Opening up for the first time

[Unprocessed-Feelings]

To the outside world I’m a happy 23 year old who excels at my work and is well known to the community. Yet the sad reality is my life is not the picture people perceive and I’ve never opened up about it to anyone just pieces to my partner of 3 years. I have a mentally abusive family which have always treated me like garbage and to think I only have 3 more months till we move out yet the damage is done. If I’m alone at home after work I literally just cry and dwell on the past, and think about how unhappy I am. It’s got to the point where I consider taking my life and when expressed to my family was told “we don’t have time for this” nobody understands how it feels to be so unhappy so here i am. I’ve mastered the whole paint a smile on as nobody would ever suspect it yet why can i maintain a happy existence? I work so hard but i think the main issue is i overthink to the point where I create enough scenarios for every little thing so i can pick outcomes so I’m not surprised when they happen. Too much overthinking has ruined my life and recently even hear things which are clearly voices in my head. I cannot afford physiologists and would probably be deemed as schizophrenic. I’m not a danger to anyone else but fear my anxiety and depression will one day turn into anger…. I’ve tried to put myself first yet am perceived as being selfish. Do you think once I escape the grasp of my family i will truly be happy? Move into new house with parter around early October but fear the constant pressure of bills and money stress will become the new triggers. Why must life be so harsh and unforgiving? 

[tranzcrybe]

Happiness is yours for the taking.
But first comes the groundwork to establish its making.
Leaving your parents' abusive control is a start but not much use if they retain space in your head 24/7.
Changing your life - partner, house, lifestyle - might paper over the cracks but any stressors (financial matters as you mentioned) can see feelings resurface quickly.
Finding acceptance and forgiveness for all the wrong can release you from the pain - might even change your relationship with family once their words/behaviour no longer have any effect on you.
But this resides within you, not them or anyone else.
Perhaps it can be possible to support others even when they are unsupportive in return.
Who benefits more: the provider or the recipient?

[indigo22]

Hello Unprocessed-Feelings,

Thank you for having the courage to open up, I am sorry to hear how low you are feeling at the moment.

I can relate to quite a lot of what you have described. I grew up in a dysfunctional family also and I know it is not easy to function in that environment. I also expressed my thoughts about not wanting to be here to my parents and got no help either. I am in my 60s now but was not diagnosed with depression until I was in my 40s so a lot of damage was done before I got help. I would like to help you not make the same mistakes I did when I was young so I will share some thoughts that I hope will help you.

The first thing you should look at doing is talking to your GP about what is happening and ask for a referral for some counselling. There are options through Medicare that would be a good start. There are also counsellors that can help that are not psychologists or psychiatrists, I went to a social worker for my counselling. It is more about how comfortable you feel with the person and how open you feel you can be with them.

Educating yourself on depression and anxiety would also be very helpful so you can monitor yourself and recognise the triggers for your moods.

An important thing you must do going forward is to start questioning everything, behaviours, thoughts, moods, etc. For example; if you are feeling inadequate or insecure about something, ask yourself "is this really how I feel about myself or have I learned this from someone else's actions or words". If you dig deep enough you will often find is coming from ingrained conditioning over the years. The aim of the exercise is to uncover who you really are, how you really feel, what you really think once you have removed the conditioning from family, teachers, friends etc. I hope this makes sense  to you but if not let me know. We are not born with insecurities or anxiety so if we have them now, there is always a reason and it is usually a learned behaviour. Loving yourself is not selfish, you are every bit as important as every other person on the planet. Please come back to this post and talk some more when you ever you wish, you are not alone.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi Unprocessed-Feelings

My heart truly goes out to you as you struggle with what feels so depressing and sometimes anxiety inducing. Such a torturous state to constantly be in. I'm so glad you've trusted in what's led you to come here. Here amongst the forums are people who are managing or have managed to some degree to make so much sense of their feelings, thoughts, emotions and possible ways forward. You're amongst good company 🙂

It's so tormenting being surrounded by people who say, in one way or another, 'We don't have time to help you work out how you feel or why you're feeling life the way you are'. With so many hundreds of different feelings to be experienced/felt in life, there can be a sense of desperation when it comes to finding out what the less obvious ones are. The feeling of 'Completely lost with no sense of direction' or the feeling of 'Being left alone to work things out for our self' or the feeling of 'Not knowing exactly how to live' are just a few examples. Once they're identified you can find your 'go to' people who are good for helping manage each specific feeling. Personally I have a couple of key guides in life when it comes to feeling 'Completely lost...', as well as guides who relate to other feelings, such as 'Deeply feeling the intense need for adventure', especially when I'm down.

Not exactly sure whether you're hearing actual voices or simply words that come to mind that seem like voices. That 2nd one can be much easier to manage in some ways. Such inner dialogue can become extremely handy and even reliable at times. Depending on which camp you come from, some will refer to the words as coming from

• some aspect/face of self, such as the inner sage, inner analyst, inner wonderer, inner child, inner critic etc
• some form of divine guidance or not so divine guidance
• a more conscious part of the brain vs programmed parts that dictate all the belief systems others have put into our head over time (aka 'the rubbish we actually come to fully believe about our self')

and the list goes on.

Also can't help but wonder whether you experience the 'You' factor. I've discovered quite a number of people who do but were not fully conscious of it 'til I asked them. For example, you could make the statement 'I just don't know what to do anymore' when what suddenly comes to mind could be something like 'You need to stop believing everything your family says about you'. So, it's 'I just don't know...' and 'You need to...'. The 'you' factor can make it seem like someone's talking to you, when you can simply be sensing words alone as opposed to hearing a voice.