Partner Getting Professional Help and I Think I Should Too

[kohakuro]

Hi everyone,

This may be quite a jumbled post. I have been a roller coaster of emotions for the last four days and I just need help.

My boyfriend of over a year went to the GP on the weekend for help with his depression *trigger*... years ago he tried taking his life and he used to self-harm. I knew he’d never received professional help but I thought he had been managing alright. He wouldn’t tell me why he was going for the appointment, and I only discovered the day after when I’d left his house that he’d been given a prescription for antidepressants and has been booked in for psychological help.

That night, once I left his (we still live with our parents), I broke down in tears. I haven’t had a break down like that in months. Please don’t get me wrong, I am so, so glad that he’s realised he needs help and is taking action. But it broke me. I guess I value communication - he’s always so on to me to communicate, yet couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me how bad he is mentally again. He freely discusses it in Facebook groups with our friends (how I’ve found out all this) but struggles with me. I can understand he may be embarrassed, I feel he doesn’t want me to worry, but the silly boy doesn’t know it makes me physically sick when I am this worried about him. He always wants to be the strong one for me, and never lets me help him.

Onto me now.. two years ago my mum forced me into the GP to discuss my mental ‘issues’ that were causing me to ‘be lazy with schoolwork and have no motivation’. The doctor said after assessment I had moderate depression and referred me to a psychologist. Unfortunately she made things worse between me and my mum (who believed it was my fault I wasn’t listening to the psych and wasn’t better after a month) so I never went back.

I just feel like I need some advice. Im much worse than I used to be. I ditch all of my worries about family, study, work and the future on him. I feel guilty and selfish for that. And I feel like I blame myself for him seeking professional help. He insists I don’t affect him in that way but I’d have to. And with him starting antidepressants, I am irrationally scared it’ll change him or make his depression worse. I don’t know why, but I can’t convince myself it’s okay. He wants me to get help as ‘I’m much worse than him’ (I have a lot of issues atm) but I’m scared. I’m 18 now, my parents can’t know. I don’t know if trying professional help again will be a better experience. But I need to help myself, to help him

xx

[PamelaR]

Hi Kohakuro and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Life is sounding very complex for you atm, isn’t it? You are so right about looking after yourself so you’re able to support your partner. That is so right. Being well, helps significantly.

It all sounds a little bit of a turmoil, your boyfriend seeking help for his depression and not telling you. You also needing support too for your own depression.

I’m pleased to hear you’ve seen a doctor and a psychologist in the past. As you say it might be a good move to go down that path again. Maybe a different psychologist this time?

Talking with someone is always good. Who do you have to talk with about how you’re feeling (other than your boyfriend)? For example, close family member or trusted friend?

You haven’t indicated how old you are, but from what you’ve written, I think maybe you are under 25 years old? If so, have you had any support from eHeadSpace 1800 650 890? They provide online and chat support service.

It’s good you are reaching out to us. We’re here if and when you want. You’re not alone Kohakuro.

Kind regards
PamelaR

[kohakuro]

Thank you for your reply PamelaR 🙂

Unfortunately I don't have a close relationship with my parents, and my sister has autism, which really makes it hard for me to have a bond with her. If anything, I'm a second mum to her. I believe two of the biggest impacts on my mental health are from my mum and my sister - the easiest way to explain my mum is that she's emotionally abusive towards everyone else in the house, and we just have to put up with it because that's the way she is. My dad works away in mining for two weeks at a time. I have a couple of other friends apart from my boyfriend but one has Aspergers and she can't understand emotions very well. My other friend I've known for over 10 years but we've grown apart these last few years. Both of them know my parents very well so I'd feel uncomfortable telling them in case they told my parents, which would affect my home life with my mum for the worse if she knew.

Yes, me and my boyfriend are 18. He turns 19 in a couple of weeks, and I am about 6 months younger than him. I guess we have a lot of stresses going on right now with money (even though we are supported by our parents, we want to save for a house deposit to move out as soon as possible but with our incomes it'll take 6+ years). His work depends on the weather so recently he isn't earning much and I've just had my hours at work cut too.

Speaking of financial stresses, even if I were to go to the doctors I am unsure whether I will be able to afford treatment or not. Thinking about myself more, I wouldn't be surprised if I have more than just depression.. I struggle to manage my anger at times and want to physically lash out. It's instantaneous and so easily triggered by the smallest things (99% of the time this is caused by my sister's stimming, meaning whenever I am around her I feel this way). I'm thinking about the same doctor clinic my boyfriend is going to, as they bulk-bill. Last one I went through we still had to pay for half the appointment up-front and apparently even with a health-care plan in place, my mum was paying $100 per psychologist session a week. I barely have $20 spare a week after I get paid (I don't qualify for Centrelink as my dad earns too much and I earn minimum wage at my part-time job).

I found out my boyfriend went to the doctors because he has been feeling worse and worse recently, and he went in as a genuine plea for help. They diagnosed him with severe depression and have planned to help him manage his moods better.