Obsessive thoughts towards psychologist and BPD

[Mich87]

I’ve been suffering with this issue more than a year now but unfortunately still couldn’t find an answer.

I just had 8 sessions with my previous psychologist. During 5th or 6th session I started to develope romantic/erotic thoughts towards my psychologist. It was really distressing and disturbing to manage my day to day life. These thoughts were unwanted and irrational. So I raised it with my psychologist and I thought she would help me with cope with it. Unfortunately she terminated therapy.

Then I felt rejected and abandoned by the person I mostly trusted and I couldn’t tolerate it. I started to follow her home after work, stalking her on social media and invading her privacy. I knew it inappropriate, I didn’t want to scare her, I didn’t want to give her stress full time, I didn’t want to harass or abuse her, I didn’t mean anything but I couldn’t control my impulsive thoughts.

In the end she went to the court and applied an IVO against me. It was so shameful for me so I didn’t want to go to court.  I have had past attempts on my life.

After this episode I got pregnant with a baby boy . Unfortunately, I could complete only 16 weeks. I had a miscarriage. It was unbelievable, my baby was completely normal had a strong heart beat. However, I had to give a birth to a dead baby.

I am depressed again and have thoughts towards my previous psychologist. I have urged to go and see her but my hands are tight by the court order. The buildup pressure drives me to suicidal thoughts again.

I want to stop these cycles happening again. I’m taking my medication but nothing helps. My psychiatric discharged me to my GP during the suicidal episode. since then no other psychiatrist accepts my referral. I haven’t seen a psychiatrist for 6 months. I asked help from so-called mental health professionals. No one helps me. I don’t know who to call, when I call PTS, a nurse told me i’m too far from their hospital. I can’t go to my nearest hospital as my husband works as a mental health nurse in there.

I had enough, I am so tired , but I have to live for my 3 year old daughter. I want to know what’s wrong with me. My previous psychiatrist diagnosed BPD last year. Can someone please help me and tell me what to do and how to stop these cycle of episodes.

[therising]

Hi Mich87

First, I wish to let you know how much my heart goes out to you regarding your miscarriage. From my own experience, there can be so much grief to wade through with such a deeply heartbreaking experience/challenge.

It sounds like your psychologist recognised signs that, from her perspective, led her to a need to end your sessions. She could no longer manage them. To leave you twisting in the wind with no further help was a questionable move. I'm going back about 19 years when I recall suddenly coming out of long term depression during a group therapy session. While I was seriously struggling to make sense of what I was feeling the following day (while experiencing some fear and confusion), I called the facilitator of the sessions, only to be told 'You've got me on my day off. Sorry, I can't help you'. While I respect it was her day off, something I wasn't aware of, technically she left me alone to work out one of the most challenging times in my life. To trigger something in someone and then to leave them alone to cope with what's been triggered is questionable. To direct them toward a different or more expert guide is considerate. In hindsight, I can say that what happened to me during such a challenging time involved a part of me coming to life that I just wasn't prepared for.

I like to imagine there are are a whole variety of different facets to us, that go toward making up the whole of who we are. With such a concept, the question could be at any given time 'What part of me is this, which is coming to life or has come to life and how do I need to manage it?'. Another question could be 'Who could possibly help me manage it while helping me gain a better understanding of it?'. Wondering whether it would help to imagine 'My therapy sessions triggered a part of me I don't know how to manage'. With you trying to find a guide, no one's really putting their hand up, which is really not fair on you.

Personally, I've found different facets have a different feel and dialogue to them. For example, while the sage in us may gently insist, through inner dialogue, 'You know this is the wrong thing to do. You need to find a different way', some impulsive part of us may intensely demand 'You have to do it, no matter what anyone says'. Not sure if you're much of a reader but I've found a helpful book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto talks about a lot of this kind of stuff in his book, better understanding and managing different facets of our self.

At the end of the day, it's about looking for the right or the best kind of guidance. Your old psychologist won't guide you, she refuses to be one of your guides. While your deep attraction to someone who's taken you so far is completely understandable, you could see it as you being on a slightly different part of your path now, a part you'll need a different guide for. You could even say she's not an expert on this kind of section of your path, a section that understandably seems so dark. Your old psychologist won't and can't shed light on it so the question becomes 'Who will?' or 'Who can?'.