Need to rant, and get advice

[rosemotion]

During every day, at every second, I feel dead.
I am always tired, I dread doing anything, I hate doing the things I used to love.
It seems that I have become a completely different person.
I cry for no reason, or over the most insignificant things.
A few of my friends know about this, as I have told them when I'm in my darkest times for some help. Most of them are kind and understanding, but I feel as if they don't really believe me.
They will offer their advice and try to relate it to themselves to make me feel like I am not alone, but it never works. Of course, I am more than grateful that they try their best to help me, but I just feel like a joke to them.
Sometimes, I also dissociate. Now this, I haven't told anyone. It's happened quite a few times, but there are only 2 instances I can think of where it's really impacted me. One of them lasted for over 3 days.

I don't really know where I'm going with this thread, I just felt like I needed to get this out even if it doesn't make sense.
I just want to have a day where I am genuinely happy and feel loved. I don't want to be stuck like this forever, and even though I'm only 15, it feels like this is never going to change.
I think I'll just have to keep pushing all my mental struggles to the side, because I'm nearly an adult and apparently that is more important to focus on then my feelings now.
I don't know who I am or why I am even here, because the sadness and intrusive thoughts fog my mind and I can't bring myself to focus on anything else.
I don't know what to do, I just want it to stop. I want to feel normal. I want to look back on these years and feel like I have actually had a childhood, not just wish I had one.
Everything seems pointless when I just have these overwhelming feelings that won't let me focus on anything else.

[kleo78]

Hi Rose,

I just wanted to comment cause your post spoke to me. You reminded me so much of myself at 15. At 15 I was miserable, with un-diagnosed depression and did feel like nobody related to me at all, they tried to help but in the end I did get the feeling that I was too much work. I did lose friends during that time. That was more than 20 years ago for me but I still understand it. I realise now that I needed some help, that my friends were just not equipped to deal with someone with major depression. It took till I was 17 before my GP actually saw the signs and got me some help. That GP I think saved my life, is there anyone like a GP that you could maybe talk to?

[WhiteBear]

Hi rosemotion,

Thank you for posting. I certainly understand how you're feeling, and so would most of the people on this forum. Life can be a drain at times. Everyone goes through challenging times. I know I do. I've suffered depression for nearly 20 years. It took me that long to realise that being a materialist was making me miserable. I was constantly looking for something in the outside world to make me happy. Sometimes I would get what I was looking for, but most of the time I would just the same old boring life. Once I started focusing on the positive things in my life, and ignoring the negative, real change started to happen. I know it must be difficult to think this way now, but I'm sure you'll realise that there is certainly more to life than feeling miserable. Look into ways to change your inner health first.

Wish you all the best.

WB

[therising]

Hi rosemotion

I believe unless a person has experienced depression they can't fully understand the life changing impact it can have. It's not just about feeling trapped in a torturous mindset, it's also about chemistry. Low levels of oxytocin (relating to 'love/bonding'), serotonin (relating to 'happiness') and dopamine (relating to a sense of 'reward') can bring about feelings of disconnection, sadness and lack of motivation. From a holistic angle, when the mind impacts the body the spirit (our sense of connection to life) can be heavily impacted. We are definitely complex creatures, especially when thoughts feed chemistry and chemistry goes on to feed thoughts! We can feel stuck in what seems like a never ending cycle. As most who have experienced long term depression will tell you, don't wait when it comes to seeking help from someone who understands the complexities. Whether you start with a parent, your school counselor or trusted GP (for a referral to a mental health professional), the important thing remains that you seek guidance and support in regard to navigating depression. It's a tough road to navigate alone.

By the way, I mentioned to someone just the other day that 3 of the toughest times in life typically happen around the ages of 15, 45 and 75. Whilst some may point to a 15yo as being 'difficult or challenging', a 45yo as having 'a mid-life crisis meltdown' and a 75yo as being 'old and complaining', I believe these labels to be ignorant and destructive. What all 3 can have in common is a crisis of identity. As a 15yo seeks out an identity independent from their parents and with the influence of a challenging society filled with destructive beliefs, finding a constructive sense of identity can be more than simply challenging. As a 45yo looks back on what they've done and where they've been, unless they're 'on track' the future can look unfulfilling and perhaps hopeless. And unless a 75yo adapts to changes of identity that come with retirement, losing friends and an aging body etc, the question may become 'What's the point?' All 3 stages share common questions:

• Who am I?
• Why am I here?
• What's my purpose?
• Where do I go from here?

On top of it all, these stages will typically be impacted by natural changes in chemistry. Needless to say, our identity/belief systems will also be challenged when we face certain traumas in life.

Strange when you think about it but one thing we are rarely ever taught is how to be our most authentic self.

Take care

[Greymonkey]

Hey Rose motion,

I was suffering from depression at age 15. I had had a pretty uncomfortable childhood for a sensitive child and didn't know how to be comforted in it.

I ended up turning to marijuana to repress the pain for many many years and now at 38 it's all coming out again.

I want to give you the advice I wish I had given myself:

- don't turn to drugs or alcohol or tobacco. This will make things much much worse in the future.

- if you have a school counsellor go see them. See them regularly. Open up and share everything with them and ask for real help.

- if there is no counsellor at school see if you can get your parents to help you see a psychotherapist or a psychologist who practices psychotherapy.

- learn to meditate

- look up Teal Swan on YouTube and watch her videos (I'm not the biggest fan yet I think it could probably really help you)

It's important to find the help you can now while you are still young.

Wishing you all the best