New here, hello

[AspieD]

BB linked me here from a post I replied to on Facebook. If they saw what I recently posted on my own FB page, they'd probably be alarmed. A good mate also recommended that I get help. I hope I haven't let him down.

My brain has broken before - not literally of course. See I suffer from depression, and I'm on the autism spectrum; specifically I have Aspergers. I'm also 35, single, and gay. That's quite a mixed bag of "goodies".

I'm already on anti-depressant meds, and they're barely working. I've been on them since 2010. I don't know if any other medication would help.

I seem fixated on having a partner sometimes. All I want is someone special to be with me until the end. But no matter how many times I try to find that someone, it never works. People say "there's someone for everyone" or "you never know what's around the corner", but I don't believe that anymore. Yet at other times, I couldn't care less if I have anyone or not. The feeling, the want, it comes and goes.

I don't know what else to say. I'm honestly not sure if anyone can help. But I suppose if anyone can try to help, maybe BB can.

[Aaronsis]

Hi AspieD

I am so very pleased that you have taken on the advice from your friend and also that you followed the link that had brought you to post. It is great to chat to you and I hope that you can find the comfort and support that you need here, I am by no means a professional, just a girl who cares.

You sure do have a lot to think about that is keeping your mind racing and I can hear how frustrated that you feel with the coming and going of wanting a partner. I think it doesn't really matter what sexual orientation you are it is really tricky to find the person that you connect with wholly and that person is for you. With online dating it makes it more tricky as it takes time to establish if you are interested and if you have things in common, where out and about at clubs and pubs you can usually determine this pretty much straight away, so the whole way in which we date now is really tricky and very frustrating too. However I think it is natural to want a life partner and spend our fun times with someone and share life's good and bad with, I think most people want that so please don't beat yourself up for wanting someone special for you. I hear what you are saying and comments like "there is someone for everyone" etc are not very helpful when you are feeling so frustrated to being with. I think people say this though as they don't know what else to say and think that they are being helpful.

I see you say that you are already taking medication for depression, is it worth perhaps going back to your GP to chat about your medication and to let him/her know about how you are feeling and your post on FB and that you are going though a bit of a tough time at the moment?

I hope that you can chat with me some more and I am not sure if I have been helpful or not but I hear that you are really frustrated and I am so sorry you are feeling like this.

Hope to chat some more

AS

[AspieD]

Hello AS.

I'm staying away from online dating for good. It's brought nothing but disappointment for me, so I'm cutting it out.

I've arranged to see a psych. If he/she is decent, perhaps they can put me onto something different than what I'm on now. I've been on the current meds since late 2009.

[Aaronsis]

Hey AspieD

Good idea with regards to the online dating, I could not agree with you more.

Over my lunch break today I asked my best friend at work, who happens to be a gay man, where do people go these days to meet? I am not sure what state you are in but in Melbourne there is a radio station called Joy FM which is on 94.9, it is a community radio station and is Australia's first and only LGBTQI+ community radio station. He said that they often talk about events that are coming up and things that you might be interested in going to ..he said that they also have alot of volunteers around the station is a wonderful place to be.

That is wonderful news that you have made arrangements to see a psych and hopefully they can give you something to put you on your wellness path, be it medication or advice.

I am not sure if this is helpful information but I am thinking of you.

AS

[AspieD]

Hello AS

I live in NSW, not Victoria. So unfortunately Melbourne is a bit far for me to go on a day-trip. Can't say I've heard of this Joy FM before, so I'll have to check them out soon. As far as the community itself though, I've actively stayed away from it. Maybe it's my location, I don't know. I'd go so far as to say my location doesn't have much of, if any, community presence.

Truth be known, my depression does go beyond not having a loving partner. 😞

I have a few good friends, but I know they won't be around forever, and will want to pursue their own life goals, sooner or later.

Family? Well, that's not great. Having taken him for granted and treating him lackluster for so long, I've decreed to myself that my father's side of the family are dead to me. As for my mother's side, they're somewhat better, but still not great. They do visit from time to time, but I rarely interact with any cousins etc. The one exception is my second cousin, her husband, and their young child - my third cousin who happens to be on the Autistic spectrum like me, albeit he is low functioning where I am (shockingly) high-functioning. I'm an only child, so no nephews or nieces either. Sucked growing up, but nothing I can do about that now.

Beyond that still, one primary downer is seeing the world inevitably become garbage and being powerless to act against it, or even reverse it. I don't have the trillions of dollars in funds, nor the high-tech resources, nor the charismatic influence to do anything long-lasting or even permanent. Owing to this reality being plain and boring, I don't have the power(s) to initiate beneficial change on any scale.

Sexual orientation not withstanding, I don't want to raise a child, because I believe doing so in the current way the world is going could be classified as child-abuse.

You may think me suicidal. The thought has crossed my mind, but that's as far as it's gone. It's worse; I feel trapped! I'm not terribly happy with life as it is, but I can't/won't commit suicide either. That feeling of self-preservation is clinging to me 24/7, and I don't know why. Is there a purpose? If so I wish I knew it. The aforementioned feeling feels like a cruel joke is being played on me.

In short I fear death, but maybe I just want things to be over. I don't know. At times, it just feels like life isn't what it should be for me.

Pardon the long post.

[Aaronsis]

Hi AspieD

I wanted to start off by saying how happy I was to hear that you have dismissed thoughts and feelings to act on suicide, this was such a relief to read, although I didn't feel like you were it is just so comforting for me to hear that you are safe. I understand that you have thought about it but going through with it is not something you could or would do. I hear you in that you feel like life isn't what it should be...can I ask you what should it be? See I have found when we use the word "should" it places an awful lot of pressure on...I should have a job, I should have a house, I should be doing this, I should be successful at that, and if you can't meet this expectations then thoughts start to breed about being unsuccessful, and that is not true. See life as you well know changes all the time and at this time, you are going through a rough time and you are doing what you can to reach out and get some help and that is so wonderful. However, just because you are going through this now does not mean you will go through it forever, this is not a life sentence.

Please don't ever apologize for the long post, you get as much as you need to off your chest, we are here to listen and to support and comfort you and the more you talk the easier it is to talk and hopefully the talking helps with the pain. I am glad that you opened up about the other things in your life that are causing you pain, your family or lack there of and the roles that they play in your life, it is so sad when we feel like we don't have people on our team and it is usually family, however I am so glad that you have your second cousin and her family, you have someone and that is fantastic. As for your friends, why can't you have them forever? Just as they will go off and live their life so will you, but you can still remain friends, even from the other side of the world, that is possible.

We have made a bit of a mess of this world of ours and I don't know if we can do enough to make an impact but I think our future generations will do it better than we have, I do feel bad for the mess I have left for my kids to clean up, however, each day, we do make positive steps to try to correct our wrongs so it can't all be bad. Mistakes are lessons if we learn from them...

I am glad you like the idea of Joy FM, I am not sure if they can even be heard on the net but I am sure it would be something you might enjoy.

Great to chat some more to you AspieD

Hugs to you

AS

[Rob851]

Just wanted to say hello. I know the feeling, it’s not just you wanting to find that someone. 34 m straight and I’ve given up looking. I think sometimes we just need to concentrate on ourselves. Make us smile 🙂

[Ben_L]

Hey AspieD,

Just wanted to let you know youre not alone, im only 16 but i myself am on the spectrum and understand how frustrating it can be sometimes, i'm also comfortable saying that i too, suffer from depression and i too, have tried looking for a partner, but at my age its completely different.

I understand that this advice coming from a 16 year old might not fit your category of trust, but youre not alone, we're all here to help you.

Hope everything goes well, check in soon 🙂