4 walls, better to stay in than venture out

[Living57]

Today I really struggled. My depression seems to have reached maximum and then some. As I write this I'm lying in bed. It's dark and I can't even make out the walls or the door which suits me fine because the blackness just Echoes how I feel. Today I struggled all that I have in the past. I saw a documentary on television which was like watching my life in reality, its what I've been through as a child and it hurt. Was like somebody had read my inner core and put it out there for everyone to see. I just wanted to cry. Instead I went to my bed and laid there curled up sobbing silently knowing that there's nobody who really cares. I'm estranged from my son's. One daughter is in hospital very ill interstate and I cannot get to her finances don't allow it a failure on my part. My other daughter has two special needs children and is there fore me as the best she can be but I understand she needs to be there for her family first and foremost. My depression matches my room I'm lying in black and miserable. I tried some telephone counselling today as I cannot leave my house due to a fear of strangers after I had been assaulted about 18 months ago. I am struggling with basic supplies in the house and have no milk bread eggs butter fast running out of pantry Staples and too scared to go out and buy them and nobody in the area I live in to turn to to help me as I am just new here. I'm struggling to hold on and I know what it's like to go down that hell hole. I just don't want to be like this. I would like one day where I could have some semblance of normality. Some happiness. Something to look forward to. Not more of the same blackness embracing me. Surely there is more to life than this. I feel sometimes as if I'm just going through the motions and not actually living. I really don't know what to do. Being unable to leave the house means my social activities are limited. I try to read try to keep off the TV and internet and things that I know are unhelpful. I just don't know where to turn and I feel very alone. I see my doctor when I need to he's really good and I have a great relationship with him but he is now 45 minutes away and I am not changing doctors I cannot go through that hassle again and I have settled with him and he understands me. I do not know my neighbours having only been in this house 2 weeks. I am not aware of anybody who can help me and I just hate being this way. Surely there's more to life than this, at the end of the day this isn't living.

[blondguy]

Hello Living57

I apologise for the delay in you receiving a response. We are usually pretty quick in posting back!

This is a tough place to be in. I understand as I was 'stuck' in my home in the mid 1980's and it was awful (understatement of the decade) I used to have chronic anxiety for a long time that morphed into diagnosed clinical depression....just for your information

You mentioned that feeling this way is not living and my memory of this dark phase is the same.

May I ask if you have even some telephone contact with your GP? You have a good relationship and keeping this avenue of support open (if possible) would be beneficial however not crucial

Can I ask you about your anxiety levels?

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post Living57

my kind thoughts for you in this difficult time

Paul

[MsPurple]

Hi Living57

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. I am glad you reached out. I am also glad to hear you tried counselling over the phone, this can be a good tool if you are struggling to leave the house.

I know how horrible the black dog can be at times. I have been through a rough patch recently, but luckily I was still able to work and I was able to talk to my mum over the phone when I was struggling. I do know those dark days were you just sit in a dark room alone too well. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

When I struggle with motivation due to a decline in my mental health and I don't want to leave the house I have tried doing some shopping and jobs online. For example, I know both Coles and Woolies have delivery services (maybe free certain days a week if you spend $x, check out their websites). I have used one before and found it really helpful and easy. Maybe that could be something you could give a try.

I also find meditation helps with depression as well as anxiety. I use an app on my smartphone called 'calm' (free section). Maybe give this a try. They have a section on loving kindness. I suggest doing it every day for a week, I found the first time I did it, it wasn't helpful, but after a week I saw the benefits. It helped me challenge the thoughts more (subconsciously too).

Hopefully I have been helpful. You are not alone. If you have any questions feel free to ask

[Living57]

Hi Paul

Thank you for your reply. I do have a phone number for my GP but I hate bothering him sometimes it just seems so minor. My anxiety levels are very very high and I suffer that along with panic attacks part of which is what keeps me inside. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do in the future but I know this really isn't leaving the options I don't like either. But I'll keep battling and I'll keep posting thank you

[Living57]

Hi MsPurple

Thank you for your response. I have never thought of meditation but I will look into the app that you suggested. The darkness is horrible and in saying that I also don't want to leave it because it's something I know. I cannot do online shopping as they have such a high spend amount and I don't even come close to that limiting myself to only $30 a fortnight on veggies and fruit I eat lentils and rice and very little meat. Thank you