Not sure if I can have kids (mentally)...

[Raven66]

Hello,

I am not in a very good place, particularly right now - I ride between Anxiety and Depression regularly, self-helping with the anxiety has been helping although I still have a ways to go, but recently the Depression has hit me again hard. My primary thoughts revolve around life purpose, and kids... I am mid thirties now, but don't know what to do.

Most people around me are having kids, and I know my husband wants a child but I don't think I had ever really wanted them (deep down I thought I would just suddenly turn all clucky over children and want one, but if anything I think I have gone the other way!) I don't enjoy being around kids, I don't like holding kids, I get irritated by them very quickly and usually just get away as fast as I can...

I have really tried to want to have kids, really tried to think about life (with or without kids) and I am utterly lost... I am quite sick of hearing "it's different when they are your own" (which may be true) but it doesn't help at all to keep hearing it - just makes me feel like a damaged/broken female because I don't want babies.

Aside from my strong family history of Depression (quite severe) and other medical conditions, I can barely keep myself above the water, so how would I be able to cope with a child? Aside from being terrified of the actual pregnancy and birth process, it is not something you can change your mind about half way through, at the end you have a dependant, for life.

I know I'm stewing on scenarios that haven't even happened, but I'm scared I will panic... I practically panic just thinking about it, the life changes involved, being stuck at home (if COVID-like situations return in the future), etc.

I don't want to have one for the wrong reasons (as I don't know what my mental state would be like, given that I don't want to and see no joy in it) but I feel the pressure, particularly from my husbands family, which is again the wrong reason.

I don't know what I am asking here, it just feels like a rant. I wonder if any other women feel the same?

Would the stress actually impact the health of a baby if we tried?? I suspect it can't be healthy...

I have to pretend I am never going to have kids to just get through the days when the pressure feels intense, or my worrying and stress brings on horrendous migraines/headaches. I love my pets, love my hobbies, love my husband - but I can't seem to mentally cope with the idea of having a child...

Thanks for reading

[Yana8216]

Wow! I've had very similar feelings/experiences. Made a definite decision not to have children in 2015 and so glad I did. Hubby was sad at first but soon got over it and is seeing the positives - more freedom to travel, better financial position, less worry... plus heaps of blokes keep saying to him "whatever you do, DON'T have kids!!" (then they moan about all the negatives). The below link tells my story & advice from others 🙂

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/pregnancy-and-parenthood/my-husband-wants-children-i-do-not-all-advice-welcome

Yana xo

[Guest_4521]

Societal pressures? Screw them!

Society also expects women to "bounce back" like Gumby after having a baby. They also say we aren't allowed to age, that menopause is a medical problem, and that we must breastfeed even though not every one can, and that c-sections are a sign of failure and post partum depression and anxiety means you hate your kids even though it's probably very normal to be depressed about losing your old life and being anxious about starting a new one!

Do what you want, be happy, I say! You can't please everyone, so please yourself 🙂

[Tay100]

Hi Raven66

We are glad you enjoy and found the open forum space useful. We hope this space gave you the clarity and advice or perspective that you needed. Feel free to keep us updated on your journey if you like, or even just to find connections with like minded people.

All the best,

Tay100

[Raven66]

Hello again,

Been another couple of months, I was starting to feel quite good with the decision (and generally not thinking about it at all!) but I have caught some off-hand comments from my husband that still makes me think he REALLY HOPES I will be changing my mind at some point. In talking about friends and their kids, comments like "our kid will..." or "our kid won't..." and I can feel myself spiralling down again.
Same thoughts: could I actually do this for him? then I think about it all and am left feeling nauseated and damaged, because I genuinely don't think I can. I have nightmares that I'm pregnant, yes nightmares - which seems to reinforce the opinion that I absolutely don't want to!

I'm struggling more these days to talk to my husband about it (he admits he just doesn't know what to say anymore, when I keep saying the same things), and I know he wouldn't realise how much those quick comments actually impact me inside - I felt comfortable that we had agreed it was a no at this stage (likely forever). But it doesn't feel like he has actually accepted this, even though we have spoken about it. What else can I do?

My Depression & Anxiety seem to be back in full force, focused entirely on this - it is killing my soul to feel so broken, that I am disappointing my husband so greatly. I spoke to a counsellor about my issues, poured it all out in tears, only to be told they are all very natural feelings and here, try some breathing exercises! Needless to say, I found this useless and was actually left thinking "no one can help me with this"

I don't even know who (what type of specialist) to perhaps talk about this further, because it doesn't change the fact - I don't want to have kids. I just keep feeling like I am expected to (my own inner voice that I'm a failure as a woman) or thinking about the future and what that means if we don't have kids. I feel great about the many things I want to learn about in my life, purely out of interest, and life was feeling really good. I am just finding it hard to get my husband to fully understand my position on this, and how comments of our kid in the future are not helping my situation at all.

I may just be having one of my really 'down' days and stewing on it more than I should - but it is hard when you feel like the cause of the problem, or you are the problem...

Would love to hear any thoughts from this kind community - the only place I can be 100% honest without fear of judgement. Thank you again

[ecomama]

Dear Raven66

Please don't have kids.

Sometimes our nightmares are realised.

I would book in to talk with a marriage counsellor about this. IME really good marriage Counsellors will see the couple together AND apart separately.

I'm so glad you feel you can share 100% honestly here!

That's so great and another reason the forums benefit people.

Bestest wishes.
EM

[Tay100]

Hi Raven66

Thanks for checking back with us- it can be hard when old fears or feelings of disappointment, especially feelings of self-directed disappointment arise. It doesn't help that the help you reached out for was useless, as you say. I wonder if we might brainstorm ways to help with your depression/anxiety together?

Tay100