Newbie, having a really tough time

[r0b]

Hey all, my name's Rob and I'm new to this forum.  I'm going through a really tough time at the moment and thought maybe this would help.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life (am 45 now). At the start of April I was admitted to a private psych ward for a flair up of my depression and I received a course of ECT. I've had 13 treatments in total. It seemed to be really helping me until at the end of my third week in hospital my fiancée turned up one morning and told me that he had had enough, had packed up all his stuff in our house and moved out. We had spent the previous day together and we hung out, watched TV, had dinner at home, cuddled up on the couch, he told me that he loved me; the previous week had been my birthday and he gave me a birthday card and had written on it things like "love you so so much", "my forever man". So after he had dropped me back to hospital that night and said goodbye to me, he drove home, packed up all his stuff and moved out the next morning. I've been completely bind-sided by this and it has left me feeling so hurt and confused. He's left me to pay all the rent on my own, all the bills, everything. I feel like a broken person. I can't stop crying, I'm angry, sad, lonely, anxious, I just feel so lost.

We had some relationship counselling last year and that seemed to be going really well. I've seen the counsellor on my own since he left me and told her about a whole heap of stuff and she says his behaviour is narcissistic and I now realise how I was trying so hard to make the relationship work and please him, and the effect this has had on my mental health.

I'm so down, and I feel so hurt that my ex was so dishonest with me and broke up with me in such a callous way. I just don't see at this point how I can move on with my life. I'm feeling so isolated and lonely, even though I have a good network of supportive people around me.  

I just seem to have this overwhelming feeling that I need to keep talking about what's happened in order to make sense of it and to come to terms with it. I see a relationship counsellor, psychologist, and talk to my friends about things but this is just so hard I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I thought maybe this forum might help make some sense of things if I put it in writing.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[Sophie_M]

Hi r0b, 

This sounds like a really difficult and isolating time. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for you, and it must be really hard to understand and process the separation in that context. It sounds like you care for them deeply and are trying to be supportive and understanding through this, but it’s also hard to manage your own wellbeing through such a big change. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

Is there anyone that you feel able to talk to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.   

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post, but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We hope our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear R0b,

I’m so sorry you’ve had this happen, and when you have been going through a vulnerable time too. It’s so good you are reaching out here and that you have a support network with your friends, relationships counsellor and psychologist.

 I imagine the hardest thing would be the confused emotions right now, the feeling of loss and probably a sense of betrayal that is hard to reconcile with the feelings of attachment and connection you had with your fiancé. It is challenging to process.

I’m not sure if this will help much or not, but following some losses in my life in recent years and betrayal and narcissistic behaviour from people I had trusted, I found that ongoing contact with reliable, kind, stable people meant a lot. It was a reminder that relationships with people can be stable and normal, and that is a counter balance to the unstable behaviour I experienced.

After something like this I think you do actually grow stronger and wiser from it, but there is a lot of initial shock and confusion. And of course very real grief. I’ve found, with the help of talking with my psychologist, that I’ve become more street-wise about the intentions of others and better at protecting myself from behaviours from others that are coming from places of self-interest and manipulation. Ultimately it puts me in a better position going forward in life and I’ve become better at protecting my own heart, needs and interests. As I get better at prioritising my own needs, I feel I’m seeing the intentions of others more clearly and can detect who the kind, most trustworthy people are and the perhaps not so trustworthy more quickly than I could in the past.

 I would say go really gently with yourself right now. Turn to activities you find nurturing, whatever that might be for you. Rest as much as you need to, find distractions if they help such activities you can get absorbed in, and keep reaching out and stay connected with others.

I can tell from your words you are a sensitive and caring person and you would be feeling so tender and vulnerable right now. Take care and know that things will get better even though this is a tough experience to go through. Sending you kindness and support.