Not Waving, Drowning

[MattJ]

Hello.

I've been struggling with depression for far too long, and tried to get professional help earlier this year. 6 months of counselling didn't help, and my coping mechanisms of binge drinking, binge eating and lying to myself and others have stopped working.  On top of this, I though being unfaithful to my wife of 13 years would help, unfortunately, all that's done is end my marriage.

I'm no good at maintaining any relationships, as such I have no friends (and as of 7 hours ago, no wife) to talk to.  It's too difficult to talk to work colleagues about my mental health due to the stigma this attaches to you.

To try something different, I've booked an appointment with my GP tomorrow and will ask advice regarding psychiatric treatment.  Previous therapy has also indicated presence of alexithymia so I don't know if this has complicated any other therapies in the past.  

All this has come to a climax today, and I don't feel anything.  No anger, no anxiety, no remorse, no shame, nothing.  Just a void of emotion in a listless existence.  The only good part of the story is that the void has created a calm spot to tread water for a moment - unfortunately, I'm to far out to sea to make it back to shore.  Most definitely drowning, not waving.

[Salba]

Hi Matt,

Good luck with the psychologist.

Just thought I'd chime in from someone who has been stumbling along with depression for more than half my life. Dealing with the mental health system for the past 18 years you learn a little bit about how it works.

Just be aware that a Psychiatrist is a medical Dr who specialises in mental health. If your GP wanted to put you on meds that is probably going to be what the psychiatrist will say too.

I have to be on medication to function and in my experience,  most of what psychiatrists do is oversee your medication. All of the talking stuff I have done has been with psychologists.

I hope you can find the help you need

Sal

[MattJ]

Hello Sal,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I was reluctant to just get on the medication merry go round with the GP, and if that's what end up happening, then so be it.

Generally, I dislike people, so  talking to anyone is difficult. Probably why the psychologist hasn't been able to help so far. I guess my expectation is that someone who knows what they're doing with any potential medication is going to provide a more positive outcome than a GP whose stock standard answer to depression is to write a script and tell you to keep coming back for more.

Tried a different psychologist yesterday, but just started back at the beginning, more outlining history and what I've tried to do to overcome depression in the past, which is frustrating because you know that this just puts you back to square one. It also adds to the feeling that this person can't help, because here I am, back at the start with no progress.  It's unfair on them, but that's how I feel when I'm there.

People keep asking me what I want, and the only answer I have is to not feel like I do.   I can tell it frustrates them, and you can almost hear them thinking, "then change". Almost at the point where it's better to be isolated than face the same idiocy over and over again.  I get angry so easy that I'm sure it's not going to be pleasant if someone actually says, "just get over it".