Now I'm really terrified, seriously seriously scared

[Andrew125]

Hi - I'm really sorry to say this to everyone but I need to vent it somewhere so i thought here would be a good place.

For the last several years I've been battling depression and suicide thoughts. As I'm sure others can relate too, it's so incredibly difficult to get out of bed sometimes. I've been coping with it for years without any medical treatment or even seeing a doctor - maybe that was a big mistake.

When I get these suicidal thoughts (almost daily) I can immediately recognise the difference between "what I WANT to do" and "what I would ACTUALLY do". But today, for the first time ever........I felt like I couldn't trust myself. If I was ever going to do something I know exactly how it would be done but I had always trusted myself and knew that I wouldn't do anything. Now, all of a sudden and completely out of the blue, I don't trust myself and I'm terrified that I'm going to have a "moment". It was so bad that my work had taken my car keys off me and refused to let me drive home without an escort. I don't know what to do. I always trusted myself but now I feel like I can't even trust myself anymore. Does this mean it's getting worse? All my supervisors know now and it's so embarrassing. Am I over reacting or has this happened to others where you always trusted yourself not to do anything but now you feel like that you may not be able too?

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. 

[citizen1911]

Hi Andrew,

The first thing that came to my mind when you said your work colleagues are taking steps to prevent you from driving home alone is that they care about you. That is a good thing.

I don't know if there is a specific cause that is causing your depression - for e.g, self esteem issues, death in family or you are unable to pin point any reasons. If you can, often the solution to recovery is straight-forward. If you don't know why you have been depress for so long, the problem might be buried deeper in than you realise and I guess the first step I would take is to try and understand why you are so down about life.

When I was 16 years old I tried to kill myself. Looking back in hindsight I realised I was simply not coping with various burden that was laden on me at that point and I wanted a 'temporary death', or a black out. Throughout my life I still battle with suicidal thoughts regularly but my experience when I was 16 reminded myself that a temporary death is not the same as a permanent death. There are many days like yourself I don't wish to get out of bed, there are days I can't go to bed. But I always overcome my suicidal thoughts by realising that no matter how hard it is today, I still would like to see tomorrow.

I really hope this helps. If you hadn't sought any professional counselling perhaps now is the time to consider. I had sought help before feeling sceptical but my counsellor was able to uncover deep seated issues within that had bothered me for decades and I am now addressing all of them.

Take your time, be patient and kind to yourself in the mean time. Good luck!

[Neil_1]

Hi Andrew  

 I’m so glad that you’ve come to here and to vent.  Venting, unloading, all that kind of stuff is so necessary and here you can do so without fear of anything, except compassion, support, possible advice and help.  You mentioned it’s embarrassing and that you may be over-reacting.  Absolutely no way should you be feeling this. 

There’s a few things we need to try and get out of your head and that is one of them … this is a terrible illness and your mind is making you this way, but do not ever be embarrassed about this.  You have come to a good place.  

Andrew, you’ve battled this for so long now … I can’t imagine how you’ve been coping all this time with all these horrible, awful thoughts in your head.  But you’ve taken the first step … coming here.  

The next step to take and this one will be the massive positive one for you is to seek professional help and to please do it immediately.  This should be your absolute main priority now.  BUT also in the meantime, please please can you make a pact with yourself (or a friend, family member, partner (you didn’t mention if you’re in a relationship at all) and the pact being, “IF” you feel (see, I used IF, instead of ‘when’) those awful thoughts that you’ve been having come up again … can you please phone the phone number for crisis support at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or Lifeline (131114)?   I know you don’t know me from a bar of soap (what a strange analogy that is!) but please Andrew, can you do this?    Your welfare and safety is paramount here and we need to get you through this period so we can try to commence on another journey.  A journey that will hopefully take you away from this.  

So yes, back to the next step … if you have a GP, could you please make an appointment as soon as you can, but now would be an awesome time to do that.  OR if you’re unsure about a GP, please do a search on this site for GP’s that will be located in your local area.  These people are versed up in all mental illness issues and they’ll be able to provide you with mechanisms support and advice to help you at this time.  

Andrew, it’d be awesome to hear back from you.  And if you feel comfortable, to give a bit more detail, but ONLY if you wish.  Otherwise, just a quick post to say that you’re “doing, um ok at the moment”?  

 Kind regards  

Neil