Part 3 Crisis Update

[Mares73]

Hi aallI was supposed to see a Pyschiatrist at the local hospital yesterday as part of the acute team. But my taxi never turned up & the Dr couldn't wait so now I have to wait to see him next week.

I am extremely low, still struggling with overwhelming thoughts of  survival. My husband who had stayed working in NZ last week came home Thursday night. He usually works at home Friday but yesterday he went into work. He is returning to NZ tomorrow for another week. He really doesn't understand. He is asking me things like what will be for dinner each night-I can't even think of dinner. I'm trying to cope in half hour blocks.

I don't know & I'm worried how to organise the kids for school this week. And next weekend my husband and I are meant to be staying down South Coast for a wedding. He seems to think I can just go back to feeling normal whenever I'm needed. But I can't. And I almost wish to go to hospital to have a break to get support for me. But that won't happen.

I'm noticing I'm getting more anxious & afraid when I think of things I should have done ie pay bills & can't face anything at moment. Has anyone just had an acute reaction to depression that comes out of nowhere & takes over your thoughts & you can't identify a trigger? Because I've had depression & anxiety for years & usually I can tell I'm feeling low, know deep down what the triggers were & knew the type of support I needed. In such cases yes things may go by the wayside but I focus on something like reading which I usually love & I escape into that when I'm feeling low.

But this time I can't concentrate to read, have zero interest in anything & feel so immobilised by my fear that I barely get through the day usually by reading on Beyond Blue.

I cannot face people & couldn't imagine at all going out or doing anything I'd usually be able to do. I have also never previously considered hurting myself as my kids are everything to me, so they are a kind of safety net & I'd never ever do anything because I'd rather suffer through the depression than do something that would destroy them & I could never hurt them or leave them.

Yet like the other things I've mentioned, this is the first time that my pain & out of control thoughts are stronger than my usual safety net (my kids).  It's the first time ever that the thoughts are stronger than my ability to survive for my kids. The out of control thoughts tell me they would be better off long term rather than having a mother in this state & my husband could meet someone else. That in itself is proof of my current state of mind. I'm not "me" at the moment.

I really hope to see a psych ASAP. I'd be interested if anyone has ever had a similar  situation-where severe depression just comes from nowhere & you feel completely out of control of your thoughts & feel terrified by being out of control, especially the thoughts of not wanting to continue-existence issues. Any similar experiences would be appreciated.

So to sum up-I'm in an awful place but I'm holding on by reminding myself next week will hopefully provide more support & some changes in treatment-therefore helping me out of the current situation. I can't say thank you enough for reading, replying & being my main support at this time. My heart goes out to all experiencing a difficult time-you remain in my thoughts. Mares xxx

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[Jo3]

Hi Mares

God I wish I could help you, even just being with you for you.  You are in such a bad place at the moment.  But just remember that you have your safety net (your children) they mean the world to you and they need you. Okay maybe at the moment you are really struggling but hopefully in a little while you will feel a little bette and then you can be a mum for them.  Pls don't do anything to yourself - your kids need a mum.

Mares, I'm sorry I am in a fragile place at the moment, my depression seems to be worse at the minute.  My GP has suggested i see a psychiatrist to review my meds.

Mares, I just want to say pls hang in there, next week will be better as you can see your psych.  But for the mean time, pls take it easy.

I just wish your husband was a tiny bit understanding of the situation and how you're feeling.

I am sending you a big warm hug, sending you my thoughts and prayers that you will be okay.  We are all here for you Mares, to support you.

I am here for you anytime, you need to chat.

Take care

Jo xx

[Chris D]

Hi Mares,

Sorry i haven't posted anything for a while. What you are going through is very tough, i know i have been there and still go there on occasions.

You may not be thinking this but there is hope for you and everyone else. I have FAITH in you i know you can get through this rough patch.

Regarding people not understanding, i get that feeling to with some of my family members. I know they mean well but in the end until they go through it themselves i don't think they will ever fully understand.

I send my SUPPORT, ENCOURAGEMENT, INSPIRATION, HOPE, FAITH AND BELIEF to you as i know you will get through this, just takes time. it can be fustrating at times but you just have to hang in there.

You will make it, it will be ok.

one big hug coming your way.

Kind Regards

Chris

[Neil_1]

Hi Maresy

It's not getting any better for you is it?  😞  😞  

Taking things in half hour block chunks is a good way to break things down.  Little steps, that's an excellent idea.

I so hope you are doing the right things by yourself - the basic things Maresy, like eating and drinking.  It doesn't have to anything major, but just nibble on bits along the way ... some fruit is always good.  A sandwich.   Cups of tea, rather than coffee is better and the elixer of life, water.  Taking in water is so important and it can really have an effect on your mood, if you haven't had enough.

The questions you've asked, I'm sorry Mares, but I can't relate or even have a go at answering them ... but I hope someone can come along and relate to those for you.

As Jo said, your kids are the safety net.  Always be thinking of them, when you're feeling low.

I'm thinking of you Mares, please take care.  And write here as often as you like.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mares,

 I am so very sorry for the pain you are in. I have been reading your posts, sometime replying ,most times silently praying for your recovery.

Unfortunately 2 years ago I experienced exactly what you are going through. Having battled and coped ( kinda)  with depression for a few years out of the blue everything was worst case scenario.

I could barely function, and like you just the daily tasks were so huge to contemplate I just didn't. My husband had little or no patience with my situation , sure that I could just snap out of it if I really wanted to.

I was too terrified to go out but didn't know what I was scared of. My two children while older than yours were also my safety net against taking that final step, but I began to shut them out and avoid being around them.

 All I can remember of my 'break with reality' is calling my psychologist.

I was in my bedroom pacing back and forth and sobbing hysterically. I was inconsolable and couldn't even tell her what was wrong. Luckily for me she had been treating me and was aware of my situation. She rang my GP and I was admitted to hospital within hours.

Mares I am no expert but sometimes your needs have to come first. You need expert support and this made be best in hospital. While it was a scary prospect being in hospital I can also tell you the relief I felt at just letting everything go , no responsibilities, no excuses, no masks no holding back  all those emotions currently choking you was a huge relief- huge!

To be surrounded by caring professional people who can not only empathise with your situation but  give you the time and attention you need is so reassuring .

If you can make sure your kids can be looked after so you won't worry I think this is something maybe you should consider.

Please consider your options Mares

I and many others who have been in your shoes are proof that things can get better.

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares,

I know it how it can feel when the waves start washing over and breaking down all the dmas and walls you have put up to stop it. Everything feels so hard, like wading through water. Wha'ts worse is those negative thoughts feed on the fact that they have won, if even for a little while and get stronger. The circle continues until you find yourself in a place you just don't recognise any more.

It hard to fight back those urges Mares, but try think of your kids and the good times you have had with them. The negative thoughts will tell you can't recreate those times and that you can't help them right now bt you can. You are same person that made them laugh and smile before.

If you have done it once, you can do it again.

If you feel like you just can't make it to your next appointment and you need to talk to someone now, please call the number at the top of the page. Don't ever feel like you are bringing us down, we want to help you and support you.

Thinking of you,

GA

[geoff]

dear Mares, there are a couple of issues that are really confronting you and are not making your illness any better.

How on earth would you know what the meals are the week, you can't project your thinking into being able to rationalise this train of thought, it's impossible and even if you did have them organised your thought process would completely change them, because we are strong enough to do this.

I do fear for you at the progress of going to this wedding, sure we can put on a fake face, but I think that you are passed pretending, because it's now a critical matter.

I don't believe that you should go to it, because you are out of your home boundaries, your bed and away from your security blanket and that's the children, and I'm not certain how far you have to travel, and if it's by road with your husband, then that's a definite NO-NO, because the issue of your condition and your depression will be a continual talking point, and with all of this it will certainly only make you feel worse, and that's what you don't want.

So between now and the wedding your anxiety and depression are only going to get worse, so how about telling your husband that you won't be able to go, there will be some rants and rave from him, but in the long run it will be better for you.

Another option is to be admitted to hospital, and this can easily happen by telling someone ( Lifeline) that you aren't well, so this is making me think of -------------.

If this does happen then you will able to talk to a psych, another new person, but even so, this new person may have a magic formula which will help you.

This is no different if you need a tradesman and your regular chap can't come until next week, but it's an urgent job, so you ring another tradesman, and bingo he's much better than your original guy.

Have a thought about all of this and please get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Mares73]

It's "Australia day" or "invadition day" depending on your opinion. Firstly Stressless-thank you for your ongoing support when your not well. Jo-ill always be there, Chris-such a lovely message as I've never heard back from you. Geoff you always give me advice, support & insight & I can't thank you enough for your friendship. And Neil-I hope you know by now how much I care & how special you are to me & others even if you don't feel it. Actually that applies to all of you. When the acute team visited last week & were concerned about my isolation & the fact I'd lost touch with any friends-I told them I had friends like you who were more supportive & caring & helpful than anything else I'd ever experienced. You guys are my support base & whilst I so wish I could talk to you, at least we can communicate here. Apart from acute team you are my only support at present & so I can't thank you enough for your care & often your practical advice (Geoff is a great guide for me). Oh & GA thank you. I appreciate everyone on this community but you guys are like a core group always there for me & it means the world to me. Geoff I don't want to intrude but you are such a wise person-could you share some ways you reached a point of some recovery? Oh that's probably an inappropriate, intrusive question-I'm sorry Geoff. Ignore that. So where I'm at-husband came hm for wend then returned to NZ last night. He left me alone most of wend-said he under enough pressure & can't help me. He behaved as though nothing was happening, ie asking me to get wedding gift for wedding we supposed to go to next weekend, asked me to plan the weeks meals, told me there was nothing to be really concerned about as I've had depression before & ill just be back to normal in a few days if I force myself to go out & do home duties as well. He couldn't understand I've felt unable to go out for the past week due to the state I'm in. I'm finding it hard to even get dressed each day. I can't handle right now the overwhelming feelings of responsibilities & going out anywhere. I'm barely coping by getting through the day in half-hour blocks. I can't concentrate so I can't read as I would usually do. So I'm currently getting by each day by going on here (BB website), flicking through magazines & looking up medications & different resources on depression on the computer. The acute team just phoned & said the Pysch would be in tomorrow morning & they would update him on how I described I was feeling & try get me an appt ASAP. I was in tears speaking to them & they were concerned I was by myself with the kids. But I don't have anyone to visit & I explained the bad thoughts of now wanting to be here were occurring generally when I felt overwhelmed by responsibility or when I felt desperate that I'd always feel this way ie I couldn't handle being so frightened that I'd remain in my current state & felt hopeless that I would remain in my current state of mind. That is what's frightening me because the thought of not being here was like a relief compared to the fear of a life like the current state I'm in. So the goal is to get through today & hopefully get some news tomorrow about seeing the Pysch -so I'm holding on purely by constantly reassuring myself that tomorrow will hopefully bring good news about support & seeing the Pysch. That is my thought to keep hold of-tomorrow will bring news to give me hope that things will change & that it might be the start of feeling a bit better. Or give me hope that support is coming & will help me out of my current state of mind. So I just need to get through the day & the acute team said to try not to think of anything else ie responsibilities today. They said nothing is that important that it can't wait. To try block out thoughts of what I should do & focus completely on me & doing things to help get through the day. That advice helped with the overwhelming feelings. I'm just going to do small things about me only. So that's the latest update & ill post tomorrow when I have further news. Thank you for your support-I don't have the right words to describe how much it means to me. And I realise each of you are dealing with your own pain or  difficulties. So my heart goes out to each of you & I really do think of you & send my love, support & hope that each of you get support & feel hope again soon. Love Mares xxx

[Neil_1]

Oh Maresy,

I've tried 3 or 4 starts to this post and each time, I've gone and deleted, cause the words aren't flowing to me, like I want them too.

It's a brilliant post that you've put together with so much information, and so many heart felt thoughts from you.  You've expressed how much we mean to you, but I just want to play some tennis here with you and I'm hitting a forehand winner into your court by saying right back to you, that you mean incredibly so much to all of us as well.

And though you've got wonderful little sparks of positiveness trying to break through, it concerns me so much with the attitude that your husband is displaying.  I don't want to overstep the mark here, but holy smoke, cannot he see how distressed you are??  You deserve so much support and compassion and it breaks my heart to hear that you're getting none of this from your husband.  I'll stop now before I go too far with this.

Mares, I have probably asked this way before, but my memory is like a sieve ... how old are your children?

It's been wonderful that the acute team have been in regular contact with you and have provided you with some sound advice to help you get through this immediate time.

But you you know, you could have come here ... I would have responded with things like going to K-Mart to get the game of "tiddlywinks" ... can you believe that;  it only just popped into my mind so I thought I'd write it in.  Yes, as a youngster, I did play it but for the life of me, I wouldn't have a clue now how too.

Thoughts of naked twister, but whoa ... that's for another website at another time.

Maresy, how are you doing right now????   No doubt crap ... but I hope my post has done something, even a small giggle or even feelings of nausea with the naked twister suggestion.

I'm so pleased that you've got some professional support coming up in the next day or two and those little glimpses of a small shining light with you saying that you've got some hope and holding on for just a little something tomorrow.

Tiny steps Maresy ... and I know you know that already, but hey, I just hope that you can feel that there's a whole bunch of us walking right beside you as you go forward ever so slowly ... all arms linked around each other as we just take one step forward at a time.

My thoughts are with you Mares,

Neil

🙂

[Mares73]

Hi all, another bad day . I can't seem to pick clothes to wear & go out & buy a wedding present my husband needs  & I'm waiting to hear from acute team. I hate this feeling that I can'tt go out. I need to do things but I feel so low & can't seem to get it together to go out.  What to do? Do I force myself somehow? Feel so low don't want to leave house but is that ok when I feel this low or should I be forcing myself to do things? Please I hope & pray I get some improvement soon. Very down & feel exposed, vulnerable & ashamed. Mares xxx