Im struggling

[noah55655]

my life is shit I have always been over weight (I am also dyslexic and stage 1 autism and adhd) until my birthday last year I lost weight in 4 months I was going to the gym working but while i was at work one of my very close friends called me like 3 4 times and I didn’t pick up i got home and didn’t call him back because I was too lazy and then 2 days later I went past his house and his parents told me he oded and I didn’t leave my room after that for almost 4 months my family brought me food and water i only left to use the bathroom i didn’t brush my teeth and barely showered now it’s been 8 months and ive been eating my self to death hoping one day i will just not wake up and i am getting very close to just ending it I feel too guilty.everyone is distancing themselves away from me and i have no one to talk to my gf broke up with me and barely have any human interaction 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear noah55655,

I am so sorry for what happened to your friend. I know from what you've explained that you're carrying this sense of responsibility for not having picked up your phone or called him back. But I want you to know it is so not your fault that he overdosed. There is no way of knowing what may or may not have happened had you intervened and you are never responsible for the action another person takes.

I understand this situation being extremely painful though and I went through something similar with a friend. I had three friends commit suicide over a three year period. With the third friend I was at the shops one day after I'd seen her about a week or so before. I dialled her number accidentally when I put my phone in my bag at the shops. I heard this voice saying my name and thought that's weird, then realised it was her on my phone. So I started talking to her explaining that I was at the shops and in a hurry to organise some food to go on a trip. I said I'd talk to her later maybe after my Dad's birthday which would be soon after I got back. So it was a really brief call. She texted me shortly after wishing my Dad a happy birthday.

At this time I'd been caring for both my parents and my Dad was in the late stages of a degenerative disease. I was going on the first trip away in a long time to just have a few days break. After getting back it was Dad's birthday and then a week later he died. Then I had the news my friend had suicided. I felt awful that I had rung her by accident when she might have thought I was calling intentionally to see how she was and then had the disappointment of me saying it was a mistake and that I was in a hurry. Then I rushed through saying I didn't have time then but would talk later. I felt terrible that I didn't just stop the shopping I was doing and spend time chatting to her.

The thing is, though, we are always doing our best at any given moment in time. You may have just not felt up to talking the day your friend was trying to call you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. Likewise with my friend I had a lot on my plate and I was just managing as best I could. I can't know whether me spending longer with her on the phone that day would have prevented her suicide.

I know it feels horrible though and we can contract into a kind of freeze response where we just don't want to move or do anything. It sounds like you are stuck in that place. But there will be a way you can gently come out of it. It is so important to be kind to yourself, especially as you a grieving too. See if you can allow the negative feelings towards yourself to lift and feel kind and supportive to yourself. More than ever right now you need to be able to allow and feel support. There can be good help on the various helplines too - Beyond Blue, Lifeline and Suicide Callback Service. I recently came out of my own bout of suicidality and The Suicide Callback Service was especially helpful at that time with the people seeming to just really get what I was going through.

Take care and feel free to talk more If you want to.

ER

[yggdrasil]

Hey noah55655,

Thank you so much for posting your story on here, it can help others going through similar things. I'm so sorry to hear how tough things have been, and the tragedy and heartbreak you've endured lately. There are no easy fixes for these feelings, only a very slow process involving first accepting where you are at, then gradually looking for small steps you can take in a new direction.

I agree with everything Eagle Ray has said. When things are at their worst you can try the counselling numbers Eagle Ray mentioned, including Lifeline (13 11 14), Suicide call back service (1300 659 467), Mensline (1300 78 99 78) and Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636). I have called all these numbers multiple times over the years. While it is sometimes difficult to get through to someone immediately, when you do I allways find it helpful. 

Another thing you might consider is an in-person peer support group. These exist for grief, depression, and drug related issues. I attended such a group for many years. They provide structure while you process difficult experiences. They also provide friendly faces, and a sense of being seen and understood by people who understand where you're at. 

Also, are you speaking to your doctor about your situation? Most doctors are now well trained in mental health. If you're not comfortable talking about depression with your current GP you can ask your clinic if they have a GP who specialises in mental health, or call around nearby clinics asking the same. This is what I do when moving to a new area. GPs can help you set up "mental health care plans", which entitle you to 10+ free sessions with a psychologist per year. I saw a psychologist for many years and it was very helpful in the long run. 

I hope the responses you receive on here provide some food for thought. The smallest steps you take will, over time, grow into larger changes, so don't be afraid to start small and take it slow. All the best,

yggdrasil