New on here

[Jinja]

Over the past couple of months I’ve been in a really dark space. Like many others ... I blessed with a loving family, material satisfaction and my physical health... but deep down I’m curling up and slowly dying. I find no joy in anything and life feels contrived. I’ve developed immense anxiety over work and having to deal with criticism...I get anxious every morning for going to work.

whilst on the outside everything seems okay ... deep inside I’m really struggling. My wife knows and she’s really supportive. I feel sorry that I can’t be the man she needs as her health isn’t that good. She’s much more stoic than I am.

I don’t know what to do and how open to be with my employer...who I’m just contracting with.

i feel low and then say to my self “get a grip of yourself and get on with life”

i cried this morning and sitting on the train now i could burst out with a deep sense of despair ... I really don’t know how to deal with this now and long term ... I’m scared

[White_Rose]

Dear Jinja

Hello and welcome to the forum. Being scared is not all bad as it tells you something needs to be done. Having said that it is uncomfortable to be so anxious.

I'm guessing from your description of what is happening that you have an anxiety condition or depression. Sadly I cannot diagnose but it sounds like the symptoms those with these illnesses experience. It really is NOT the "pull yourself together" situation. Please don't think you are some sort of failure because this is happening. The black dog takes up residence wherever it fancies. Taking it to the pound would be a good idea if dogs of this sort were accepted.

I think just about everyone sees themselves as lacking for not caring for their family in the way they did previously. In reality you are the caring person you have always been and will continue to be. You want to be open and honest with your employer, which is nice. Does this employer have an Employee Assistance Service? If so can you access it as you are a contractor. I suggest not talking about how you feel until you know what is the matter. One thing depression does is look for the worst outcome and decide that's what is going to happen.

I have also sat on the train going to work and been barely able to stop myself crying. So embarrassing.

I would guess you have been told this before, but you really need to see your doctor. Make sure you book a very long appointment, 45 minutes. If you look under The Facts above you will see an Anxiety and Depression checklist. It's only ten questions but probably the ten most important questions in your life at the moment. Your score will give an indication of where you are on the depression/anxiety continuum. I guess your answers will suggest a doctor's visit. It's not a diagnostic tool, just an indicator.

So things to do.

Stop beating yourself up, you did not ask to be depressed.
Go and talk to your doctor very soon.
Be kind to yourself. It's not the end of the world. You will get well again.
Write down how you feel and when this thing started. Include those activities which make you feel worse or keep you worrying.

Please let us know how you are going. Write in here as often as you wish.

Mary

[Jinja]

Thank you Mary for your words of kindness...I will consider the dr thing

[smallwolf]

Jinja,

How do you tell your employer about depression or anxiety?

I know that it is hard! You don't know how your employer will take the news? Will they be supportive? Or not? Or can you cope without telling?

I was in your position last year. Different circumstances probably. Both my mother and then my psychologist told me that I needed to speak with work about my problems. In my case, my employer needs me more than I need them. With that said, one of my employers is aware of anxiety related issues, and the other one has as get over it attitude. The second person's attitude is slowly changing because I send regular updates about how good or bad I am. To be honest, I don't tell that person my darkest thoughts. But I can tell the first person (most of it). It was only after I opened up to the first person that I got his story.

Until you have that conversation you don't really know how they will react. But our mind tell us they will want to get rid of us. Things get more real, if that is possible, once you have seen a GP or psychologist. For that reason, I would agree with White Rose on what to say, when to say etc. Or if you say anything at all.

Regardless, you will be listened to here. You will be supported here. You will not be judged here.

Last note on anxiety... Management comes down to distraction and coping mechanisms. This could be deep breathing, meditation, grounding techniques. You will find information on the web site and on the forums about these items. If you have any questions, or want to chat, or vent, post away. Someone else, or I, will listen to you with care and concern, because we all matter, and all want to silence that inner critic.

All the best,

Tim