Please help

[BipolarAF]

I'm feeling pretty helpless

I’m bipolar type 1, medicated for 3 years, and been experiencing paranoia and distrust towards people close to me.

i tried several times to chat with a clinician online but my internet keeps dropping out. I tried to chat to my partner about my intrusive thoughts/paranoia/distrust and he raised his voice and told me to go to hospital even though I said that’s not what I want to do at all. I feel like there’s no one I can trust or talk to I feel so isolated. I feel like even my closest friends don’t understand and that I can’t trust any new friends either. My paranoia is telling me my friends will try send me to hospital/abandon me/make fun of me/think I’m insane even though they haven’t shown me they would do that. It feels like my partner is turning against me and I’m a burden and whilst I understand a lot of this is ‘in my head’, I’m having impulses to run away from everything/delete social media/break up the relationship/disappear. I know this isn’t rational or what I want to do but I tried to talk to him and it didn’t work and I kept feeling like he hated me and is doing things behind my back. I even have felt like my friends are plotting against me and I know that can’t be right but these ideas keep coming into my head. I just wanted to talk to my partner and have him reassure me but he struggles with empathy and emotional reactions and often jumps to anger as a response and it’s just affirming my greatest fears. I don’t know how to switch the paranoia off or deal with it. It’s starting to leak into every day conversations and the thoughts are becoming louder and louder saying I need to just run away from everyone. When I was younger I would do that, just pack a bag and disappear and it was quite unhealthy and unsustainable. I have a nice life here I don’t know why my head is telling me otherwise.

Does anyone have any idea how to cope with this ?

[Sophie_M]

Hi BipolarAF,

Thanks for reaching out to this community today. We're glad you decided to reach out. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling so helpless. We understand that the thoughts you're describing must be overwhelming. Please know that you're not alone and there will be members of this community who relate to what you are describing.

Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636. We understand your internet keeps cutting out, it might be worth trying the phone instead if you can. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.
Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. Hopefully one or two of our members will pop by over the next few days to say hello. In the meantime, please feel free to look through our existing threads for ideas.

[BipolarAF]

Hi Sophie

Thanks for replying it feels nice to be heard at least. I have a counsellor, a psychiatrist & a dietitian, I’ve been seeing them for 3 years and speak to the counsellor weekly, message the dietitian every few days, and see the psychiatrist once a month. I recently had my medication upped to curb intrusive thoughts/suicidal ideation and it has worked however I’m still experiencing paranoia. As it’s a weekend I don’t want to burden my counsellor, she has worked overtime many times before for me and I feel like this is something I can handle I guess. I just went on the wait list for a sooner appointment with my psychiatrist (seeing him next in 3 weeks), hopefully for meds review. I just tried again to talk to my partner and he was quite receptive this time even though he doesn’t really understand. I explained I just needed support and someone to listen to me and assure me these thoughts were just paranoia, and he tried to help I guess. I’m feeling a little less crazy but it’s like it’s coming in waves. I’m finding it hard to recognise it as paranoia when I’m fully experiencing it.
Would love to hear what other people with Bipolar disorder have to say about these impulses to cut off friends/relationships/move away and the drive behind it, and how they deal with the paranoia and distrust?

thank you for your advice and your time

[mocha delight]

Hi bipolaraf I’m not been diagnosed with anything yet but after a bad experience with a gastroenterologist well now a ex gastroenterologist which she has left me paranoid and distrustful of a lot of things/people ect ect ect. Which I never had a problem with those until I meet her and was only slightly depressed beforehand funny enough.

[quirkywords]

BipolarAF

welcome to the forum and well done for writing posts and starting your thread.

i have had bipolar for over 45 years. I am sorry your are having theses thoughts.

There is a thread This bipolar life which you are welcome to have a look at. There is support there.

If these thoughts are recent maybe checking medication may provide answers.

Take care

Quirky

[galen]

Hi BipolarAF,

Have you read any positive psychology books? Maybe you should go away. It doesn't sound like your partner is very understanding, which is a shame.

[Gonetroppo]

As a Bipolar, I get the impulse to cut off from family/friends etc. On reflection, I think it's a protective measure for me - a strategy for avoiding emotional injury. Kind of similar to raising your arms to shield yourself from physical injury. I've noticed that it usually happens when I get a negative vibe from the people around me particularly if I'm already under stress. Knowing the rationale behind the impulse can help in managing it although it doesn't always.

[Suzie29]

Hi BipolarAF,

When I'm feeling helpless and isolated I find talking to someone who understands what I'm going through helpful. I highly recommend calling Being 1800 151 151 as the staff are very understanding and listen without judgment.

[BipolarAF]

Hi Gonetroppo

at the time some of it was definitely protective but a lot of it had no rhyme or reason, just was convinced people were plotting against me when they hadn’t done anything bad at all. You’re right about knowing the rationale behind it though, once I increased my medication and did further therapy & meditation on these impulses I started to connect some dots. It’s crazy how common it is for people with bipolar to cut off family and friends. Thank you for your reply ❤️

[BetweenThePoles]

Hi BipolarAF, thank you for sharing your experiences. As someone with a friend who is bipolar, hearing what you’ve had to say has given me a great deal of clarity. My friend is a wonderful, kind person, but recently told me that she thought I had an agenda and cut me off when I tried to discuss it with her. She’s made other assertions which aren’t true. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since. I have faults too, I am by no means perfect, but wish I could help her. She’s getting help soon I think and I’m getting help of my own. Thanks again, all the best.