overwhelmed by life

[nurse-36]

Hi, this is my first post here. It is 3 am,  & I can't sleep.

Life is pretty darn hard at the moment.

I am on the recovery side of extreme workplace bullying. An entire team of managers at work were bullied to breaking point. Following a period of investigation that lasted 5 months, the CEO (bully) was given the opportunity to resign- which she did. She left a parting shot email telling me I cry too much, & people don't respect me as a nurse.

Through this process I have developed depression and anxiety. I have severe insommnia. I fall asleep ok, but as soon as i wake up i have work shit and rambling thoughts going on. I have gained 15 kg in a year, & lived on 2 minute noodles and popcorn. I thought once the bully was gone things would improve - & they have, but not to the extent I had hoped.

Each time I experience a stressor, I have these horrific visualisations. They can be relatively minor stresses that trigger these thoughts, and can happen anywhere - work, supermarket, while I'm on a walk. This started during the bullying process, but hasn't gone away.

I live in a very isolated rural town. Bully lives here still- she moved house and now lives around the corner from me. She drives a very distinctive car, if i see it on the street, i feel very overwhelmed. Recently i was in New Zealand & saw the same make and model car. I freaked out, & had to do some serious self talk to calm down.

There is not much opportunity for good mental health support here.

My partner says she understands,  but when she asks how I'm feeling, & I am honest with her she tells me to stop talking - I know this is because it upsets her.

I can't seem to make decisions, relationship is suffering greatly, sex is non existent,  everything is just too hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and wonder if I would have the courage to just drive & keep going. I don't know where I would go, or how I would survive, & that unknown is probably the only thing that keeps me from going.

I got back to work yesterday after holidays, & the first conversation I had with the acting CEO essentially centred around how much better things had been while I was away. I am being performance managed now because of that. I am at a total loss on what to do to keep going.

I have a friend who tells me I need to sit in this pain and reflect on it to understand. The thought of doing that makes me physically sick - I don't think I can bear the rawness of it

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[geoff]

dear Nurse, welcome to the site, and I have to say that I've seen many different nurses in the last fortnight, but this isn't about me it's your post.

'I have a friend who tells me I need to sit in this pain and reflect on it to understand', well that's fine only if you know how to handle it or at least know how depression can affect you, otherwise it's only going to get you upset, and then this terrible sarga will only continue along.

Bullying in the workplace is not permitted and is a reportable offence, but now as she has left then whether you want to carry through with doing anything is up to, but it would mean time, effort and money and perhaps it would be a long legal slog.

The new acting CEO has probably found out what happened last time and if this is the case then you should be given some counselling which you are entitled to.

Just a suggestion I would find a doctor where you work, one that you can trust, so that they begin the process for help, and write down what happens to you good and bad just in case you decide to take legal action.

I maybe sticking my head out by saying this, it's just a precaution.

Look forward to hearing back from you.  L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi there nurse

Thank you for providing this post and I’d also like to say welcome to you, to Beyond Blue.

Your 2nd para nailed your situation beautifully – “Life is pretty darn hard at the moment”.

As you’re only new here you won’t know my stand on bullies, but I’ve said many times that they are the flotsam of life;  just low level scum-sucking mud dwellers.  And if there’s any justice in this world, that one day they will “get theirs” and get it in metric-tonnes full.

So they have gone, but they aren’t overly that far away, which is not the overall best scenario for you.

And to hear of how things are now at your work is again, not what would have you jumping out of bed each day to be keen to get to work either.  And to top things off, I don’t think your friend’s advice was overly helpful either.  To sit in your pain and basically wallow in it – I don’t think that would be helpful at all.

Ok, so without going down any path about how to try to remedy your current situation, I’m going to ask something out of left field here and will await your response.

Nurse, with all that’s happened and how things are now, my I ask what is “holding” you to stay where you are??  You mentioned about driving and going somewhere else, etc – was that just a pipe-dream or was it laced with certain amounts of seriousness, because I think it could be something to really consider.   Obviously the big thing here to do would be to speak with your partner about this.  Being a nurse, I believe should hold you in good stead in being able to secure work at a new location;  especially if the place is larger than where you currently are.  And on top of that, a larger place would also have hopefully ample opportunity for you to seek out appropriate mental health access for yourself.

Also remember here though, that this is just something that I’ve come up with – so easy for me to write this, but just thought I’d put it out there in the first instance.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

[nurse-36]

Hi,

Thanks for your replies.

Things are very much like a roller coaster at the moment. As soon as I start to feel ok, something happens to make me feel bad.

Things came to flash point at home. An argument about emptying a bin turned into partner walking out, & me cutting off my hair in hysterical fit. Partner came back eventually. By that point all my clothes were in garbage bags so it would be easier for her to drop them off at the op shop.

Partner said she wants to finish it completely. We both cried for an entire night, & talked honestly & completely for the first time in a long time. She is still here, but now have the added fear it could be over at any point in time.

Work is not much better. Went to a course about mediation - which was fantastic & helped me do some reflection & identification of some of my issues. Received an email from my doc that night stating I needed to have tests the following day - that would require the whole day. I made text contact with CEO - which is the preferred method..got a response saying ok, but not ok to tell me at 7pm. I stewed on that of course. Escalated to anxiety & avoidance when after all day tests the Doc said right you need to be in city on tuesday for more tests. When was I meant to tell the CEO, it was after hours on the Friday night of a long weekend? I was embarrassed by her response & anxious about upsetting her again, so I didn't mention it at all. Partner made contact on Sunday to talk to her - concerned for my wellbeing - & told her then.

Went to tests on tuesday, back to work wednesday. In the CEO office for performance management letter. It was 3 pages telling me I can't do my job.

 In your responses you asked why do I stay? I stay because I can't handle the prospect of being a victim again.Bullied at school for being the fat weird kid, bullied in nearly every workplace I've been in - nurses can be lovely to their patients and frigging horrific to one another - there is a whole plethora of research into nurse bullying by nurses, domestic violence relationship, cheater relationship. I feel like a total victim when I am now adding anxiety disorder-depression to the list - caused by another bully. I'm 36. At some point I should be able to feel safe, & not like I need to run away to feel better. 

 Now i hear "you're a different person" where is happy lively nurse gone?

Please hear me. I am not a different person.  I am still nurse,  just with some more life experience.  I am still me....

[Neil_1]

Hi there nurse

I was going to say, great to hear back from you, but then thought, by saying that, it’s good that you’re here, because if you’re here, then things aren’t perhaps so flash in your world at the moment, so then I thought, that maybe I shouldn’t think anymore.  And you know what, I feel better for it.

Your work situation sounds truly horrible – not only via the top (the CEO and that awful letter), but also with the other nurses who you work with.   Are there no places to go to that you can report such awful behaviour (and bullying?)  ?

So it now appears that the way to progress with this is to fight them?   I guess which is why I asked whether you’ve got a Human Resources area that might be able to come in to bat for you and provide you with necessary support and back-up?

Kind regards

Neil