen can be so time consuming and it can feel empty in a way.  It was thanks to Tony (White Knight), one of the regulars on the forums, that I was led to better understand the impact of waiting. On the other hand action is a powerful thing. Waiting doesn't seem anywhere near as powerful. I'm glad you're not going to wait to serve more animals. I'm so glad you're going to act on your desire when it comes to making it your reality. Strange to think how our reality can shift so much through our actions. Yesterday our reality may have been 'I am someone who waits', today it is 'I am someone who takes action and serves (others and/or self) with a happy heart'.

Perhaps it's our overall quest, to become more consciously connected. With so much to learn it becomes the journey of a lifetime 🙂

[Dana90]

Hi Therising, 

Again very wise words from you . Thanks 

Yes it is important not to spend your life waiting and just decide make a right time for action. 
I feel that when I was a child and young in general I felt very connected to everything and perhaps saw things with more clarity. 
Our conscious minds and experiences in the world for me has been a detriment thing . I think I was in touch with something very valuable when I was young when my heart was fully open . But maybe that’s the cycle of life and maybe by the time we are old we can become again what we once were ?