Playing a fake character in order to maintain friendship

[William_Chen2142]

From childhood onwards I have managed to deal with what used to be an asocial attitude of mine by essentially becoming somewhat of a people's pleaser. Not in the sense of actively going out of my way to present the certain princess with an expensive diamond ring out of the blue, but more so catering to the religious and political views of those who I am surrounded by and occasionally affiliate myself with. Do note that here when I refer to those whose community I am part of, only a small percentage of those are people who I can call friends since we rely on one another for casual or personal comfort. But it's absolutely having a detrimental affect on my productivity and overall productive and in worst case scenarios, livelihood morale. I have found that as I start to draw a line between me and my community once religious and political conversations were brought up which drastically contradicted that of what is actually correct, only then I did truly realise that the whole time I was living a double life, a completely fake persona. Every single time I was dragged into such conversations, I would always just stay completely silent. I had no courage to speak up because I know I would be ostracised if I did due to diagreements on such sensitive topics. However while my attitude towards such topics were fake, all the times we have spent bonding together were not and that is what in retrospect I would refer to as "an ignited match stick splintered into one's heart". But now that works related to such topics have become somewhat of a profession for me, it is now more of a critical time than ever for me to find somebody who truly gets me. Not just as an acquaintance, but someone I can generally just love. Further discretion is advised here, because the following event is highly sensitive. Just two nights ago I have in the peak of my loneliness dreamed of going on a jog and picnic with an imaginary Woman. Although produced in an artificial environment, the happiness and fulfillment I have felt that instance in my own labyrinth was never matched before. When I did wake up, I immediately without thought went to fix up my room in preparation for a visit, only to realise it was all fake. Ever since then my performance at my projects and my emotions have been going DOWN a consistent spiral. I have actually for the first time thought about whether it was worth going through all this or if it is better to from now on isolate myself and let my emotions take full control.

[quirkywords]

william chen

what a very insightful and interesting post. Thanks for sharing so honestly your emotions.

I too am a people pleaser and have had imaginary friends to help me when I was a teenager. 

It is hard to know which direction you should take o help me.

Do you find writing all this down helps you.

[therising]

Hi William_Chen2142

It's interesting how when we start to gradually wake up to who we naturally are, things start to take a significant turn. We can start relating a bit less to others, we can begin to look at various paths and ideas we've perhaps never considered before, we can be facing a lot of new, challenging and sometimes deeply uncomfortable emotions and the list goes on. I think one of the most interesting and challenging parts about waking up to who we naturally are tends to be centered around the question 'Who am I, really?'.

'Who am I without all the beliefs I thought were mine, all the beliefs that I was conditioned into accepting as being true, without question? Who am I in relation to all the things that really bring me joy and excitement, as opposed to all the things I've been led to believe should be joyful and exciting? Who am I, now that my identify is gradually changing, to reflect the truth of who I am, and how do I manage that change of identity? How do I especially manage how others respond to it? So many questions, on the quest to become our natural most authentic self. While it can be an exciting time, filled with a sense of wonder, it can also be an incredibly tough time.

It sounds like you've established the kind of person the woman of your dreams may be. Now you have a benchmark with which to work from, based on your dream, you could say it helps to have such a benchmark while also being realistic at the same time. And now that you're fully aware of how limiting and restricting the people pleaser in you can be at times, challenging that part of you to take a back seat while you look to other undiscovered parts of you to become driving forces in your life can take a lot of practice and time. Be kind to yourself in the process of developing who you naturally are.

While you now step foot on the path to becoming you, the best advice I could think to give anyone who begins such a venture is 'Look for guides'. Guides who've traveled this path themselves, who know where the potholes or depressions are or where the dark parts are and what they can be about can make a huge difference. Such people will shed light. Those who know the best directions to take under a variety of circumstances, are what I'd call 'the fast trackers'. The forums here are a great place to come to for 'fast trackers'. I've had more than a few help me over time, quirkywords included. It's said that the path to finding our self is 'The heroes journey'. While parts may appear easy, there are some parts that take incredible courage and these are the parts that come to test us the most.