Paull

[Guest_88266939]

In earl 2000s I had a serious  accident that almost killed me, I was married and my wife was fantastic through this period of my life we got through it and life’s rolled on with our two kids who are now grown up. At age 61 in and late 2022 my mum passed away and in December of that year I began to transition to retirement in Jan 2023 my wife said she wanted to leave me. For me this was out of the blue and gutted me still does. A few weeks after the announcement I found out she was cheating on me since early 2022. It’s totally gutted me and made me feel ashamed and worthless as a man and person for that matter. I haven’t been in contact with her since this time and our financial settlement is completed . So today I’m feeling low and I see an email from her requesting divorce proceedings. This has hit me hard and I wounded if I will ever get over it. I have had counciling and was told I still have PTSD from 2000s accident and combined with the death of my mother, retirement and wife leaving me was depressed. Anyway the councillor didn’t work out. In mid 2023 I returned to work and have engrossed myself in my work. I have no external interest and work is my life and I’m good at what I do. Anyway today I receive an email for divorce proceedings and it’s hit me hard and I’m struggling to cope. At 63 I feel like I should be able to cope and be big enough to move on like my ex but I just can’t seem to.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I can relate to your PTSD after such a heavy blow in your life back then. These serious event can leave us fragile and then any serious development in our lives like someone passing away or separation we fall harder than some.

What I find sad about your post is that you feel less of a man when you found out about her affair yet, she should feel less of a person for the lack of proper process eg separation before such action out of resect for you. So you lost confidence and dealing with a loss not unlike someone passing away is a double blow. 

Throwing yourself into work is not a bad thing but that workplace will one day become a chore and will end. Planning a retirement or semi retirement is best to do now and that will involve interests of which you dont now have.

As a happily married man at 68yo we often talk about what if, one passed away, what would we do. I've responded that as we do caravanning I would continue that as a single person for a number of reasons- seeing friends often interstate, distraction with interesting places to visit and mobility. But I also have other interests, tinkering, motorcycles etc. You'll have to dig deep to find such an interest and often that interest was from ones childhood as a passion otherwise it fades away. Your local mens shed could be a start, you'd be amazed at the welcoming and mateship you'll get there not to mention the projects that help the community- it will give you purpose.

Although your estranged wife has done things oddly she had supported you a long time ago and in my experience with ex's ther eis nothing better than attending a childs event be it birthdays, grandkid births etc and meeting up as friends. To do this you would need to express that desire to her when and if you are ready. It will also please your adult kids. My kids mother was opposite- she held a grudge to this day some 26 years later simply because I couldnt live with her abuse. 

You are "big enough" as a man even though you find it hard to move on. The grief process is different for everyone and this delay is not the measure of your manhood but more the gauge of your hurt and adaptation.

Finally, socialising to find new friends can close the gap if seeking company. I've found in our caravanning there are so many lonely people in your situation. We have two gorgeous small dogs that is a conversation starter where ever we go. 

Repost anytime if you'd like to expand further on these topics. 

TonyWK