My head hates me.

[tanhal1]

I am a new member. Everyday for the past 18 months my head says to me 'There's a reason why your so lonely' , 'Death is part of life, they will get over it', 'that constant pain in your belly and that sting behind your eyes, you can stop that', 'Stop fighting me' , 'Your a **** mother and wife, you have no family or friends, you are completely alone'...........this goes on and on and on and on. I went to my GP, went on anti depressants and saw a shrink a few times. Decided in my infinite wisdom that if I didn't want to be depressed, I needed to stop acting like it. Went off the meds, dropped the shrink and took up a personal trainer three times a week. It didn't work.

[Beetle]

HI Tanhal1

Oh i feel with you-i know how terrible this negative self talk is.its deadly.

I also cant accept that i have depression and want i ignore it and will it away.

Deosnt work yoou say

Maybe we can help each other to accept that we need help

Im happy to be your virtual chat partner

Let us know how u go 🙂

Beetle

[tanhal1]

Hi Beetle,

Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it.

Honestly, I'm not sure if how the 'help' works.

See a shrink - talk about stuff in the past - feel worse.

Medication - hate your self for being so weak.

Has anything helped you in the past?

You know 18months ago, this is funny now, my attitude re mental health was a bit like, geez, toughen up people. Because I strongly believed in this (for 35yrs), now I'm fighting it. Bury, Bury Bury it. Which turns out, really does not work.

[threeinmyheart]

my advice is . get back to your gp. talk about all this. maybe a different med, maybe a different type of therapy?
no need to be ashamed .
and the personal trainer idea is fine. even daily walking is good for you.

[vip]

Hi Tanhal yes i have been on and off medication for 22yrs with my depression and with strict watch from my gp and psych have weaned off them slowely. I joined a gym and try and keep really active but i have been told be them both if my symptoms do return to let them know unfortunately you might have to  too this depression sometimes just doesnt go away on its own so seek the help again, Goodluck

[geoff]

dear Tanhal, if you have depression you can't possibly say 'I needed to stop acting like it', this will never work, plus ' hate your self for being so weak' and 'toughen up people', this isn't giving yourself any credit.

If you stop trying to believe that you have depression, then how long is this going to work, a short time only, because you haven't solved what is making you depressed, so it's still there bubbling away covered up by a fake feeling.

You're not weak by having depression, even the strongest leaders in the world have had depression and we need all the resources that are available to help us overcome this illness. Geoff.

[Beetle]

HI tanhal

sorry replying so late.

I can so agree with geoff. u need to acknowledge that u got depression. ( goeff your posts are so helpful, you rock)

I still got the same negative self talk. I also think i havent tried hard enough and i feel ashemd having to take medication. But as Goeff said its not a weakness. You and me have to learn to see depression as a real illness. We dont'make it up'. we dont want to be depressed or 'give in'. its a shortage of neurotransmitters in the brain.i got severe depression and accept now that i need the meds to get better,i tried counceling and walking and stuff but that was not enough.i need meds since im too sick to deal with the beast only with councelling and walking.

Now with the meds i feel i can think more organised.i am more relaxed and can function better.

I still got moments when i think like you: i am weak and a loser that i take meds. But i realise thats BS. sure i dont like to take them, but on the other side they prevented me to kill myself 3 weeks earlier. So they work. i will continue to take them because i want to get better.

See depresion gets a real bad rap and many uneducated people ( like i was before i got depression myself DOH) think u can shake it off like a cold.

but we cant.

Please just see the disease as a deficiency. that made it easier for me too. go back to your GP, talk about depression and consider meds and counceling again. Be kind to yoursefl.

I started to do everyhting what makes me feel good: walking along the beach, reducing alcohol, eating chocolate icecream ( yeah -sorry) seeing friends, avoiding crowded and noisy places.

Its working. so far. please let us know how u go. u r not alone. we are all going through this i guess. heaps of good vibes your way. Beetle

[tanhal1]

Thanks for your reply's everyone.

The theme here as I read is Medication - which I did do for a little while.

I kind of feel, the reason why all this happened was because of some things in my life - those things slowly getting sorted.

Was doing to much - now doing less.

Marital issues - are getting better.

I acted very badly - starting to forgive myself.

Why isn't my head catching up to the environmental factors I believed caused this to happen???

I don't know if I should just be patient and continue living with the sick feeling in my stomach and my head screaming how ***** I am, maybe I just need time?

Any thoughts?