My self destruction

[5022]

Hi all. Im a 42 yo mother and dont know what came first, my depression or alcohol dependence. Either way, i am struggling at the moment with self destructive choices past and present snd know alcohol is usually involved. My ex who has main custody of our kids has just this week changes their schools without telling me and my joungest cant remember the school name and my eldest who is 14 sides with her dad and is evading the answer. I have always been involved with kids sport school life thrown all birthdays buy Xmas presents and paid guitar and karate. Now my involvement has been limited due to geographical reasons, I don't drive( lost my licence 5 years ago DUI) and cant afford a car now due to high maintence I pay and living costs and am considering bankrupsy. I am a nurse have a successful career but my personal issues are causing me extreme anxiety, i was in bed for 3 days since Monday and still unable too eat. Having my kids this weekend has helped.I only see them every second weekend. I have limited social life as all my family are interstate and I lost friends when I left my ex 6 years ago, I have only 2 friends.I have had lots of psychological therapy until since a year and half ago and am on medication for 14 years. My ex triggers my meltdowns so i think i need help again. I am hoping not to drink as it just gets me into trouble, i text my ex things I usually wouldn't and its only making my situation too see my kids worse thus again increases anxiety. Is anyone else in or been through a similar situation. I would love to hear how you cope . cheers

[white knight]

Hi 5022, welcome

Firstly thankyou for your honesty and bravery in your post, it is very apparent.

I was in a similar situation in 1996- 2011. But no alcohol was ever involved with me or the mother of our children.

She discouraged my fatherhood. I attended parent and teacher interviews that she didn't and she discouraged them "it isn't necessary for you to get that involved". She never had fruit in her house so I'd give my kids tubs of fruit to take back " I supply their food not you"...and so on.

I observed worse scenarios with a couple of friends. Their ex went interstate or refused access. I thought about this and decided to back off. It proved a good move.

After 5 years my eldest left her home to live with me. Hence child support stopped. Unfortunately my ex wanted revenge and demonized me to our youngest daughter. She didn't see me for 10 years.

But what goes around comes around.

So what I suggest is that you cradle the positives eg that you have your kids for visits. Make sure they enjoy their time with you. Be prepared as they grow that they might not always want to visit. That's OK. Relax about it. Their happiness comes first.

The very best thing I ever did was fill my life with distractions. Yes there were tears as I gazed at the fairy garden and swings in my yard. But the pain doesn't last forever. Do activities. Sports like badminton, hobbies like line dancing, crafts even jigsaws, sewing. Mind diversion will Save you!! Laugh!!

You are only a couple of years before your child support will drop as each turns 18. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Sure you are a good mum in many ways that you listed but a friendly warning...you only need one or two serious flaws in your parenting to make you a bad parent, then all the good deeds are ignoref. Don't risk your visitations!

After 14 years, when my youngest turned 18yo, I celebrated and had a smile from ear to ear. I made it!!. I then wrote to my ex and told her to not contact me again. Best thing I ever did. It released me from a person that was abusive and cruel.

So, be happy that you have your kids in your life. Offer the odd praise to your ex for his fatherhood, it pays to be nice but dont give free info. Work your way towards progress. Even going bankrupt can be progress for you. As an ex summons server it is common. Its ok

Keep very busy.

Ill put the word around with experienced champions to talk to you about your drinking issues. Keep checking here

Be strong

Tony WK

[BballJ]

Hi 5022,

I don't have any experiance in this particular subject but I just wanted to reach out and offer my support to you as I can see how much this situation is hurting you and whenever you want to chat, I, and many others are hear for just that. I hope others like Tony are able to help and give you some answers you are looking for.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hello, well it's always hard to know whether depression causes alcohol addiction or whether it's the other way round, but sometimes it doesn't matter, because they are both joined together.
When you have a tummy full of alcohol then the texts you send can be way off what you really want to say, because if you look at them the next morning you may feel embarrassed and feel guilty, don't worry it used to happen with me when I was in depression and intoxicated, but it does happen when the both of these are involved.
By the way thanks for telling us about your alcohol addiction, because many times so many people won't admit to it.
Obviously there are two issues here, which you have talked about, however it's not having your children with you and then your alcohol which will cause these problems, and that's why your ex has the children with him, and a magistrate will never let a parent who relies on alcohol to get through the day have custody of the children.
Please can I say that I not necessarily blaming you, because there maybe so many other issues which could have caused all of this, and for me it was being in depression and losing my self-employed business, but when each problem happens another one arises and then it just multiplies.
No one can ever tell you to stop drinking, well they can, but you won't pay any attention, because this has to come to you by yourself, that's the only way you can abstain.
If you did want to go bankrupt it still means that you can keep your car, but it puts a black mark against your name, and even though it ends after 7 years, this still won't help you in getting any finance, so this will make it harder to be able to rent privately, and perhaps the only option is rent through the government housing.
You are hurting so much, but you have a good career as a nurse, so your opportunity to get a job is always very good, but you have to address each problem on it's own, and perhaps the first one is stop drinking, and if this is what you want to do then your doctor can prescribe some medication that inhibits any desire for drinking, it takes away that urge to drink and even if you drink then you won't get any buzz from the alcohol.
I'm running out of space but would really love to continue on with this. Geoff. x

[Kazzl]

Hi 5022, welcome to the forum, from a fellow traveller. I can relate to your pain and despair because that was me too nearly six years ago. I'm a now sober alcoholic, who self-medicated for depression (and as it turns out bipolar disorder) for many years, including the teenage years of my kids.

I realised, after a drunken attempt to end things, that for me at least, I could not begin to manage my life and depression until I got sober. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I did it. And while my mental health is still not perfect (the booze was masking aspects of bipolar, which I was diagnosed with early this year) it is far far better than it was. I have never once regretted getting dry. As my hubby (also a sober alcoholic) says, sobriety creates the conditions in which better things can happen.

I feel for you hun with your struggles with your ex and your children. I undestand you want to change that situation first and foremost. But drinking is certainly making it worse, and it will be difficult to improve things whilever you're using booze as your coping mechanism.

But hun, you can only quit drinking if you really really want to. And, it might take some time, there might be slips along the way, and it will be hard, but if the will is there you will do it.

We have a thread under Longterm Support called Battling the Booze. Have a read through it - my story is in the earlier posts - there are a lot of helpful tips for people who are trying to quit. If you decide you do want to quit, why not join us there.

I once thought I could never beat the booze, it had such a hold on me. But it is possible, and the freedom that comes from it is a true gift. For me, I got my life back.

Hope to talk with you again soon hun.

Very best wishes to you

Kaz

[Ellu]

Dear 5022,

You have certainly had some bad things happen in your life, and you sound so sad. One thing you can do is consider going to Alcoholics Anonymous. Don't be put off by the name - it is not just a whole bunch of derros, there are people there from all walks of life. You would be surprised.My siser-in-law (middle class, in her 50's) went along to a meeting and found wonderful support and understanding. She has continued going to meetings regularly, and has not had a drink for 5 years. She says she doesn't even feel like it any more. I am sure if you ring them they will let you know of a meeting close to you. What have you got to lose?

I also used to drink a lot, but it didn't mix well with my medications so I stopped. Ask yourself why you are drinking? Is it to blot out bad feelings or cope with life? Alcoholics Anonymous have been around for a very lone time, and I am sure you can take that first step to getting rid of one bad influence in your life. I hope you will give it a try.

Ellu

[pipsy]

Hi 5022. As both Geoff and Kazzl have told you alcohol may temporarily give you 'relief' from your problems, then you sober up and see yourself looking back from the mirror. I too am an alcoholic, I have been 'dry' for 7 months. It wasn't easy, I still have 'urges', but my job means I have to leave alcohol alone. I had a severe health scare earlier this year. I was informed if I drank, my treatment (radiation for breast cancer) would be stopped. After the radiation, I was summonsed for jury service, again no alcohol permitted. I have a special friend who has been my support through this never-ending battle, and he occasionally 'blasted' me which I needed. He too, had battled the booze so he knew where I was. I considered AA, but because of the religious overtones the idea was vetoed. However, one idea I did adopt through the program was the 'one day at a time'. Every day, I place a tick on the date to indicate another 'dry' day. Going to AA might give you some useful hints, but there is a 'down side' to consider. Everytime you attend a meeting, talking about alcohol abuse and the problems attached might trigger the need to 'drown your sorrows'. Try to 'lose' yourself in hobbies or something that needs concentration. I like Kazzl have reclaimed my life, I am free of alcohol as long as I can look at me in the mirror without regretting 'last night'. Drinking does numb the pain of depression, it doesn't stop the depression though, it feeds it. When you sober up - the pain returns, stronger and more vengeful.

Lynda