Ongoing depression?

[rachaelx]

Hi. I've posted on here before, and I thought I may of been getting better.. But I was wrong.

Just to recap, I never really had my mother. She left when I was around 4, so that left me with my father. When I was around 8, he molested me. Took me until about 2 months to tell somebody, and that turned out to be my guidance counsellor. I moved out pretty much straight away. Even though I had been living with it for years, when it was out in the open it proved to be too much for me. I stayed with my aunt (his sister) for a while. As I grew up, she was the closest thing I had to a mother figure, so I turned to her. But about 3 weeks ago, I made the decision to 'visit' my mother. This turned into me moving in. I had previously lived with her for about a year 13 or 14 months ago. I left though because I was really unhappy.

Now, I'm sitting here in my bedroom, unhappy as ever. I tried taking an SNRI for a while, but the symptoms were too hard on me. Made me have to miss several days of school, and me being in my second last year of schooling, it didn't work out. So, based on my new doctor's suggestion, and my mum's, I got off them. I feel really bad now though. I have for weeks. I've been off them pretty much since I arrived here to live with my mum.. I'm having increasingly bad suicidal thoughts. I go into detail with my thoughts. I envision afterwards, how my family would react. Sometimes it doesn't bother me how they would see it. At least the pain would be over. Selfish, I know. But at the same time, wouldn't my family be just as selfish, expecting me to go through pain just to please them? I shouldn't look at it that way, i know...

I guess what I'm asking for is help. Last time I felt like this was 2 years ago. The way I dealt with that was by

self harm, smoking, drinking, chroming, drugs. Running away, the whole lot. This time around, the only thing that's stuck is the self-harm. I've stopped recently, but I'm afraid if it doesn't get better, I'll start again. To be honest, I'm thinking of suicide more and more often. I feel as if I'm drowning, slowly. I feel like I'm screaming, and that no one can hear me. Dramatic I guess. But it's the only way I can describe it. I'm 16, and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel as if I don't get 'more' help soon, I''ll end up snapping. In a really bad way.

Before I moved, I was seeing two counsellors. Now I'm seeing pretty much, 3 doctors, arranging to see both a counsellor and a psychiatrist. I don't want to turn down a bad path.. I DO want a future, with a good career, a husband, kids, the lot. I don't want to mess that up based on how I'm feeling now. It's just, this bad mood, this sadness, has been constant for the past 2 weeks. I swear, I can't get a break. I hate it.

For those who have bothered reading this, thankyou. x

[threeinmyheart]

why are you living with your mother?
Sounds like you need to get out of there and get into intensive therapy again.
what can you do? can you speak to a doctor, a counsellor , a social worker ( if you have to your local hospital they will have social workers) .
you need to save yourself sweetie.

[rachaelx]

Guess I just decided that being around more family might be more helpful for me.

I was put on new anti-depressants today, but a lower dosage. I am currently speaking to a doctor.. well 3. and I'm still in contact with 2 of my counsellours. I just feel that I'm only 16, and that all this pressure and stress is too much. Nothing seem's to be helping me.. not medication, not talking to people (or docs/counsellours). Not exercise, listening to music, all those 'stress- relieving activities', they aren't working. I feel trapped inside my own body.

[geoff]

dear Rachael, depression is really the pits, and has so much control over us, as one problem just builds onto another problem, so where do we start, the smallest and least concern or go full boar to our main concern.

We can't handle all of these problems at once, simply because we don't pay enough attention to one particular thought, so we get confused as to what we are trying to achieve, so where do you start.

Well you want to feel happy and that's your goal, that's what any depressed person wants, just to be content, and it seems to be impossible, so what do you concentrate on first is up to you, however, there are a couple of points I would like to make here, and the first and in no particular order, but I believe that seeing 3 doctors, a counsellor and a psychiatrist all at once can be a problem, because they all have their own different ideas and suggestions, and this may become very confusing as to which one you will follow.

What I do understand is that you are doing this because you really want the help, and are trying to grasp at anything that suits you.

There are plenty of other antidepressants on the market, so how about talking to a doctor with regards to this.

The other places to contact are Reachout.com and Headspace who help adolescents, and I'm only giving you these just to find out which way you should follow.

You posted back in May and it's 6 months later, so you're naughty for not contacting us sooner. Geoff. x

[vip]

Hi Rachael you are a beautiful girl who didnt deserve what happened to you . Im so glad you are getting the help from doctors and psychs i know recovery is so slow with depression and with all the trauma you have had in your life it will take time to heal. Keep getting that professional help though and maybe you need a low dose of antidepressants to help you at school please tell mum and the professionals about those suicidal thoughts and keep on top of this. You sound to me you are very open and are communicating well with all this so keep that up. Honestly there is a big beautiful world out there and i wish for you that you come out really strong from this and conquer anything that you want to do. Take care and goodluck x

[Beetle]

HI rachaelx

I agree with threeinmyheart that moving away from your mum might help you to 'find yourself'. I also agree with goeff that seeing too many professionals can be confusing.

I am seeing one GP who gave me meds and researched what i should do and shouldt do while on them.Then i got this fantastic group and a coucelour. that is enough i think.

I also found that alcohol severly stops my antidepressant to work and i stopped alc . i feel the med works again.  i also need plenty of rest and time to reflect on me and my life and my goals. me time on  my own . atr the same time I see my friends whe i feel strong and energetic. I m at the beginning of the depression journey. well i guess i had depression for decades but selfmedicated it with alcohol and selfharm. ive been diagnosed with anxiety andd deopression last month, now i feel im slowly improving. very hard work though.

Please take time for yourself. try to find your own safe place where you can reflect and find yourself. please let us know how u go 🙂 xo

[crystal_clear]

Dear Rachael,

I have been in this phase of life. Sometime when the pain is too much, self-harm was a relief but you know what.. this pain shall go away. I started a hobby such as reading. it was a form of escapism for me... What do you love doing?

[crystal_clear]

Hi Rachael,

I have been through this phase.. Sometimes, self harming was an outlet and a relief for all the pain. However, a hobby such as reading was a form of escapism for me. What do you love doing?

[rachaelx]

Hi All.

Before I started feeling like this for the first time, I never really understood why people couldn't just 'snap' out of the depression. I understand it now. It weighs you down so much, effecting your everyday living. It sucks. Geoff, I think you've summed it up pretty well! It is confusing.. dealing with my problems seems unachievable. But I do agree with your 3 doctors comment. I cut it down to one doctor, but I'm only seeing him once a week. That doesn't seem like enough.

Since I moved in with my mother, it's been a bit confusing. I'm at the end of my year 11 studies, so I have to fly back to where I previously lived to finish my exams. I'm still in contact with both of my counsellors, I speak to them on the phone. There doing their best to organise counsellor's where I live now. But yes Geoff, I am trying everything. Nothing seems to be getting better, so trying everything was my decision.

Hah, I did post back in May, don't know why it took me this long to post again. But I'm glad I decided to come back.

Hi Nes 🙂
Yes, recovery is slow, and it honestly seems like the pain is never-ending, but I know it will take time. My doctor did put me on new medication, and the dosage is much lower. It's extremely hard talking to my mother and my doctor about these suicidal thoughts. I have a problem with letting people in. It seems like pretty much everyone I trust either leaves me or hurts me. I will admit I still hold some resentment for my mother. Over 10 years I went without her. Then a few years later, the situation that occurred with my dad. I found out when I moved in with my mum again that my father also molested my step sister (which is my older brother's younger sister). That quite obviously disgusts me, makes it obvious that my father has a serious problem. When I spoke to the police a couple months ago, they informed me I could press charges. I'm seriously considering it, because recently my dad had another child, who is only 4 months old at the moment. I have not had the chance to meet her, which has upset me quite a bit.  

Hi Beetle 🙂
I know maybe moving out of mum's might be the best option, but I find that being around family does make a big difference. Where I was previously living I only had my aunt and her boyfriend. No other members of my family lived in the same state. Whereas here, I have my mother, my step-dad, 3 sisters, a brother, grandmother, many aunts and uncles. It gets stressful sometimes, but I know I'm probably better off here. Wow.. It sounds like you've been through alot. I honestly wish there was some way I could help.. To be honest, I feel guilty often complaining about my issues, when I know there are many others also in pain. But I like how on this website it's free of criticism, so that makes me quite confident in sharing my problems. 

And hi crystal_clear!
Self-harming is an outlet for the pain, but I know it's clearly not good. The place I self harmed was on my upper leg, which means I always have to keep that area hidden, otherwise I feel as if I will be judged. Like I said earlier, no one understands unless they've experienced it themselves.

I love reading as well! I find it a really good activity for me to do because it allows me to escape into another world (or so you could say, haha). I also love writing.. I hope that once I've finished school I might do a journalism course at uni. Not sure yet, but I'm leaving my options open.

Sorry to everyone reading this, I know it's extremely long, but thankyou! x

[vip]

Hi Rachel yes you sound like a terrific writer goodluck with this goal. Dont worry about the self harm scars i have a long one down my back and 2 holes on the side of my hips too which i keep hidden too. But in a way when i look at mine it reminds me everyday to keep strong and that im here and im thankful for being here. Rachel share all your problems on this forum we are all here to listen and help and we are all in the same boat obviously with different experiences. I am very proud of you the way you are handling what you have been through its a severe trauma and honestly you are showing maturity and intelligence maybe one day write a book about your life and how you overcome this trauma . Take care always xx