Post break up depression

[Josh_Smith]

Hi,

I don't really know how to start these things so I'll dive right into it.

Background: 4 years ago, my ex girlfriend and I decided to make things official. We had known each other since we were born and both grew up in rural Australia. Small town, so everyone new everyone, no secrets.

Towards the middle of the relationship, she had a bad relationship with alcohol. She barley drank ever, but when she did - she was flirty with other guys. It got so bad that my parents had received picture of her kissing another boy and also at a wedding we were both invited to was kissing someone on the dance floor.

Now she tells me that she has never slept with anyone. In any case, we decided to try and make things work out. She had been to clinics, seen specialists and really seemed as though she was putting the effort in to try and make us work.

She is now overseas doing a rural course for 6 weeks, and I noticed that she was being very active on social media but didn't have the time of day to respond to my text, even letting me know she got there okay and was safe.

She promised me that it would always be her and I. But we recently had a big fight about this, and that she had told me I would always be a priority. I know this sounds needy, but my trust was broken after hearing about these cheating instances. She now has blocked me on everything.

I'm finding this break up extremely hard to deal with. Our families are close and no doubt I will be seeing her again. I am honestly trying to be the bigger man, but this heart break is like nothing else.

What are your suggestions on coping with with. I had been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately which has been affecting everything. My work, my social life, my health. I have come to the conclusion that I can't be this person anymore, but need advice on how to numb the pain.

Thank you

[White_Rose]

Dear Josh

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. I am sorry you feel so bad about the break up with your GF. It is always hard to feel we have lost someone we love.

Grief is never easy to get through. Grief reflects the love you felt for someone. If we don't love we never feel grief at the loss.

You have asked for suggestions on getting through this time and I will give you my thoughts. First of all you are not depressed, at least not in the clinical sense. You are hurt and in pain, feeling lonely and believe no one can take the place of your GF. Please believe that depression is far worse. I mention this because sometimes people think they need an antidepressant (AD). Pills will not heal you in this circumstance.

Neither will alcohol. It will offer a temporary relief but it could lead to you becoming an alcoholic. May I ask you to consider how your drinking differs from your GF. Just a thought. Trying to numb your pain this way never works but it does make for difficulties with the rest of your life as you have already said. I had been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately which has been affecting everything. My work, my social life, my health. I have come to the conclusion that I can't be this person anymore, but need advice on how to numb the pain.

I agree you will be better not continuing down this path and it's good you have recognised this. Grief is never easy to live through. It's the nature of the beast. To start with I suggest you go back to living your life in your normal fashion. Go to work and immerse yourself in what you do. Socialise as before. Keep an eye on your drinking. If one drink makes you want more then stop drinking altogether. There are a number of people posting here who can attest to the destructive power of alcohol.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic because like many others I have also been there. Treat yourself gently, allow yourself to grieve and if that means tears it's OK. You may want to talk about your loss. Do you have anyone you can talk to? That is usually the best help.

Grief takes it own time time to heal. If you can recognise this and know you will begin to recover slowly it will help. Trying to 'do' something does not work as you have already found. I am sorry to say this because you hurt so much and want the pain to go. It will go but will take time. Post in here whenever you feel like it. I think it will help.

Mary

[Josh_Smith]

Thank you Mary,

I know that time heals all wounds. I guess at the end of the day, I had more self worth then the worth she was putting in me which is hard for me to grasp. I keep telling myself I'm a good guy, and I don't deserve to be treated this way.

Another hard things for me to wrap my head around is that she promised it to be her and I "forever". I would have fought tooth and nail for her, but when things got a little to tough she just shut me out permanently. So I now question myself, was I not even worth a phone call? Breaking up over text after everything we had been through.Would you suggest that given the light of the scenario that I should give up on the "hope" that there could potentially be a future there for us?

I also have just moved to a city for work with no friends or family hear which is also not helping things.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Josh,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out in this painful time.

I too know the pain of being cheated on, and as you can probably tell by my username - Soberlicious - I am now sober. Which means that I too once upon a time drank to excess. And I too was that flirty girl with guys other than my partner. I am not proud of that at all, and am certainly not that person today.

But, like I said, I have also been cheated on. One partner cheated on me when I was still in my drinking years, and my drinking just got worse. And another partner was actually my fiance in my early recovery and he too cheated on me. Actually he was having an ongoing affair with another woman. And yeah, it hurts like nothing else on earth, so I can certainly understand why you would want to numb the pain.

But the thing about pain is that the more you try to numb it, the more it is just building pressure and getting ready to explode and destroy you. I think that, going by what you said, you already know that booze is not the answer. Alcohol is a depressant and will only make things worse. It's kind of like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to get sick.

I would like to strongly recommend that you seek some sort of grief counseling. I know that people normally think of grief as something involving a death, but that's not always the case. Grief simply means a loss of any kind and with comes all kinds of emotions.

You may not be able to do anything about her, but you CAN do something about and for yourself. And I promise you, it won't always feel this bad. I too live in a smallish rural area and I too still see my ex fiance often ..... and we are friends today. That doesn't mean I have forgotten what happened. But I have forgiven him in the sense that I no longer let his actions affect me. Mind you it was also a long time ago. Pain doesn't go overnight, but it does go. And it will pass quicker if you let go of it sooner. Maybe write her a "goodbye, I'm done with you and your cheating" letter, and then go for a walk down the street and 'post' the letter in a bin near a post box! It worked for me.

Anyway, my ex fiance is now married to someone else, as did I go on to marry someone else .... whom I am also divorced from. Relationships may not be my strong point, but I'm pretty good, and getting better, at letting go of the pain and moving on.

You deserve to be free from this pain, so go out there and get that freedom! It's waiting for you. xo

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Josh,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out in this painful time.

I too know the pain of being cheated on, and as you can probably tell by my username - Soberlicious - I am now sober. Which means that I too once upon a time drank to excess. And I too was that flirty girl with guys other than my partner. I am not proud of that at all, and am certainly not that person today.

But, like I said, I have also been cheated on. One partner cheated on me when I was still in my drinking years, and my drinking just got worse. And another partner was actually my fiance in my early recovery and he too cheated on me. Actually he was having an ongoing affair with another woman. And yeah, it hurts like nothing else on earth, so I can certainly understand why you would want to numb the pain.

But the thing about pain is that the more you try to numb it, the more it is just building pressure and getting ready to explode and destroy you. I think that, going by what you said, you already know that booze is not the answer. Alcohol is a depressant and will only make things worse. It's kind of like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to get sick.

I would like to strongly recommend that you seek some sort of grief counseling. I know that people normally think of grief as something involving a death, but that's not always the case. Grief simply means a loss of any kind and with comes all kinds of emotions.

You may not be able to do anything about her, but you CAN do something about and for yourself. And I promise you, it won't always feel this bad. I too live in a smallish rural area and I too still see my ex fiance often ..... and we are friends today. That doesn't mean I have forgotten what happened. But I have forgiven him in the sense that I no longer let his actions affect me. Mind you it was also a long time ago. Pain doesn't go overnight, but it does go. And it will pass quicker if you let go of it sooner. Maybe write her a "goodbye, I'm done with you and your cheating" letter, and then go for a walk down the street and 'post' the letter in a bin near a post box! It worked for me.

Anyway, my ex fiance is now married to someone else, as did I go on to marry someone else .... whom I am also divorced from. Relationships may not be my strong point, but I'm pretty good, and getting better, at letting go of the pain and moving on.

You deserve to be free from this pain, so go out there and get that freedom! It's waiting for you. xo

[Josh_Smith]

Thank you Soberlicious,

I'm still coming to terms with how this ended. All I can think about is her overseas sleeping with other men doing the course with her. Its eating me up inside and leading me down a dark path. I know I am better then this, but given her history, if she is drinking over there then I feel as though this is the case.

Thats not to say that I handled this well, either. I did get cranky with her because I could see that she was on social media but not responding to me. Before she left she told me she loves me and that we can make us work. The first week she is there she has deleted me off everything and tells me that I need to work on myself. Did I overstep boundaries getting cranky that she was on social media and not replying to me?

Thank you for all your help.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Josh,

Depending on exactly how cranky you became and whether or not there was any name calling, is perhaps where the boundaries can become crossed.

It's perfectly reasonable to want a response to a message, but not so reasonable as to stoop to abusing someone for not replying. Even though it is very frustrating.

Like I said, you are the only one that you can do anything about.

And think about this; if you keep on doing what you've always done, you're gonna keep on getting what you always got. In other words, if you were to take her back under the current conditions then you are highly likely to be hurt and heartbroken all over again.AAnd is that what you really want? A partner you cannot trust?

You have the power to walk away and move on. But no-one can do it for you. The decision and the follow up action is up to you.

Best of luck. Take care of yourself. Xo