My Story

[Peace01]

I am 54 years of age and have been suffering from depression since I was 14. I didn't know I was until I broke down a few years ago. The diagnosis of "Clinical Depression" sent me into a deeper black hole. When I shared this with my husband his response was "thousand of women do what you do and they cope". I hated him in that moment. To be fair to him he didn't know of my childhood history at that time. However, during counselling, when our marriage broke down, my abuse came out and he then proceeded to use that as the reason our marriage wasn't working. I guess my depression took its toll on the marriage but the fact that my husband was controlling and manipulating took a bigger toll. Combine all this and the "little black dog" grew into a huge black dog. 

I am thankful for the counselling I received during that time as it made me realise where my depression initiated, from my childhood. My self harm, extreme emotional ups and downs led to an emotional break down at 14. A short hospital stay and then taken from school and the issue was never raised again. My family were aware of one abuse incident when I was 6 or 7 but they didn't know about the other times. 

The thoughts of suicide have been, are there still, but with the help of a couple of special friends I get through. The counsellor I had told me she didn't believe in depression and that it was something that could be fixed. That may be right for some people but I don't think that is true in my case. Medication helps but that only gets me through the day so I can cope with my job and everyday life. I fear I have been this way too long. I feel broken, different and I still ask the question what did I do that made those people pick me, did I come across as weak, even as a child?  

Oh, I have heard it all before, it's not my fault. I have a hard time believing that, surely I was doing something that attracted their attention. As an adult I know it wasn't my fault but the child still comes through and the doubts come back afresh. 

My God, I am rambling, sorry, first time bringing this to a public forum and am running on nervous energy. My family, 3 sons, know I suffer from this thing called depression but they don't know how deep it runs  or why it is there. Not sure I do either.  I can't talk to them about this. Somehow that would make me feel less than I am. 

I think I will stop the rambling for now. 

If anyone has been reading thank you for your silent listening. 

[coolbanana]

Would love to write a silent "we are here" 

you are welcome, thanks for letting us know.

[Stephen123]

This story should go somewhere that can be easily accessed. Thanks for sharing your story peace.

[geoff]

dear Peace, this is a compelling story that you have told us, and it's been hidden within you for a long time, so that's for joining us.

Can I say that you were not weak for this awful abuse, but someone who may have been an easy target for what ever happened to you, and like most of the people who have been through the same abuse it still sticks in your mind, and only until you can face the realisation that now it can't be over turned, but it makes you more aware of other children who maybe facing the same horrific circumstances.

If I was with a counsellor who said to me that there was no depression in life, I would just hop up and walk out, because these people have no idea of what this illness does to us, so any help they try and give us would be way off the mark.

This also follows through with your husband who has no sympathy for you, and I was the same as my depression broke my marriage as well, but now we can still talk and see each other, but we couldn't live together again, and wouldn't want to.

Can I elaborate on what you have said, 'it's not my fault', OK, in your situation the problems, the abuse and the lack of understanding were slowly building up, like a deck of cards, and you pull out the bottom card which means that it all collapses, and this is similar to what happened to you.

We can't really explain our depression to our kids for 2 reasons, 1 that they wouldn't understand and 2 we don't want to upset them, which in turn could make them nose dive themselves.

Silent listening is indeed a concerning and caring group of people who want to help you. L Geoff. x