New baby and struggling with life

[Sonz88]

Hi all,

I have found this forum at 1am after a very difficult day. I have a baby who is one month old. The pregnancy was very difficult and I struggled to keep on top of my anxiety during it. I went on my antidepressants six weeks before he birth as my mood was deteriorating rapidly.

during the pregnancy my partner’s job was uncertain and this along with other issues caused us both stress. Our relationship is very solid but it took a toll both of us and I felt quite lonely for parts of my pregnancy.

my partner is overall very supportive, I have the sort of relationship and support most people could only dream of. We had a big argument a couple of weeks after the baby was born when I was already struggling and I just feel like it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. Sometimes I feel so sad and hurt that I just want so desperately to numb the pain and think a lot about just getting blind drunk so I stop feeling so sad and hurt and let down. I don’t do this because I have two young children and want more than anything to just be a great mother to them. I just find the thought of wishing I could get drunk and wipe myself out so I didn’t feel so sad anymore comes up more often than I’d like. I keep picturing myself going out to the pub and getting wasted while leaving my children at home with my partner and that image makes me feel like a terrible mother.

my bond with my oldest is very strong. I love my new baby, but sometimes I worry I am not bonding with her the way I should. I think that perhaps I am just being paranoid as I am so afraid of getting PND that I am looking for signs everywhere. I keep reminding myself that I’ve had years to bond with my oldest and that my bond will strengthen over time with my youngest and I do and say all the things with my baby i did for my first. Maybe it just feels a bit different the second time around when you have a toddler to look after and you can’t give as much time to your baby as you could when you didn’t have another kid.

All I want is to feel ok, and even though everything is technically ok with my life I just can’t shake this feeling that something isn’t right and is just ‘off’, yet I can’t put my finger on it. I am thinking that perhaps the big argument I had with my partner a couple of weeks ago is maybe the main reason I feel like this, but just keep worrying that I will get PND and that I am not connecting with my baby as I’m supposed to.

[Forest_Critter]

Hi Sonz88, welcome to the forum. Really glad you've posted as it seems there's quite a bit on your plate.

Firstly, congratulations on your second-born.

Secondly, if you don't mind my asking, are the anditdepressants you are taking recently-prescribed? Were they specifically meant for PND?

From the way you write, and the paranoia you speak of, it definitely seems as though feelings of anxiety are becoming more overbearing. The changes you've mentioned; a new baby and the many worries of parenting, accompanied by possible uncertainty with your partner's job, and loving your children equally, all seem valid concerns. Given what you have described, it is no surprise to me that going to the pub to blow off some steam is on your mind occasionally. An outlet of stress relief is very important. It may be that the idea of the pub is a form of stress-relief, and is becoming more attractive, as you obviously have few opportunities for it, and increasing stresses in your life.

This desire does not make you a bad mother, nor should you feel any shame. Whether you are a parent with PND or not; planning for, and having on a regular basis, relaxing occasions for yourself, are very important in prevention and maintaining your wellbeing. If it's possible, discussing and planning for these things may be helpful. If times are particularly stressful for you both, and it isn't easy to discuss (possibly because of fights), then a parenting or marriage counselor can often provide some helpful routines to relieve this stress for you and your partner.

From what you've said, I have no doubt you are a loving mother. If my assurance does not suffice, I recommend reinforcing yourself that you are a capable, and excellent mother. Worries of loving your children equally, and the more general tasks of caring for a toddler and new-born, do not make taking care of them any easier. Believing in yourself as a great mother may help fight these worries, because knowing that you are so capable leaves no reason to cast doubt over your abilities.

It's also important to remember this time as a parent is particularly difficult. It makes perfect sense to feel stress, but reassurance in your abilities can be very helpful.

I definitely believe in time you will feel okay, and that the feelings you can't shake are temporary forms of anxiety, that can be handled systematically, and with help if required.

Hope I was able to help. Please do reply if you're comfortable.

Best,

- FC

[geoff]

hi Sonz, I'm sorry you are finding this time to be most difficult, and the thought of going to the pub to get wasted always sounds to be a good idea, but unfortunately the same problem is there the next day.
Although I'm not qualified to say, but sometimes with the longevity of having depression it could be said that you might be suffering from PND and because of this feeling maybe different to past experiences shouldn't be ruled out and now the AD's you were given may not be suitable for how you're feeling now.
I feel for you but please make an appointment with your doctor.
There is a test which might help you understand what's going on, so if you google this 'pnd test australia', it will give you an indication. Geoff.

[Sonz88]

Thank you very much for your reply Forrest Critter. It was such a welcome relief to come back here and read kind words of support and reassurance after I have been having such a difficult run lately. It really helps to hear that the feelings I am having of needing a release and also feeling overwhelmed don’t make me a bad mother. I have been trying to work on my self talk and self doubts, but that is always easier said than done.

I am feeling more in control today. I saw my psychiatrist today and we have discussed my medication and I have decided to trial an additional medication to my antidepressants to help with a few things. I will also be seeing my psychologist tomorrow who specialises in perinatal and post natal issues and so I feel like I will be in good hands there and it will be good to have a sounding board for some of my concerns and issues. I have also arranged to check in with a relationship counsellor to help get things back on track with my partner. So I am ticking all the right boxes and hoping they help. It feels better to feel like I am at least on the right track.

You’re very right about needing some time to relax and it is definitely something that is few and far between with young children. I have arranged for my partner to take our children to visit their grandparents for a day on Friday so that I can have some down time, and I think that will help me get a bit of much needed time for myself in.

Thank you again for your support and reassurance. It was very scary to share things that I have felt so afraid of being judged for, and I appreciate the support and reassurance you have offered me 🙂

[Sonz88]

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. That is an interesting point you make about the AD’s possibly not being suited for PND, it never occurred to me that there are some better than others for treating it. I actually saw my psychiatrist today and discussed my medication. She is happy for me to stay on my current medication but we have also decided to add another in to help me as well. So I am starting on that tonight and overall feeling like I am in more control.

hopefully things will get a bit easier for me as I adjust to everything. Thanks again for taking the time to respond 🙂