No sign of anything getting better; perhaps only worse!

[Neil_1]

Hi there

Well, I’m in a constant state of nervousness, my depression is hellishly bad and has been for so long now.  I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder for around 11-12 years now;  but suspect that it goes a long way further back than that.  It’s just that for the last 11-12 years I’ve been on medication and have been having ‘other treatment’ (like psychiatrist visits and psychologist visits).

I feel like crying but the tears won’t come.  I feel like I’ve got a large coiled spring in my chest/stomach, that continually turns tighter and tighter and I just wish it would release. 

I’m getting angry with myself, I do keep a daily diary (have done so for some 18 years) and I’m now finding that I’m writing in it that “I hate myself”.  I have a partner and two fantastic children.  I don’t think I’d be here anymore if I didn’t have my two children;  they’re both in their early teens.  Things though have got to the point where I can’t share my downs with my partner anymore;  I really don’t think she can handle hearing them anymore and to be honest, I feel somewhat abandoned, but then again, I can’t blame her, as it must be awfully hard on her as well.

About the only thing I look forward to in my day is night time when I can sink a few beers and then go to sleep.  Although a month or two ago, I couldn’t even look forward to that, for sleeptime at that stage just produced a lot of bad nightmares.  At least they seem to have eased up somewhat.

I’m on heavy medication as prescribed by my psyche and my most recent visit suggested that if I can change jobs (and not medication) that will help.  While I agree with this, in this current climate, changing jobs is so much easier to write than to achieve. 

I also keep fit;   I go to my local gym almost every day of the week – however another dot point of depression for me is with me at the moment;  I have an injury, which as stopped me going to the gym.  The gym, which is usually my only outlet for stress release – but at present, I can’t even work out.  I’m getting close to being able to return but for over two weeks now I’ve been crawling up the wall, due to know gym sessions.  I am also into running and am doing that 2-3 times per week and being careful with that, to hopefully negate any chances of being injured.

I also have a poker machine addiction and that is a source of stress and worry for my partner.  She hates them, and for some unknown reason, I love them.  And yes, while I have had some very nice and at times very big wins, for the other times, I have probably aided our local club with extra refurbishments that they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to afford to get.  That’s a fun way of saying that I’ve probably lost quite a bit of cash.  But when you lose, the demons really come out to play with your mind and being depressed and losing money and I guess having the odd brew, probably isn’t the best combination.  I have self excluded myself from a club that I frequented a lot in the past for one year, but I think that maybe this is something that is needing to happen again.

So there it is:  I have a home, a partner, two children, and animals (pets in our home), a car, a job, I’m on medication, I have regular GP appointments, as well as psyche meetings, I exercise and keep fit;  and yet I have major depression, fuelled with anxiety and ptsd.  And as I get older, I feel the tension and stress is getting worse.  I have made major inroads into writing a book about my story (detailing out what were the initial main causes for my depression) but also I’ve listed out what I call, my balloons of depression (things that are attached to me every day that cause me stress).  When I list it all out, it’s quite a list and I’ve just realised that indeed, if the balloons were real and full of helium, I’d actually be floating away as there’s so many of the mongrels!!

I don’t know what to do … I now have ‘no sick leave’ available and so I “have” to turn up to work every day or the money won’t come in … ahhh money, another balloon of stress!  That’s a big balloon, that is!  I tried 9 months off work earlier this year;   part from stress leave and part for lwop;   and while away, I did feel better.  Not near 100% as I don’t think I will ever get to that level again, but it certainly was better than what it is now (or what is was prior to going on stress leave).

But I’m really stressed out at work.  I’ve tried lots of options to get out but so far nothing has eventuated.  It’s not so much the work, but the people that cause me a hell of a lot of stress.  I’ve had a recent hospital visit due to chest pain … which fortunately ended in me being told that I’m fine and it was all put down to stress.

Last week stress got to me so bad that I ended up self harming.

It really shits me, that I have done (or am doing) all the things that they say you should, in order to help with this illness and yet, nothing seems to work.  I’m hopeless, self confidence is gone, I hate myself and I can’t look forward to anything or have any thoughts of major enjoyment. 

I can’t remember the last time I had a really good laugh.  I constantly feel like crying, but the tears won’t come.  Perhaps I’ll write a song with that as the title!

Where to from here?  I know I tell other people to take small steps (baby steps) and perhaps that’s all I can do.  But what I have in my mind each day is like living with internal torture!

Neil  

[Jo3]

Oh Neil,

If only you could just let the tears flow.  Let it all out.  Reading your story I can see that I have many similarities to you.  I don't tell my hubby anymore about how I am really feeling, how I want to self harm or even end my life.  How do you tell someone that I've been married to for 27 yrs that I want to die.  I too joined a gym at the start of the year and it was good, except I got an shoulder and elbow injury and stopped going to the gym. Which then put me back deeper into depression.  Now I am just walking with our dog at the beach and i find that this helps me stay grounded.

I don't even think my hubby wants to see me cry anymore or say much about my issues anymore. My three kids 21,20,17 don't even acknowledge me when I cry; maybe it's because they don't know how to react or what to say.

Neil, you're not hopelss, you're suffering depression and when we have these horrible thoughts it's really not us talking, it's our depression.  I too started writing in a journal daily but it got to the point where I too was writing "i hate myself" or "i wish i was dead" and all these negative words.  Until one day my psych decided to read through my journal and wanted me to stop writing for a while and see how I go.  Well now it's been quite a few months and I don't write in it anymore.  He said I was writing negatively all the time and that it wasn't helping my therapy.

It's great that you are exercising and keeping fit - that's a big part of helping your depression.  Keep writing your book as I am sure that will help.

I too am writing a book about my life with childhood sexual abuse, depression and borderline personality disorder.  I began writing a few months ago and now I've stopped but will pick it up again soon.

Neil, have you read Chris D message from yesterday? It is truly inspirational.  I know we all have been through some tough times in the past and even now struggling to get through each day.  But just remember that we understand how you're feeling, what you're going through and you can get through this.

Please take care and keep writing your book.  Thinking of you and hope you feel better soon,

By the way - thanks for your reply in my post this morning - after what you're going through and feeling I really appreciate your comments.

Stay strong

Jo

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

Thank you for your kind response.  You know, with my diary, until late I never really wrote too much in it about how depressed and down I am.  I kind of skipped over it and I don't know why.

But of late I have been putting more and more in it and I have no idea what's changed this.

I did read Chris D's awesome message the other day and yes, it was a great piece.  We have so many wonderful people on this site.  I must admit though that it does take some time out of your day to go through the different forums/threads/posts, etc.  I know when it first changed from the old format (the old format where I was really amongst it) I found this new site to be way too much for me.  I have learned now to be able to use it a lot more and am coming to terms with it, and yes, the site is really good now.

I've been to my doctor today and yes, he's a wonderful and compassionate man and after I spiel out the latest round of things to him, he leans forward and asks, "What would you like me to do?"    Today I thought, "How about putting me to sleep - forever".  But all I said was, "I really don't know ... you know all the things that I am doing to try and combat this illness and yet it's not lingering over me, it's almost overpowering me.  But I don't know what I want you to do - I think I just wanted to unload to you".

So there it is ... oh and last night, I had a massive binge on the pokies, and I was doing what I always try to do ... and that's to win back the money and some.  I've done it before and I see people do it ... but again it didn't happen;   so I went to the manager and I arranged to ban myself from every club in this city for a period of six months.  Ok, I know it's not a year, but I figure it's a start.  The last time I did this, I just did it for one club.  This time, I've doing the whole damn lot!   But I still feel so ashamed for what I've done and all that cannot be undone ... that's the thing that really irks me now.  What's done is done and again, being someone who stresses about the past, this is going to eat at me for a long long time.   Fancy being a guy who has eaten into his kids savings!!!!  I hate myself!    I'm going to try and get a 2nd job to pay them back.  Do night work or something;   it's so not fair on them.

And yet, when I look at it, I'm not pissed off with pokies ... for some weird reason they were an outlet to help with my depression.  I enjoy playing them.  Can anyone explain to me why this is so?

I'm really rambling now and have no idea how many are reading this, so I'll shut up for the time being.  I could go on, but ...

bye

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Neil,

You have taken such a huge step in recovery - taking that step with making the manager of the pokies venue ban you.  Well done for taking that positive step.  I can see how addictive it can be and you never really win much, well i don't.

It's good that you can offload your issues and talk with your GP. That is a good thing.

I hope you find some strength to keep fighting this,

Stay strong

Jo

[geoff]

dear Neil, I do love the way that females can give their tender and gentle responses back to people, it's so heart warming.

I have known people who have lost a great deal of money, and one in particular who put $120 k which was all of his superannuation into the machines, always believing that he will win it all back, but that will never happen, no one can bet them.

I know that it's tempting and probably an obsession to go, but now that they have banned you also means that any other pokie venues the same should also happen, and get your kids to lock away any money that they do have at the moment, nd tell them not to give any, this is just a way to help you.

Spouses and partners tend to get to a stage where they won't listen or try and give advice any more, for the simple reason that all the past advice has made no difference to how you are feeling, so they give up, and become tired of our depression, and that's exactly what happened to my marriage which ended up in divorce.

It wouldn't be easy to get another job because they will want a reference from your previous employer, and the issue of your time off will be asked, so depression will be mentioned, and then most companies will steer away from someone with depression, and this is always going to be a difficult hurdle to overcome.

Personally I wouldn't keep a diary if I said the same thing everytime, I would find that depressing myself, as it's hard enough to cope with this illness, but I wouldn't want to be reminded of the same statement.

There are a few people suffering from PTSD on this site presently, as what ever has happened is still dragging behind us, and this includes myself.

Neil, sorry I may have been a bit harsh on you, and it was no intention to upset you, as you are going through a very difficult period.

I also want to commend you on your replies to other people, and how supportive you have been. Geoff.

[Mares73]

Hi Neil1, there was so much in your post that I could relate to. Having PTSD, depression and chronic anxiety and that awful churning feeling in your stomach. I can relate to not even being able to cry to let it out. To have a partner who you feel has given up and to feel that your children are all that's keeping you going. For the first time ever last week I rang BB as I was in total despair and when the counsellor asked me about self harm I told her my children are my safety net. Without them I could do something stupid but I'd never want to hurt them so I wouldn't self harm. I too am tired of the illness, tired of what it's taken from my life and could totally relate to your statement about just wanting to experience some notion of happiness. Fear and self doubt and self hate are my top 3 issues every time I discuss with psych how I'm feeling. I can "pretend" to "act" and "function" normally but underneath I'm in knots, analysing what people must think of me, doubting my thoughts and actions, constantly living with a sense of "self hate" that I'm hopeless for not being able to get it together, hating myself for what I feel I've been reduced to as a person, blaming myself for anything I can. Your message made so much sense to me. Are you just taking a particular type of antidepressant? With my PTSD, severe anxiety & depression I'm currently taking a SNRI and two augmentation medications-an atypical anti-psychotic & a stimulant. I don't know what's doing what anymore except to say none of them are helping. Ill leave it there Stephen-you are so insightful and strong and you have hit a bad patch & sometimes I have to use the advice I've been given when things are really bad-just focus on getting through today-even if you do it in hr blocks. Lastly I have to add to Geogg's final comment about you being there for other people-you ate very supportive &caring and your words have helped me each time I've written-so thank you Stephen-and I like others are thinking of you at this time. Mary x

[Neil_1]

Hi

Thanx again for your responses back.

And Geoff, no mate, you weren't harsh ... you were telling it straight and I wasn't upset by that at all.

My diary that I keep is more filled with daily events of my life, and more so, my kids and what they're up too ... I find that I don't fill it too much with my own hellish thoughts, as you're right;  it would be way too damn difficult to cope with in re-reading all that back.

What we enjoy is when we've been on a holiday and a year later, I read the daily things we did, and my daughter kind of matches up what I write, with the photos that we took.  My partner and daughter go to a website called:   'blurb' where you can create a book with your photos.  We've done this now for a few years and it's a brilliant way to keep your photos ... in a kind of professional book and also you can type in words to match the photos as well.  Something for the punters here to look up if you wish.

So yeah, another weekend is now with us and I'm finding them just so difficult, with so little to enthuse myself about.  It's the same old, house cleaning and tidying, the kitchen, the washing up, the laundry, vacuuming, etc etc.  That's a whole cycle that never ends as well.

And all the while we creep closer to Christmas ... a time wonderful for the kids, but it really eats at me (and I guess a lot of people around this time of year).

Baby steps forward I guess

Neil