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Part 3 Crisis Update
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Hi aallI was supposed to see a Pyschiatrist at the local hospital yesterday as part of the acute team. But my taxi never turned up & the Dr couldn't wait so now I have to wait to see him next week.
I am extremely low, still struggling with overwhelming thoughts of survival. My husband who had stayed working in NZ last week came home Thursday night. He usually works at home Friday but yesterday he went into work. He is returning to NZ tomorrow for another week. He really doesn't understand. He is asking me things like what will be for dinner each night-I can't even think of dinner. I'm trying to cope in half hour blocks.
I don't know & I'm worried how to organise the kids for school this week. And next weekend my husband and I are meant to be staying down South Coast for a wedding. He seems to think I can just go back to feeling normal whenever I'm needed. But I can't. And I almost wish to go to hospital to have a break to get support for me. But that won't happen.
I'm noticing I'm getting more anxious & afraid when I think of things I should have done ie pay bills & can't face anything at moment. Has anyone just had an acute reaction to depression that comes out of nowhere & takes over your thoughts & you can't identify a trigger? Because I've had depression & anxiety for years & usually I can tell I'm feeling low, know deep down what the triggers were & knew the type of support I needed. In such cases yes things may go by the wayside but I focus on something like reading which I usually love & I escape into that when I'm feeling low.
But this time I can't concentrate to read, have zero interest in anything & feel so immobilised by my fear that I barely get through the day usually by reading on Beyond Blue.
I cannot face people & couldn't imagine at all going out or doing anything I'd usually be able to do. I have also never previously considered hurting myself as my kids are everything to me, so they are a kind of safety net & I'd never ever do anything because I'd rather suffer through the depression than do something that would destroy them & I could never hurt them or leave them.
Yet like the other things I've mentioned, this is the first time that my pain & out of control thoughts are stronger than my usual safety net (my kids). It's the first time ever that the thoughts are stronger than my ability to survive for my kids. The out of control thoughts tell me they would be better off long term rather than having a mother in this state & my husband could meet someone else. That in itself is proof of my current state of mind. I'm not "me" at the moment.
I really hope to see a psych ASAP. I'd be interested if anyone has ever had a similar situation-where severe depression just comes from nowhere & you feel completely out of control of your thoughts & feel terrified by being out of control, especially the thoughts of not wanting to continue-existence issues. Any similar experiences would be appreciated.
So to sum up-I'm in an awful place but I'm holding on by reminding myself next week will hopefully provide more support & some changes in treatment-therefore helping me out of the current situation. I can't say thank you enough for reading, replying & being my main support at this time. My heart goes out to all experiencing a difficult time-you remain in my thoughts. Mares xxx
'beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.'
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Hi Mares
I feel so bad for you … you are doing it so damn tough at the moment. And because you’re in such an awful low place, I really don’t think it’d be wise (or good) for you to push yourself at this current time. Are you able to run these things that you’ve posted here past your acute team? See what their opinion is? Also tell them that there is a wedding that is on this weekend and I’m assuming that you wouldn’t be feeling comfortable in going, yes?? I would think that they wouldn’t want you to be exposed to such a social occasion like this just now?
When is your husband back? Does he know that you’ve got the assistance of the acute team working with you? I really believe that if your husband wants to go to the wedding then (a) he should go (b) he shouldn’t expect you to go and (c) he should get out there and buy the present.
I’m sorry if that came across as being too blunt … but it’s your health and welfare that I’m really concerned about … as are so many of us on here.
Please take care Maresy
Neil
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Hi all, I just got a phone call from the Acute Team & I have an appointment with their Pyschiatrist at 10am tomorrow. That's good news. They also said to keep my appointment with my own private Pysch on Thursday at 1pm. I'm just holding on, feel sick about how I'm feeling & the thoughts I'm having. On own with kids again this week. Neil-I have a 9yr ok'd son Luke and a 14yr old daughter Sinead (and I named her after Sinead oConnor). Neil-whilst I was answering your question about their ages, I just thought I'd popin a short note for you-you are in my thoughts & heart & despite the terrible place your in at the moment, I just want to remind you how very special & inspirational you are. I started a new thread called "Avoidance & Selfesteem issues" as I myself have issues around avoidance I'm going to need to deal with at some point & I've also noticed you too have referred to it occasionally in your posts. And Selfesteem-where do I start-for myself I've always had low confidence & easily blame myself for anything & everything. Having little confidence contributes so much to our issues with depression. I so easily can convince myself I'm a failure, despite being told my children are the most beautiful, responsible kids at their schools & the principal wishes all kids were like mine. And I do homework with them & I don't know if you've heard of the national NAPLAN testing-but both my kids come way above the top band & in other national testing my son is in the top 10% nationally in English & maths-ASIs my daughter. I taught them to read young & gave them the gift of a love of reading & they are now avid readers, reading books well above their age group. And then their was my former job where I was the youngest Director ever in the education sector. That's just a few examples of things I should have felt good about, but instead I felt I wasn't good enough. I'm more critical of myself than anyone could ever be. I can get so low about myself I feel hopeless & that creates a sense that there is no hope for my recovery. Feeling alone, isolated & experiencing constant mind battles with thoughts of being a hopeless failure is an awful place to be. You are an incredibly intelligent, insightful, caring & generous friend with a great sense of humour as well. You are a constant source of support & hope for so many people on this site. I look up to you Neil, you help inspire me & give me strength. But for now I really want you to do the same things for yourself. If you would like me to send you an hourly msg of your brilliant attributes I'd be happy to do so. You are very special Neil-you mean very much-more than words can describe-to me. I'm holding onto tomorrow. Can you let me know what's your plan or how your getting through each day at the moment? Only when your up to it. I'm concerned & send you big hug. X Mares
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Hi Mares
I am glad that you are seeing a psych tomorrow morning. That is good news. I'm worried about you Mares being on your own with your two children. You sound like you are a great mum to your kids, be proud of that.
I wish I could be with you right now, to help you and comfort you. So I'm sending you a big warm hug.
Pls stay safe, thinking of you
Jo xxx
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Hey Maresy,
Was awesome to hear back from you (as it always is) ... and it's not just me and Jo who are so concerned for you ... but everybody who is on Beyond Blue and who have read what you're dealing with and going through - we're all there with you (electronically - sounds corny, but you do know it's true)
Mares, the words you write about me and describe me as feels like I'm a different person and to be honest, I get embarrassed hearing things like that. But I can tell you that those words you write, I really do appreciate reading them and it does make me sit and think about things. Makes me think about what I'm actually doing with my life. Here I am doing this kind of stuff, that I get so involved in and really enjoy doing - kind of helping out where I can (and I'm just like so many others on here), whereas during the day I'm just a mild-mannered desk jockey (that's an upbeat term for an administrative type person in the public service) where I contribute nothing to society and feel just crap each and every day. But whoa, I've digressed again ... I'll continue this on that other post that you created, cause this is YOUR post Maresy.
When you wrote your post I guess when you said your psych session was tomorrow, but that would now mean today, wouldn't it? And if that's the case, when you wrote that, that would have been yesterday and also if you're reading this now, which is today, then your GP appointment must be tomorrow. Is that right????? 🙂 🙂
Either way, I'm so pleased that you've got both these VERY important sessions coming up. I so hope that you can cover as many issues as possible and that they make you feel a little better in the mind when you come out of them. I do hope that they're booking you in for follow up ones as well?
You've mentioned Sinead is after the singer, was Luke because you were a fan of Star Wars? 😉 😉 😉 those are cheeky winks, some might think I've got a twitch in my eye, but no, not on this occasion. You should be so damned proud of what your children are accomplishing ... and by seeing what they're achieving please please know that they're doing so well due to the effort you made and still make to be the absolute best mum you can be. And it shines through with not only how they're doing, but also when you write about them, I can sense a great feeling of pride that you have for what they have done. It's really wonderful to hear.
And as Jo finished off, I'll do the same: Please stay safe and KNOW that we are thinking of you
Kind regards
Neil
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