Not depressed enough

[Superherogirl]

Hello. I'm only young and started high school last year. I just made this account because sometimes I feel like there aren't any friends I can get close to or talk to. I really want to have one, close friend that I spend all my time with but i feel like I'm too toxic or picky or rude or mean to do that. I just never put in effort with my other friends and I can't find anyone I really like and I miss my old friend from primary school. I'm always the secondary friend to everyone I know, and it just leaves me feeling to dejected. It's sort of like a paradox, where I struggle between not wanting to be with my friends and wanting so badly for them to like me. I just think that if I left all of them, nobody would really care because no matter how long I've known you there are always better people to be around. I haven't properly had a best friend since I was maybe nine? Everyone always likes other people more. I have nobody I want to talk to at school. And the schoolwork is so overwhelming- I'm in an academic program, and even though neither of my parents forced me into it I always wanted to be the best at everything. It's like no matter what, if my grades aren't perfect I will have a full on mental breakdown. It's awful, because if I don't get a grade up to my standards I'll just start crying. I know I'm smart, and I know I'm good enough, but I just can't stand it. Also, my appearance. Some days I feel pretty, but others I just wish I didn't have to see anyone. I have some acne that I know isn't very bad, but I just hate it. I hate looking in the mirror and knowing nothing's changed and I'm still ugly. The worst part is that I want therapy, I want to be on these platforms, but don't ever want my parents to know. I want them.to think I'm fine because then we never need to talk about it. And the whole time this goes through my head I feel so selfish for even wanting therapy, because I probably don't have depression and I'm just an attention seeker who is overreacting. No matter how I feel, how much some days I wish for new parents, or a new face, or a new personality, I'm some There might not be much you can do for me, but just a reply would be nice. Just someone to talk to.

[quirkywords]

Superhero girl.

welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I am sure many reading your post will relate as I did.

I am many decades older than you but remember that feeling of wanting somein who got whi Ima.i as to,d so many people are worse off than me and I was selfish and spoilt.

I hope today things are different. Your feelings are real andI  can see you are trying to make sense if your feelings. 
Have a look at some threads  and articles by beyond blue.

Welcome again.

post here when you like . You are not alone and I am listening. 

[ABC01]

Dear superherogirl,

I feel compelled to reply to your post. Believe me,there is no such thing as “normal “ in life. Everyone is unique and different. Our DNA, upbringing and personalities make us this way. Even siblings aren’t the same.

High school is hard. There are clicks to navigate,there is hierarchies and there is school work and no two days are ever the same. Think of it this way, a bunch of teenagers are put into the same building and told you are going to be together for the next 6 years. So what do you do,you group up to make the day easier. You call each other friends,but you might not really be the definition of the word friends. You just have to spend 5 days a week together and it makes the day go by faster and easier. Perhaps on one of these days you might make that connection with someone and make a real friend. That would be great. In my high school,I had 1 friend in each group of the “friend groups “ in my year level and just drifted around to one of them at recess and lunchtime. I did great at school work and that was all I cared about. Because outside of school those friends dropped off and my marks are what set me up for being an adult. You ARE smart and you are good enough. Find that balance between finding something that relaxes you like a craft or sport AND pushing yourself so hard. Without balance you will struggle.

And you are uniquely beautiful as YOU. Don’t allow unrealistic standards from anyone at all, to tell your self esteem that you aren’t. No one else in this entire world has the same hair,the same eyes, the same skin. Your own DNA has matched all of these beautifully. Puberty is normal and acne comes with that,but it passes. Your uniqueness makes you outstanding. But being a teenager makes you feel awkward and all the things you have said. It will pass.

You aren’t over reacting or an attention seeker. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You just may need a safe adult in your inner circle to discuss these things with,like an Aunty.

I wish you well. Don’t stop being you. You are awesome.

ABC01

[BlueLily]

Hi superherogirl,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you shared your experience, even though you weren't sure if it was worth it. 

You are describing the typical young adult dilemma that everyone go through. So don't think it's because you are toxic or what ever. Coming to this forum itself shows that you are willing to share, learn and possibly make things better.

In terms of finding good friends, I think of friendship as a 2 way street. You give and you take, you enrich each other. So without any effort it's definitely hard to build a friendship. Also, in my personal experience, when I stopped assuming and picking and choosing who I wanted to be friends with, instead when I went out of my typical circle of friends to talk to others, I ended up finding the most unique set of friends.

It's not a bad thing that you have put yourself high standards in terms of academics. But in situations you don't achieve it, you have to be kind to yourself and learn the mistakes so you can do better next time. I know that's very difficult because I do the exact mistake by keeping my bar really high. 

Regarding wishing for new parents, I believe I did the same in my teenage years. But now I know that they were doing their best, trying to help me. So may be find a good time to tell them that you are going through some difficult times but you are dealing with it. I'm sure they will find some ways to make things easier for you.

Quick tip with acne, I had them all the way to my 20's until I went to a skin specialist who recommended medication that made them completely go away, if that's an affordable option.

Even without acne, I somedays feel like just staying indoors in my sweatpants and not putting any effort to dress up. I think as women we see our own faults in appearance so much more unnecessarily. As ABC01 said, everyone is uniquely beautiful as their own way. So dress comfortable and be confident in your own look!