PTSD - it scares me when I lose control of my senses

[lenore12]

I was first diagnosed with

chronic moderate depression 8 years ago and I've since been diagnosed with PTSD. I had a rough childhood. I don't find it too difficult to make new friends, enter new jobs and take new  opportunities , however, as my depression returns every 1&1/2 to 2 years, I manage to destroy every opportunities that comes to me. I've been told that I'm happy, bubbly and charismatic and because of this I  generally  do well in my studies/work/friendship, until depression strikes. When the black dog comes for me I isolate myself in my room, ignore my friends, and smoke alot of pot .  My character changes completely. Eventually the things I've spent the last couple of years on building up, crumble again. I've lost a degree, all of my savings, a job, a couple of relationships, family members, and alot of friendships from my depression, and I know it will happen again and again. I just stop caring about anything. I don't have the energy to care. If I recover from this time, then what? Do I build up my life again, knowing that I'll stuff everything up again in a couple of years? I know that this depression is for life, and it will always be back. I feel like everything I do in do in day to day life is superficial. It is hard to find a point to anything. I also have a very grim view on the world. Sometimes when I smoke too much pot I have psychotic episodes and think my house mates have poisoned me.  I know that this is a delusion and it scares me when I lose control of my senses. My Dr thinks these episodes have something to do with the PTSD. I'd hate myself if I could summon up the energy. I can't keep anything together. Please help. 

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[Snoman]

Hi Lenore,

Welcome to the BB forums.

I know that depression comes in lots of different varieties - it affects people in different ways.  I know that one treatment may work for some and not others.  The trick is to find what works for you.

Given that yours seems to be cyclic, you may need to change something to break the cycle.

My thoughts are:

• medication - would staying on meds prevent or lessen the next episode?
• meditation - by practicing mindfulness meditation, especially when you are well, you may be building up enough preventative mental strength to reduce the effects of the next occurrence.
• therapies such as CBT or ACT.

Other than seeing a GP, what other help have you received - medication, psych sessions? 

Snoman

[Neil_1]

Hi there Lenore

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and sharing your post.

From what I can gather, it seems that when you encounter depression, you are doing it pretty much solo – with no kind of professional help.  Although you did mention that you saw your Dr with regard to your psychotic episodes – I’m gathering that was only relatively not all that long ago?

What I am amazed at though is your Dr’s suggestion that your episodes could have something to do with the PTSD.  Yes, that could be feasible, and for what I’m about to say, I am certainly no Dr, but I think these episodes would be heavily linked to your smoking of pot – and you’ve kind of backed that up by saying that you generally have these after you’ve smoked too much.

Treating professionals always have a number of stock standard questions to ask when people come to them with a mental health issue and two of those questions are:  do you drink alcohol;  and  do you smoke pot or take any other illegal drugs?  From what I understand any of those are considered NOT helpful for those of us who suffer with mental health issues.  It can quite easily make you worse plus it also will take away the effectiveness of any medication that you may be on.

When you’re not in periods of depression you sound like a very competent, friendly and professional person who is able to manage different things;  like work, friendships, studies and no doubt a whole lot more.  But yeah, it’s just the dreaded beast of a black dog that can come along and strike all that down – so what I’m wondering now is do you have any kind of professional help happening for you at this time?

I’m not sure if you know, but on this site, Beyond Blue have a list of GP’s available to be searched for.  These GP’s are all experienced and trained in dealing with mental health issues and as a result, they would be best placed to provide you advice and guidance;  and possible referral to an experienced counselor.

I rattled on a fair bit here, so I hope that you find something that I’ve said to be of use to you.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Lenore, I also want to welcome you to this site.

I have read what Snoman and Neil have said and their words of wisdom are always so helpful, but I would like to know why these bouts of depression or relapses as we can call them, happen every 1 1/2 to 2 years, it could well be because of your PTSD which is very understandable, but there seems to be a common demominator, if I can say this, so every time this period comes around you unfortunatelty have a relapse.

I do know that if we over indulge in alcohol, or illicit drugs, which you aren't doing, and smoking pot it only makes any recovery much harder to address and then overcome.

I say address because we always put off until tomorrow what we can't or don't want to do today, and this happened with me as I used alcohol as my self medication.

We can discuss or argue until we are black and blue from our face with regards to all these vices that we do have, but we can't achieve anything unless the person has a desire to stop themselves.

There is medication which can help you to stop and cope with the withdrawals, but none of these will have any effect, unless you personally want to stop.

The old saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink it', well this is the same as trying to get you to take this medication if you don't want to stop.

I have to admit that when I do have a relapse I know that I will recover within a short time, and no I don't know when or if they are going to happen, maybe I'm lucky or maybe I'm not because I still get them, but you might be able to see it this way, that perhaps you may become stronger, but I don't think you feel this way, but I would love to her your thoughts on this. Geoff.

[Chelle72]

Hi Lenore,

I too have been diagnosed with PTSD due to a childhood trauma.  I'm not quite sure what happened to you but sometimes if we are made to feel we aren't worthy then we subconsciously sabotage what we have worked hard to build up, which seems to be the cycle you are finding yourself in.  Smoking pot will only make things worse as it can permanently change the chemical make up of your brain with long term use.  I know it can make you forget for a while but its just a stop gap and it will just make things worse in the long run as you are finding out. (I know, I used alcohol for the same reason).  I haven't found GP's any good for people who suffer PTSD, you need to get referred to a good Psychologist, one who won't just lump you onto medication and think they have cured you.  If you need it while you work through your situation then go for it but be wary of doctors who only rely on that form of treatment with nothing else. 

There has been a research study done at Griffith University on the benefits of probiotics in cases of depression - as the same tissue in the brain that is linked to emotion is found lining the bowel as well (this is the reason some people get digestive problems if they get very anxious or stressed).  They have found great results in people who anti-depressant medication just doesn't work for or who can't deal with the side effects.  Worth a shot, a lot less expensive and no side effects.

Good luck, I really hope you can find a good psychologist who can help you work through what happened in the past.  Unfortunately as scary as it is, you need to confront what happened in the past in order to allow yourself to fully heal in the future.  I know this sounds really silly but it is true.

Stay strong - there is a great future ahead of you, you just need to take the first step.

Cheers Chelle  

[FifeBarkley]

Hi Lenore,

I only joined this forum because I saw your post.

What you wrote above is almost my exact same story. Unfortunately, it comes down to chemistry, so your next step is to reprogram the chemical releases in your brain. Seemingly every 2 years or so, your depression comes back. Why do you think this is? Cognitive behavior therapy may be a good form of therapy for you, in helping to realise your triggers. I often find I was caught unawares and only on reflection do I realise that I was depressed and reacting as such.

You are not alone. This is depression and it's really hard. But just so you know, there are definitely others out there who understand what you go through. It may seem that no one else understands because no one else is experiencing reality quite like you are, but if you ever need to talk to someone who genuinely understands exactly what you are going through, I am your girl.

I can smoke up to a quarter in a few days. Not that it seems to do much anymore, but without it to dull the other thought processes, my brain makes it feel like my soul is it's own worst enemy. I'm not sure what I want or need, but this isn't it. Perhaps a new friend who understands could help? That's why I'm here. I hope you find what you are looking for too.

Fife