Reaching Out...

[dwilli10]

Hi,

My name is David. I’m 33 years old. Married. Two kids. I’ve been living with depression for nearly 10 years now.

I tried to write why I’m depressed for this forum. I read it and I laughed. Then I thought, what’s wrong with me?! On the surface I should be happy. My kids are healthy. My wife loves me. So why do I hate them so much? Why do I do this to myself? I can’t stomach own reflection most days. I see my family as burden sucking the life out of me. I’m constantly thinking about all the things I’ve never done in life: a youth squandered, a tonne of regrets, no fulfilment. I have very few friends who I rarely see. I have interests but I don’t have the freedom to pursue them. I feel trapped in my own existence, walled within commitments and responsibilities.

People say to me, “the grass is always greener…” or that “things could be worse”. Sometimes I think they’re right. But then it’s back to the drudgery of work and home, work and home. I get nothing out of it – no pleasure whatsoever. I’m reasonably healthy, I don’t take drugs or smoke. I wish I had an alcohol problem sometimes. I wish I had a specific problem to pinpoint all this on. But I don’t.

It’s a bit like purgatory – that middle ground where it’s not quite Hell but sure ain’t Heaven. You go for months not being noticed. An insignificant spec whose very existence doesn’t matter. You want things to be better, but you should be grateful that they’re not worse.

So if that’s the case then why do I always feel like this? Why do I feel so lonely? Like no one understands me. I’m only here to prop up others. Drowning while everyone around me breaths easy. It’s like the whole world is in on some secret to living life that I’m not privy to. I feel like such a loser. A failure. I could’ve done more but didn’t and can’t.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting here. Maybe I just need to vent, or find someone to talk to - the people near to me are sick of hearing me bitch about the same things. Hell, even I'm sick of myself. 

I'm just so tired of being me.

[DonnaM]

Hi David,

The reason you feel that way is almost certainly depression. It's a great thing that you came to the forum and posted your story. Depression, and any mental illness, is a difficult thing to deal with for anyone, but there's that extra thing for guys to deal with, how you're supposed to just tough things out and blah blah blah. I say screw that. You're a human being, you have feelings just like everyone else and you should feel able to talk about them when you need to.

I understand your post perfectly. I'm 38 in a few days and have been dealing with depression on and off since I was first diagnosed at age 14. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after the birth of our daughter in 2002, bordering on psychosis, and further diagnosed as bipolar in 2008. I also have anxiety issues, panic attack issues, and a range of other fun stuff. I'm telling you this so you understand that I know what you're saying, what you're feeling.

You didn't mention in your post that you've been officially diagnosed, but you're obviously pretty sure of what's going on because you ended up here asking for help. So, the first thing you need to do is go to your doctor. Make a long appointment so you can have a proper discussion about what's going on. There is a hell of a lot of help available out there, I promise you, you just have to ask for it.

Please be aware that treatment can be a slow process, but it's a worthwhile one. It took me about 10 years to find a medication that was compatible with me. Some people hit the jackpot first time round, others aren't so lucky. Seriously consider seeing a psychologist. Being able to dump all your crap on someone once a week, someone who won't judge you or criticise you, who understands where you're coming from and why you are the way you are, is fantastic.

Tell the people around you what you're doing to help yourself. Ask for their support. If they won't give it, they're not your friends anyway and you're better off without them in your life. That whole 'fair weather friend' thing, you know? The people who truly care about you will stick by you, and bugger the rest of them.

Please don't be ashamed at the prospect of being diagnosed with a mental illness. As I said in my own post about the problem I'm having at the moment, being ashamed of a mental illness is like being ashamed of having a broken leg. Depression is not a sign of weakness of character, it is not an excuse you're making up to be lazy or withdrawn, it doesn't mean you're any less of a man or a person, and anybody who says different needs to be shown the door. Depression is a chemical imbalance in your body, in your brain. It can occur for many, many reasons, as many reasons as there are people with the problem, but it is a measurable, quantifiable thing. It is real, and it can be dealt with.

Be proud that you had the balls to come here and say you have a problem, and consider this the kick up the bum you need to go out there and damned well do something about it. You deserve to be happy, and your family deserves to have you back. 

[vip]

Hi dwilli there are no losers on this forum and your not one either. It takes guts to write down how you feel on this forum and in my eyes you are a winner for doing this. I am pretty much like you i have suffered depression for 22 yrs same thing people always say but why you are pretty you are smart you have everything ect ect. Same thing i really dont know why either????  Anyway all i can say is keep talking to a psych and try and figure it out with them why is actually causing it and i hope you are on medication ect. I am off my medication now and actually have just finished with my psych he said i have good coping techniques now. Look i have joined a gym and i volunteer heaps and i really try to keep busy to keep me posative and do things like shopping sprees maybe you can join a club or doing something for yourself go on a holiday to put that spark back in your life. I totally get you though its hard for family members to understand this thats why i talk it through with the professional people. Friends can be great at times but sometimes they dont reall get it 100% . I hope i have made you feel like your not alone here and im sure lots of people will respond to you here in the same situation. Good luck and i hope things start to look brighter for you. Take care.

[mamamia]

Hi David. I have just read your post.  I am sorry to say that I don't have any words of wisdom or feel better quick advice. All I can say is you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do.  I have suffered from depression for about 20 years. It is a terrible condition to try and live with, esp while living with others.  You feel very alone but you are not. You want to be alone but can't.

 This is my first time on here. I think I want to talk/vent but sometimes it seems like too much effort.  I am on my own, living with my sister and her family. It would be a lot easier if I lived by myself. Most mornings it is such a struggle to get out of bed. Can't get to sleep at night but want to sleep all day. Such a struggle to find enthusiasm for anything.

I really hope you find a way to be happy and well. This is probably pretty useless to you but I just wanted you to know someone is listening and truly wishes you well. 

[dwilli10]

Thank you everyone for responding. Its nice to know that there is somewhere I can turn to for support, even if all i do is logon and vent every once and a while. But perhaps I can also lend some support to others in the future.

I have seen my GP regarding my depression. I'm currently on pristiq but am going to switch to zoloft. I've been to Black Dog in Randwick. I've also seen a couple of psychologists before but haven't really made a connection with them. There is also the cost of seeing one regularly which I can't afford right now, especially on a weekly basis, and thats with the Medicare assistance - there's always something in the way, and I'm not just making excuses! I've read books, tried training my brain to think differently, faking it until I make it... Some techniques work for a short while, but the life just keeps beating me back down.

Its strange - the meds seem to help for a short period, at least the pristiq did. But nothing changes apart from that, you know. I'm aware of the core issues in my life, because the root of my problems are more 'social' and from a lack of fulfilment. I have a lot of regrets that can't seem to let go of. I want to make changes, but I feel like I don't have to freedom to. I could but it would mean hurting a lot of people - my wife and kids mainly - and I can't bring myself to do that.

Anyway. I'm writing from work so this post has to be a short one. Thanks again for the posts. I'll be on this forum regularly, and hopefully I can support you all too in the future 🙂 

[geoff]

dear Dwilli, I have been in the exact situation as you are now.

I loved my 2 sons and my ex-wife, although there were a few problems with her, but that's not for this post, but all I wanted was to be left alone, no one to trouble me, no one to insist me to go there were and everywhere, I just want piece and quite.

I never got this my sons would be bring home their mates, so the noise, the demands, the need to cook, and the need that I had to cook dinner was overbearing, I wanted silence and to have a drink without being criticised.

Depression was doing this to me as well as yourself, and now after 10 years enough is enough for you.

No one seems to understand that when you have depression you don't want any interaction with the rest of the family or any friends who wouldn't understand, and when they say 'she'll be right mate' or 'don't be stupid' certainly has no understanding.

I was in denial for a long time, although I really knew that I wasn't feeling well, but never believed it was from depression, because that's a word for the mentally deranged, and I knew that I was not mental, how stupid I was, and if I had got help much earlier then my depression could have been dealt with before it got too a level that was over the edge.

Please get back to us. Geoff.