Partner died in an accident - not coping

[Rach94xx]

Hello,

my partner and I had been together for 5 years and he recently moved two hours away for work. I went and spent the weekend with him, we had a great time going hiking and making plans for me to move down and join him. Come Sunday I didn’t want to leave and cried but the thought I would be seeing him again in two weeks was comforting.

yesterday I was out when his dad came to the door and told my parents my partner had a motorbike accident and didn’t survive.

I feel completely sick I can’t sleep or eat. I keep picturing blood and shattered teeth and getting a choking sensation. The pain is unbelievable I can’t sfop sobbing. I keep thinking about him if I hadve stayed maybe I could’ve stopped this from happening.

I keep expecting to get a message and it be from him. Twenty minutes after the accident I sent him a ‘what are you up to today’ and got annoyed when I didn’t hear a response, 8 hours later I found out why. I feel completely guilty I want to feel him hug me again.

i honestly feel like I will never be happy again I just want him back I would do anything 😞

[Everything-Not-Zen]

Hey there,

Although I of course don’t know exactly what you are feeling, nobody does, I can certainly sympathise. I lost my partner in an awful accident in 2012. She was hit and killed by a negligent driver whilst pulled over in the emergency lane of a freeway attempting to retrieve something from the back seat of the car. We had been together for six years. I can hardly even remember the first few months following the incident as it is all just a blur. I experienced feelings and thoughts I never knew could exist and didn’t think I would ever be happy again either. But I got there eventually. Although I unfortunately can’t offer you anything that will take all of this away, I can offer you assurance that you WILL get through this and to share a little of what helped me. Talking would have to be right up there. Talking to friends and family, a professional, to your deceased loved one out loud... lots of talking. It helped me to just get a lot of stuff out. Process things. It felt good to talk about my loved one and hear of them. Simply not feeling or being alone with my thoughts with the risk of them going haywire and taking me with them was helped by talking. Distraction in general was the key. It still is. Trying to keep busy. For now though, just try and get through each day as best you can. Just breathe. Try and take care of yourself. Ask for and accept help. Ride the waves and try to keep calm. Things WILL get easier in time. It is all so very raw for you right now so just try not to neglect your basic needs and roll with it . There is no “right way” to do this and don’t let anyone, including yourself tell you otherwise. Try not to get lost in guilt. What happened was a horrible accident that was completely out of your control. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now and tell you in person that everything is going to be ok. I am living proof that it is. I never thought I would be in as good a place with it all as I am today. It will happen for you too. If you feel that things are getting too much, talk to your doctor and/or loved ones who can help you to access further support. Do not be ashamed. I am sending you and incredible amount of love and strength right now and I will be thinking of you. You did a great thing reaching out on here, hopefully what I have said and others may say is of even the slightest bit of help to you. You’ve got this.

[smallwolf]

Hi Rach94xx,

welcome to beyond blue.

I am truly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and nothing I can say take away any of the pain. And (possibly) because you only know what happened, your mind will take all sorts of turns 😞 May you rest in peace.

Beyond blue, Lifeline and other services all have excellent resources, and rather than me talking you might want to refer to these...

• https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss

• http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0390

• https://www.lifeline.org.au/static/uploads/files/lifeline-factsheet-03-grief-and-loss-wfhazcpdyovq.pdf

All that I will say is that healing takes time and different for everyone, and if you need professional help it is also available. If you want to talk here that is fine also. I am listening, if you want to talk here also.

Tim

[Keira2]

Hi Rach,

I'm really sorry to hear of your situation and I hope that you have lots of supportive and caring people around you. I think it is very good advise that you should not go through this alone and it could be a good idea for you to make a doctors appointment and speak to someone about what is going on, and to keep posting here whenever you need to. I'm sorry that I am not good with words, I wish that I could say something that would make you feel better.

In regards to your feeling of guilt, you shouldn't feel this way as you didn't know what had happened and you loved him, and that is what matters. If you reverse the situation you would not want him to feel guilty and you would want him to be okay. He would not want you to feel guilty and he would want you to be okay.

Keira

[Doolhof]

Hi Rach,

I've not experienced a loss quite like yours, but do have some experience in grief and loss, the death of loved ones. For me it was hard to watch the world continue on. I wanted people around me to stop laughing as it did not feel right for them to be happy.

The thing is, the world does not stop to allow us time to recover and adjust, we have to do that as life happens around us. People may same well meaning words that may hurt you deeply, please realise they are trying to help and don't mean to be cruel.

Let people know what you need. If you just want someone to sit with you let them know that. Tell them they don't have to fix it as they can't. Just having someone with you can help.

Hopefully in time you can work through your grief and especially your feelings of guilt.

Like others have mentioned, please seek out professional assistance as well as support from family and friends.

This is a safe place to share how you are feeling openly.

In time there will be days when the pain is not so intense and then out of the blue you may have a deeply emotional and painful day. That is all part of grief.

My heart goes out to you and all who are missing your loved one. Sincere condolences from Dools