Partner issues

[Zack_63]

Hi everyone this is the first time I’ve had the courage to open up on a forum like this. I’m depressed and anxious about my partner’s spending on Afterpay. I am the sole wage earner in the family. For many years my partner has spent a lot on credit cards. I paid the cards off and got spending under control but now she is racking large amounts on Afterpay around $1,000 a month. It’s making me depressed and I feel that I’m just being used as a cash cow. She hasn’t worked for 17 years and I have had to pay all the bills and the mortgage. I can’t sleep, have no energy and feel it’s all hopeless as she won’t change and I’ll just have to keep working forever to pay her bills. I’m 60 and can’t keep working forever. I’ve tried to get her to see it as an addiction and for her to get help but she doesn’t want any. I feel like breaking up with her but I’ll just lose everything in a property settlement. So what do I do? I’m just over it and it’s making me very depressed, sad and anxious. I think I’ll have to just take antidepressants and try and live my life just paying for her spending habits. 

[therising]

Hi Zack_63

I feel so deeply for you as you face such incredible stress along with so much questioning. You definitely should not have to adjust to what someone else refuses to manage, especially when what they refuse to address is obviously depressing and anxiety inducing.

I recall when my husband and I decided to have kids a couple of decades ago. Before our first child came along, I insisted things were going to be financially tough while we decided to raise kids old style (I'd be a stay at home mum and he'd be bringing in a single wage). His attitude, when he doesn't like to face confronting facts, is typically 'It'll be right'. No matter how many times I expressed how financially challenging things were going to be, his response was 'It'll be right'. So, I decided to sit down and work out the estimated incomings and outgoings. There it was, in black and white, how it wasn't simply going to be right without us making some adjustments to our lifestyle, making it right. He was shocked to see how it played out on paper and even became a little stressed. A budget can be a bit of a psychological slap in the face for some people, a real wake up call to what they've been asleep to. It's like they can be dreaming the dream of having all the things they wonder about having, in order to bring them joy and plenty of dopamine hits to the brain, before going out and seeing whether such wonder pays off. In the meantime, while they're in this dream state, you can be living a nightmare of some description. Should add, while I loving wondering whether this or that purchase would change my life in some great way and while my imagination goes wild with me imagining having such things, my kids occasionally set me straight with 'Mum, you literally can't afford to wonder about buying that!'. They help keep me in check.

Do you feel it may make some difference for her to see things in black and white, for her to see all the finances down on paper? Do you think she'd be surprised by how much she does actually spend (whether it appears as outgoings or debt)? Finding cheaper forms of excitement or investing in exciting things that pay off might be something that can be worked into the budget perhaps, through negotiation.

While always having been the financial manager of the family, I can relate to the stressful and depressing factors that can come about. Seeing bank balances below a certain amount actually triggers my nervous system. I find when my husband doesn't want to hear about financial challenges I have to firmly say 'LISTEN! SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU!' Wake up calls aren't always nice or polite. They can have us appear as rude, mean or unreasonable people. The overall objective is basically to have everyone concerned fully awake to the facts. Can you think of anything that might wake her up if black and white evidence doesn't work? Might help to know why she does it. Does she do it to relieve boredom and/or because it gives her a high? Does she do it because she loves imagining having such things (involving a reigning in and mastering of the imagination)? Does she do it because it stops her from feeling depressed, if depression has been an issue in her life in the past?

[Zack_63]

thank you for responding to my post. I’ve done all the budgeting when the last time this happened she racked up $50,000 in credit card debt. I refinanced the house to pay the credit cards out. Now the problem is after pay. I’ve added up what she has spent through Afterpay. Last financial year she paid out $17,000 to Afterpay. I’m the only one that works she won’t work and is happy to stay at home with the kids. I work 12 days a fortnight away from home to keep the money coming in. For what? We will never get ahead. She gets resentful when I have told her she needs help. It’s an addiction. If it was just her money then I wouldn’t care. If she worked an bought anything she wanted then that would be fine. I’m happy to support her and the kids. I just can’t do it anymore and I’m so angry and depressed. I feel dejected, sad and I feel I’m being used. 

[therising]

Hi Zack

Definitely incredibly stressful. I really do feel for you so much. I can imagine how depressing and soul destroying this must feel. They're breathtaking amounts of money which I can imagine must make is hard to breath at times when you reflect.

Have you looked into where you stand financially if you were to separate? What share of the house would you get, how much debt would you be responsible for paying off etc? At the end of the day, would you be free to then save for a semi comfortable retirement, without worrying about ringing up more debt in retirement if you stayed together? If the goal is a debt free semi comfortable retirement at this stage, that might be something you can only achieve if you separate. If your wife decides she wants to ring up debt in her 70s and 80s, then that's no longer your concern. Of course, not an easy thing to put into motion. A lot of stress there too, legal separation, but at least it's time and money invested in what is going to pay off for you in the long run...a sense of peace in retirement.

Won't go into too much detail but while my husband and I still live on the same property, me and the kids (18 and 20) in the house and my husband in a fully self contained flat in the back, we share responsibilities in a relationship that has transformed into something I can manage. The marriage became just too depressing for me to continue with in its original form. It's just no way to live, in a relationship that brings you down in so many ways, based on it serving your partner to a large degree. A marriage is meant to raise us in ways that bring us joy, a sense of peace and more. I've found it can also raise a sense of consciousness through the challenges that can lead us to question 'What do I deserve?'. If 'Better than this' is the answer, some pretty intense challenges can follow.