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[MaryG]

Hi everyone, I have read quite a few posts now and I can see there is a lot of support out there. I am new to this label of depression but I realise now that at 47 years of age I have suffered for most of my life. I just didn't have a name for it. It took a death of someone very close to me and some other huge life upheavals to break down my defence against it...and I haven't been coping that well for a couple of years now. I am at it's mercy. One thing I can't get my head around is how I can feel good one day and then crash and burn so badly the next. I don't get how my family and friends can suddenly mean nothing to me and how I could even consider ending my life. But there are days and weeks when I can't get the thoughts out of my head. Alcohol is a problem for me and I know it's bad and I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it and the whole guilt thing kicks in with the deceit and hiding it from everyone. I just want to feel good. I read a book recently and the author described the voices in her head as the depression talking. It made total sense to me but I had never thought of it that way before. When they tell me I'm not good enough, or I'm stupid or I'm ugly....its not true, its just the depression. The black dog. This has helped a little. The weird thing is I have positive voices too. I mentioned it to my husband once and said that the voice in my head was pushing me on and telling me I could keep running and not to quit (I was running in a race) He didn't know what I was talking about. He has no voices...positive or negative. Am I the weird one? 

I am working in a foreign country for the next couple of weeks. I crave the solitude, but it's not good for me. The hotel room is quiet and gives my mind too much space. Those negative voices came with me and the vodka is very cheap here. Not sure why I am writing this...other than I think I need some help.

[MaryG]

I am so glad my posts made it last night. The internet is so flaky here. We just take it for granted at home. I miss my Dad so very much and I sort of think sometimes he would be looking down at me and be so disappointed in me (I dont believe in heaven btw, but somehow i think he is with me) And then I think that he would understand completely and he would hold me tight and everything would be ok. 

It is hard to hide how much I am drinking. I t is constantly in my mind and the hardest thing is disposing of the empties. My family and friends drink for the taste and the social side of it. That's not me. I want the buzz and the excess. I have a wine with them and sneak off to my hidden bottle of V for a decent hit. I try not to get completely wasted when I am with them. So I don"t think I am an alcoholic really. Because I can stop if I have to. The first day is a bit shaky I must admit but after that I am OK. I have a day off work here today and I will probably drink a lot.

I had a bad flight home last time. I had a few drinks before the flight and another couple on board. I passed out I guess or slept, I don't remember. Anyway when I woke they were serving breakfast and I was suddenly engulfed in the darkest mood. I have been there before but not this bad. They put the seat belt sign on for landing and I seriously considered getting up and opening the door of the plane. It was so scary and I felt that horrible feeling of desperation and fear. I just wanted something to happen. Other people are scared of flying. I hope the plane crashes.

Thanks again for the contact..I really appreciate it. I haven't been this honest with myself or anyone for a while. Mary

[vip]

Hi Mary just look for another psych I had to change a few before i found the right person. My psych is actually a male i found female psychs are not very compassionate at all well that was just my experience so im sure other women in this profession are great. Look you have told us everything you feel through your posts this is what you need to tell your psych also. Write it all down in a journal thats what i did on my first visit and read it from there until you get more comfortable. Unfortunately you have to open up if you want to get better so you need to discuss the alcoholism ect and disturbing thoughts with that psych asap. I was really closed when i went to my psych the first time but after a few sessions it just got better. I have no experience with the drinking part but i attempted suicide 3 yrs ago and survived it so i am speaking to you with experience from the disturbing thoughts. Totally understand how you felt on that plane ive had the same thoughts in the past. Make you you tell everyone around you when you feel like that especially the professional people your dad would not want you to react like this after his passing do him proud and get all the problems soughted and start living. I am fully recovered today after 22 yrs of depression and i wont waste a single minute living now. Hope this helps take care.

[MaryG]

Thanks Nes,  glad to hear you are on the way to recovery and that you are not wasting a minute of your life. I hope that I might be able to offer some support here to others soon. I do have periods of time when I want to live and make the most of every minute, but then the darkness falls and all that is gone. I'm not even sure I want to die, I just want to be in pain. I don't really understand the thoughts. I talked to my GP about how I was thinking of harming myself. She said something about how I didn't go through with it because I felt for how it would affect others. Reality is that when I am in this dark hole I don't care about anyone else. That is one of the scariest things. I can suddenly go from loving mother and wife and daughter to being so lost and alone and desperate. I do keep a journal sporadically. I get really paranoid about people reading it and I stop. I get embarrassed reading back what I wrote. I actually found my old teenage/young adult diaries not that long ago and I destroyed all the pages that hinted at the darkness. I just kept thinking that people would read them when I'm dead and I didn't want them to read the truth. This anonymous dialougue feels good, I haven't written or spoken about some of this stuff before. MaryG

[geoff]

dear Mary, all I can say is 'ditto'.

When I was depressed alcohol was my saviour as well, and I did the same as you ' have a wine with them and sneak off to my hidden bottle of V for a decent hit.' L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Just wanted to let you know that upon my return to Australia I went straight from the airport to see my GP and told her everything. The alcohol, the depression, the massive  panic attack, the self harm. I cried for the whole time pretty much but she was so supportive and compassionate and she took me seriously. There is always this thought in the back of my mind that I'm just making it all up or that no one will believe me. My husband came with me and I was also able to reveal a few things that he didn't know about either. I was emotionally drained afterwards and she gave me some medication to help with the alcohol withdrawal. 9 days sober now. The shakes etc were really bad at first but have eased off now. I would so desperately like to have a drink now, but I am feeling strong enough to resist. I feel given the opportunity that I will fail at this, but for the moment it is just day by day. She sent me to see a psychologist and our first meeting went well I think. Next one on Monday. I also confided all in a friend and she has also been so supportive. I guess its my low self esteem, but it always shocks me when I find out that people really do care about me. I slept for the first night last night with no sleeping pills or alcohol to make me pass out. I feel very low and depressed and tired and stressed this morning, but kind of glad that I was able to. I have been working this last week which is a good distraction although not helping with the stress at all. Thanks for listening. Mary G

[geoff]

dear Mary, you're a chap.

I know the feeling of not drinking after we drink to excess, it does feeling lonely at first, like what am I going to do now, how will I distract myself without a drink, but day by day it seems to get better.

I am not suggesting this and please don't take as a free pass, but we do 'relapse' again and again until finally we stop, I understand this but I'm not sure your husband would if you break out again, and this isn't failing, it's part of the course.

9 days is great and what I did was to have a large glass of fizzy soft drink and to drink most of the glass in one go, that is gulp it down.

I'm not sure how the medication is going for you, because it did nothing for me, but if it works then terrific. Have to go now, but will continue if you reply. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Hi Geoff,

Not feeling so inspired that you believe I will fail. I know in my heart that it is true though. The need is so strong. If I was alone I am sure I would relapse. Going back to see the psych on Monday. She said she was going to help me work out what the void is that I am currently using alcohol to fill. It all takes so much time though. I want an instant cure.

mary

[geoff]

dear Mary, sorry it should have been champ and not chap.

'The need is so strong and if I was alone I would relapse', it has enormous power, so it's a catch 22 situation, you have stopped drinking but is this because you want to, or is it because you need to, as you initiately said ' I can go without for a while but then I'm back on it'.

When I stopped drinking it only took something to happen to me, and when not being depressed this might only be minor, but it was big enough to get me to start drinking again.

You know what the void is, it's just being able for her to help you with these feelings of depression, because that's why you drink.

Everybody just labelled me as an alcoholic, they all ignored my depression and that's why I was drinking.

They weren't interested in trying to help me with my depression, they only criticised the end product, and their comments they said to me were 'if you stop drinking you will get better', so aren't they in denial. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Geoff,

I thought chap was just some weird thing you call people haha. You say I know what the void is. Do I? I know it's always been there but I've never known how to fill it. Alcohol is relatively recent  although I remember sneaking cooking sherry from the kitchen when I was a child and hiding it in a plastic cup in my room to scull at some later time.  When I first told my gp that I was drinking a lot about a year ago she said I had to deal with the cause first and then worry about the drinking. I guess now though the drinking is creating such other problems for me I have to try and deal with the depression and the drinking at the same time. They say I can't drink and take antidepressants at the same time, so it's one or the other.  I still just can't imagine a future without the alcohol. Maybe I'll try the fizzy drink trick. I must sound so naive...9 days sober. It's nothing really is it? Just a blip.

this has turned into a bit if a rant. Thanks for sharing and listening.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Mary, the void is our depression.

Your GP was spot on 'she said I had to deal with the cause first and then worry about the drinking', because most professionals, that is GPs, psych, counsellors always say the opposite, but when I had depression that was a stupid comment, and then turned me off going to see them, simply because they didn't understand.

9 days turning into 10 days is certainly NOT a blip, because this effort I know seems like years.

What the fizzy drink does is fills up our stomach and the bubbles quench the thirst.

Please don't stop posting now, because it's a remarkable achievement. L Geoff. x