Don't know who else to talk to

[sallybrown]

Hi all,

I'm new here. Have had anxiety all my life, but depression is new to me. I'm struggling to gauge how serious it is and how to cope. Doing all the right things - I'm on a waiting list for a psychologist, have a doctor's appointment for next week - but I just keep feeling worse and worse and I'm so lost right now with nobody I can talk to, because I'll either worry them or they won't understand. I think I just need to hear that it'll be okay?

It started out this time as stress from a high pressure job. My mental health has deteriorated and now it all feels like a mess. I can't speak to my manager (who has previously been supportive) because my guilt and shame at not being able to cope is overwhelming. I've been in this job for a year and I feel like I deceived her at my interview by pretending I would be fine, only to fall apart. I can't quit because I can't imagine having to start a new job right now and I have a mortgage to pay. A day where I don't cry is a huge achievement right now. I've started having trouble sleeping which is rare for me, I'm more anxious, I'm back to hating myself. I feel hopeless and so mad at myself for not being able to cope with life like a "normal" person. Up until now I've still been able to do social things but that's getting too much for me now too. I've been limiting what I do for months because I'm very introverted and alone time has been important, but lately I've been lying to friends and saying I'm sick because it's just too hard to pretend I'm fine.

I can't see any way of changing anything about my current situation, but I'm just so tired right now. Coping with life has never been more exhausting - and yet logically I know I'm lucky and it could be so much worse. I feel trapped and alone, and I guess I know it'll get better once I start getting help, but it doesn't feel that way. I just don't know what to do in the meantime.

[JessF]

Hello sally,

You do sound very overwhelmed at the moment, and with few people to confide in your brain is working overtime with all sorts of thoughts. I see a lot of "shoulds" in your post: you should be able to cope, you should have been more honest with your boss, you should be catching up with your friends, you should be more grateful for what you have.

Anxiety makes things hard enough for us, but sometimes we can turn up the volume on ourselves by being our own worst critic. I hear that you want reassurance that things will be ok, and maybe you need to hear that from somebody else because it's so difficult to say this to yourself right now.

What I read from your post is someone who actually sounds very capable. Despite the crippling anxiety and guilt you're feeling, you have taken steps to reach out for professional help. That's a huge step. You've also taken time to join these forums and put your thoughts down into an order, so they're not just swirling around in your head. That's another huge step.

While you're waiting for those appointments to come up, now might be a good time to review your expectations of yourself. For example, your feelings about 'deceiving' your manager. It seems like you expect that you should have had a crystal ball a year ago and predicted that you would become unwell before taking the job. Is this a fair and reasonable thing to expect of yourself?

Your feelings about hating yourself because you can't cope with life like a "normal" person. Who is this "normal" person you're comparing yourself against? Think of how much you are hiding from the world so that others won't know you're not good right now. Do you think it might be fair and reasonable to think that many others are likely doing this too?

You're in a tough spot and you feel trapped and alone. I wonder if just choosing one of your friends to confide in might help you feel just a little bit less isolated. You may be surprised by how much they understand.

[Quercus]

Hello Sallybrown and welcome to the forums.

I'll start with the obvious which you said you needed...

You are going to get through this and you will be ok.

It sounds cliche. But like most people here I've been there where it feels overwhelming and hopeless. And it will pass eventually.

You're doing all the right things to help yourself by making your appointments. Support of friends and family and your work is crucial too though.

I understand feeling guilty and not wanting to burden or let others down but are there maybe one or two people you could reach out to? Isolating yourself I know oh too well. It is easier to be miserable alone than to take a risk and let friends see you in a vulnerable state. But people who love you will understand. You just have to ask for help.

Also... It's ok to be exhausted. Rather than thinking of quitting what about time off? Maybe your boss would consider letting you take a week off or even a few days? When you're on empty it is hard to see how you are going to cope with anything but for me that is usually exhaustion and depression speaking. Sleep is important and you mentioned not getting enough.

If your finances permit it how about taking time for you for a massage? Even a bath or soaking your feet. It is ok to care for yourself especially when you don't feel ok.

Sorry for my waffling. I feel for you because that time of waiting to feel well is very difficult.

Please feel free to search the forums and join in anywhere that feels right for you. We're all the same here, just trying to feel ok.

I hope you keep reaching out for support. It is going to be alright.

Nat