Partner is depressed + newborn baby

[New_mum_of_1]

Hi, my partner broke down a week ago and told me he is depressed. We have a 3 week old baby girl. He says he hasnt been happy for a long time (before baby) and then he told me he doesn't think he is in love with me anymore.

He runs his own business and has been experiencing extreme financial stress with that and also trying to open up a second small business. His plate is very full especially now with our baby and he is very overwhelmed.

I am still heartbroken at the fact that he said he isn't sure he is in love with me anymore and cry everyday over this! I love this man more than anything and had no idea he was feeling this way. As far as I knew we were happy.

I admit that with everything going on in the last year or so, we haven't been as "connected" as we once were and our relationship was lacking affection, intimacy and quality time together but he has still been the fun, happy, positive guy I love and adore up until a week ago.

Im struggling to cope with this change in him, its so out of character. He has gone from being funny, happy and positive to miserable, angry and negative. Like someone has flipped a switch!

I was hysterical in tears, shocked at what he was saying to me as I just can't imagine my life without him. During my pregnancy he seemed distant sometimes and now it breaks my heart because he has distanced himself so much from me and our baby that he is missing out on the special bonding time with her.

He said he is going to get help but hasn't made the appointment yet and wont let me help. He is pushing me away, shutting me out, we are living like we are housemates. He wants to be alone and wants space. He helps with bub sometimes but is putting his time into the gym and the new business so is hardly home. He seems angry towards me like he is blaming me for all of this?

I feel so alone and upset that we are going through this and not spending time as a family, and that he isn't spending quality time with our baby.

I really want him to go to therapy so we can work through this and then work on fixing our relationship. He said he needs to sort himself out first.

Its like he is suffering a mix of depression and postpartum depression. He is showing all of the signs. Im giving him the space he has asked for but I am really struggling. I've told my mum about it so that I have support but he won't speak to any mates or family. Im so heartbroken, lost, alone and don't know how to encourage him to take that first step to get help 😔 I miss him!!

[Croix]

Dear New_mum_of_1~

I'm very pleased to welcome you here to the Forum and realise what a heart-breaking time you must be having. I hope otherwise you and bub are both doing well.

However I want to say straight off when I've been in the deep depression I've been constantly angry and not known who I loved, or if in fact I was capable of love at all - highly upsetting for my partner. As I improved it all came back, physical matters as well as affection and care.

The sorts of things you have said your partner is doing this last year or so sound very like I was, and with the stresses you mention I think you are right and he may need to see a doctor. As you have found that can be difficult to achieve.

Apart from yourself is there anyone else in his life he respects, perhaps someone in business he deals with , who might have more luck persuading him? It sounds like you have already tried those close.

I apologize if you have already done this but I'd suggest you might like to contact PANDA who specialize in giving advice on all matters of this nature, with information on-line and a business hours free helpline.

https://www.panda.org.au/info-support/how-is-dad-going

I'd also like ot mention your own heath and that of your bub need care. Support and help make a huge difference so I'm very glad you have your mum. PANDA is also worth talking to about the stresses and distress you are feeling as well.

We really would like to know how you get on

Croix

[New_mum_of_1]

Thankyou for your kind words, Croix.

It's reassuring to hear that you yourself have been through similar and that with professional help, it does get better and feelings do come back.

All I want is for him to feel himself again so we can go back to how we were before all of this and reconnect as a couple, and also as a family unit.

My heart breaks when I think about us not being together and throwing away everything we have.

Im definitely going to gently push for him to get help. I can tell he is at a "ill be right" stage right now where he thinks it'll go away on its own. And he seems embarrassed to talk to anyone close.

His mum caught on the other day that something isn't right but I feel its not my place to tell his family?He hates all social interaction now with our families and wishes he didn't have to see anyone. And when we are around people he sits on his phone like he is trying to avoid conversation or something.

Thank you for the recommendation of PANDA. I'll definitely look into that.

Im doing my best to keep positive myself. Its really hard with a newborn. I have my bad days as well where all I want to do is cry. Its a struggle emotionally let alone with my partners depression ontop.

[geoff]

Hello New_mum, I'm really sorry this is happening and know from myself that running your own business, struggling with finances and sales of your product as well as trying to cope with PND is definitely a difficult agenda to maintain.

I had all of these while my wife was suffering from PND with our second son and back then my wife didn't want any help, while I had to pretend that everything was OK, when in fact it wasn't.

I'm positive postnatal can happen before the baby is born, although I'm not a doctor to say, but the thought of a baby arriving complicates the situation because the dynamics will change once the baby is born.

People have the tendency to say 'they need to fix this themselves' because they don't want people to keep asking them questions as they don't have any answers and to be put in that position only wants them to be by themselves.

Men's shed may be an option he can contact, all you need to do is make an appointment with his doctor then they can begin the process for him.

I know you love him just as your new baby but please don't worry if he's unable to say the same at the moment, people who are suffering from any depression may still love you but find it difficult to say.

I have to go but will return.

Geoff. x

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

firstly congrats on the baby. And it is good that you have been able to tell your mum what is going on.

for your husband there is probably a sense of the embarrassment to admit there is a problem. The other thing can be the difficulty in trying to explain his feelings.

It also sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place... wants to sort himself first before ??? And then it is hard to force someone to do something they dont want to do either.

But as you mentioned in the end of your post, you can encourage by listening and using i communication and loads of empathy and hopefully finding a way to move forward. Even as a male, this is something my psych told me. If you are interested i can tell you more about this.

It is hard to feel as though you have lost (figuratively) your partner. Perhaps more so when you know that help is available.

Lastly.... also tell your friends, or at lest those you are close to build a support network. Talking about what you are going through is better than letting it build up inside you.

[New_mum_of_1]

Hi Geoff,

Thankyou for your reply.

Yes he definitely does have too much on his plate at the moment.

Since I posted on here a few more family members are now aware of his depression. He told his parents and also told me that I can let my family know. All of who have reached out to him and offered their support.

He still hasn't gone to see the GP yet to get a referral to see a therapist.

I had a postnatal checkup for me and bubs last week with my GP and i mentioned my partners depression to her. I go back again in 2 weeks where she will ask how im going and im thinking I might even ask her for a referral for myself to go and seek professional help.

I have good days and bad days. I get so upset thinking about the precious moments my partner is missing out on with our new baby because he is hardly home. He is either at the gym, work or out getting things ready for his new business.

He is still so distant, he is sleeping in the spare room. He is refusing my help with everyday things and its driving me crazy. Doesn't want me to do his washing, or food shopping, or cook him dinner or buy him groceries. Wants to do it all himself. He won't let me help with the new business and says I have enough going on...

I have definitely noticed the postnatal depression in him. He isn't bonding with our baby. I think he will be better once she is a bit older and more interactive.

In his past, he never wanted to have kids. It wasn't until we met a few years ago that this all changed and he couldn't wait to become a dad.

I am grieving the fact that we are going through this at what is supposed to be an important and exciting time for us. I want to be doing family things together...I miss spending time with him...chilling at home watching our favourite netflix shows...going out for dinner and for drives on the weekends. Im so scared that I will never get these back and that he will let the depression destroy us.

[New_mum_of_1]

Thank you for your reply.

You're right, I think he is embarrassed and ashamed to admit he needs help.And now that our families know what's going on he probably feels judged too. Even though we all want nothing but the best for him and support him 100%.

Its just so hard. I dont want this to sound selfish but I don't think he has even considered how I am feeling through all of this. Im feeling like a single mum, trying to get through each day with a newborn feeling so alone. Not knowing if my partner even loves me anymore or what the future holds for us. But I guess that's part of the depression...he doesn't feel anything for anyone or anything he told me.

I get so jealous of my friends who have also recently had babies and they have their partners full support and are a "team" helping eachother with the baby and doing things together as a family making memories etc.

[geoff]

Hello New_mum_of_1, I'm so pleased you have come back and keep us informed because any type of depression doesn't disappear in one day, it takes a little time.

For him to be at the gym, work or whatever else he may be doing is his way to try and hide his depression, but this can only be done until he's by himself and then could break down.

Wanting to be a dad is different from actually being a dad because when this happens the dynamics suddenly change, it's all hands on deck and affects the two of you dramatically.

There is so much you want your husband to see, how the baby is changing every day and really want to have the pleasure of enjoying it together because these times will not repeat themselves, even if you have another one.

It's good that you'll ask your doctor for a referral and then they will know of situations like this to be able to advise you.

Maybe he doesn't want you to help him is only because he knows that your hands are full with the baby and doesn't want you to over extend yourself.

I'm sure other people would have noticed how he looks, behaves and ask questions and hopefully suggest to him that he should visit his doctor and if he is worried about closing his business done for a couple of hours, any customers will surely come back, they will understand or perhaps someone he knows could run it for him.

I have my fingers crossed for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[smallwolf]

For him to tell people in his own family is a big step. And allowed you to tell your family as well.

might not be talking to a GP yet... but one step closer.

as far as him wanting to do things, that may also be coping mechanism. To want to do things can be a distraction from letting thoughts simmer in your mind.

But to you... the changes you are seeing in your partner would likely make you anxious . The things you envisioned or imagined at one time are not there. When you next see your GP you might be able to talk to them about what you can do in relation to your partner and yourself.

[New_mum_of_1]

Thank you for your reply!

Yes I saw that as a big step too, telling his family. All of whom have reached out to him to offer support but he hasn't responded to them.

I feel like we have taken a step backwards though. I had an emotional day yesterday and was in tears. We talked and he still told me that he feels nothing for me and hates coming home. He hates living the way we are where we live like housemates hardly talking etc. I told him I hate this too but this is what he wanted...space...so I have been giving it to him.

I asked him to please get help so we can work on all of this. I suggested couples therapy so I go with him. He refused and said he doesn't know if he wants to "fix us".

It breaks my heart to hear this. I can't imagine my life without him. He isn't the same person. But I know the man I love is in there somewhere even though he says these hurtful things to me.

I told him I dont understand where I went wrong. He said i have done nothing wrong and its all him but all I feel now is that I'm not good enough...attractive enough etc. Im tooting my own horn here but I know that I am such a down to earth easy going partner. I have been in all of my relationships. I never cause drama, I give so much love, I only ever want love in return. I am supportive, loyal and happy, bubbly and positive 99% of the time.

My ex and I split up because he had an affair. I soon after met my current partner and have never been happier. We had such a good life together...no intention of getting married but had our beautiful baby girl together. He is my best friend and soul mate and I think the world of him. Now he is telling me he doesnt love me anymore out of nowhere and that he has felt this way for ages..?? Where am I going wrong. I have friends who aren't nice to their husbands, who are drama queens and generally don't treat their partners that nicely yet they are all the ones who are in long term relationships and their partners seem happy and supportive. Im so jealous of what they have now.

I can't help now but think I'm "too" nice.

I have my next postnatal check in 2 weeks im going to ask my doctor for a referral for myself to seek professional help. Because if things don't get better I don't think I will cope with a newborn and the heartache.

amy