Ongoing depression?

rachaelx · ‎08-11-2013

Hi. I've posted on here before, and I thought I may of been getting better.. But I was wrong.

Just to recap, I never really had my mother. She left when I was around 4, so that left me with my father. When I was around 8, he molested me. Took me until about 2 months to tell somebody, and that turned out to be my guidance counsellor. I moved out pretty much straight away. Even though I had been living with it for years, when it was out in the open it proved to be too much for me. I stayed with my aunt (his sister) for a while. As I grew up, she was the closest thing I had to a mother figure, so I turned to her. But about 3 weeks ago, I made the decision to 'visit' my mother. This turned into me moving in. I had previously lived with her for about a year 13 or 14 months ago. I left though because I was really unhappy.

Now, I'm sitting here in my bedroom, unhappy as ever. I tried taking an SNRI for a while, but the symptoms were too hard on me. Made me have to miss several days of school, and me being in my second last year of schooling, it didn't work out. So, based on my new doctor's suggestion, and my mum's, I got off them. I feel really bad now though. I have for weeks. I've been off them pretty much since I arrived here to live with my mum.. I'm having increasingly bad suicidal thoughts. I go into detail with my thoughts. I envision afterwards, how my family would react. Sometimes it doesn't bother me how they would see it. At least the pain would be over. Selfish, I know. But at the same time, wouldn't my family be just as selfish, expecting me to go through pain just to please them? I shouldn't look at it that way, i know...

I guess what I'm asking for is help. Last time I felt like this was 2 years ago. The way I dealt with that was by

self harm, smoking, drinking, chroming, drugs. Running away, the whole lot. This time around, the only thing that's stuck is the self-harm. I've stopped recently, but I'm afraid if it doesn't get better, I'll start again. To be honest, I'm thinking of suicide more and more often. I feel as if I'm drowning, slowly. I feel like I'm screaming, and that no one can hear me. Dramatic I guess. But it's the only way I can describe it. I'm 16, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel as if I don't get 'more' help soon, I''ll end up snapping. In a really bad way.

Before I moved, I was seeing two counsellors. Now I'm seeing pretty much, 3 doctors, arranging to see both a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I don't want to turn down a bad path.. I DO want a future, with a good career, a husband, kids, the lot. I don't want to mess that up based on how I'm feeling now. It's just, this bad mood, this sadness, has been constant for the past 2 weeks. I swear, I can't get a break. I hate it.

For those who have bothered reading this, thankyou. x

crystal_clear · ‎10-11-2013

Hi Rachel,

Glad to know that you are aware that self-harming is clearly not good. They do leave marks in any part of your body and when you get older you regret those actions and scars. Do vent your frustration on reading, writing, dance, etc. Journalism is certainly a good plan, why don't you keep a journal of your writings. I had a room-mate who took up journalism and she wrote down her thoughts in a journal, it turned out to be a good place to vent her frustrations and ended up being creative.

geoff · ‎11-11-2013

dear Rachael, I am not allowed to say anything that shows endearment for you as it won't pass the filter, but having said that you know how I feel.

( be careful Geoff ) You are a very intelligent person, but not even this can stop depression, but the responses you have made to others have been terrific at a young age, and you will be successful once this illness has passed.

I would suggest reporting your dad to the police, because his journey of being evil will always continue, and eventually he will do what he did to you and your step sister to some other poor innocent child, and this will mean that this child will probably go through what you are doing now, and you certainly don't deserve to, nor will any other child.

There is absolutely no way you should ' feel guilty about complaining about your issues', because each person is different and we help them in their own way, everyone has their own story, just like you do. Geoff. x